Ten Apps the iPhone Needs to Have

Right about the time people’s cell phones became the hub and center of their entire personal universe is right about the time my thin-as-ice and far-too-generous faith in humanity became dangerously less existent. When everyone’s little world -already wavering in a thin bubble- began to shrink just a tad more as their phones took on a bit more ‘inhuman’ lives of their own, is precisely the moment I realized we were either doomed as a society, or else someone was about to get hit by a bus. Ah, see, but even luck such as that wasn’t guaranteed since apparently, there’s ‘An App For That’. What? Oh yes, as it turns out phones now are a whole hell of a lot more intelligent than they used to be. Long gone are the days when having the coolest phone meant polyphonic ring tones, downloadable tiny pics called wallpaper, and a sweet flip-open clam shell feature. Pushed aside were the once awesome abilities of one’s phone to walky-talky a colleague, take grainy pictures, and maybe support the ability to make a simple call. No, today’s new generations of ‘Smart Phones’ can do literally anything and everything it used to take the hands of actual humans to do: set house alarms, sync-up to a vehicle, hold hundreds of C.D. quality music, transfer videos instantly to the web, set your favorite TV shows to record, order food, and ‘update your status’ via Twitter or Facebook. And that stuff barely scratches the surface. New applications and abilities are pouring out every day to turn your phone into something more of a self-sufficient robot than a standard communication device. But when will it end? Never. But, as long as improvements are being foist upon our phones ever day, at least let’s take these ten into consideration…

Sometimes what really needs to go down is the great feeling of giving someone a nice open-palm belt to the cheek. But just randomly going around smacking folks is really frowned upon in general society. So I propose a new app that dials an arbitrary number from the millions of second generation phone users -preferably pinpointed to near your location via good old GPS- and threatens to double that phone owner’s monthly bill immediately unless he or she marches up to the next person and slaps their shit-eating mug. It doesn’t have to be anything hard or malicious, just a nice half-powered whack with the hand to really jiggle their marbles a bit. It’ll feel good for you, for the slapper, and, quite possibly, for the slapped. But especially me.

Ever been having just the shittiest day possible and wished with all your might that someone, anyone could feel exactly what your feeling right then? Of course you have, it’s called Monday and Reality, am I right? Anyway, I suggest we come up with an application that allows anyone presently getting crapped on by life at that particular moment to randomly call anyone with a Next Gen. phone and simulate either the local police or fire department announcing that their residence is, at that very second, actively engulfed in flames stemming from the lava of a newly discovered volcano. Just the momentary shock alone will make anyone forget that they’re in Michigan where there aren’t now, nor ever have been, volcanoes. But hey, just a little bit of your stress was whisked away when your target fled home for no reason.

You’re in a pub or a club, you’re hanging at the bar sipping your Cosmopolitan when out of the corner of your eye you spot a member of the opposite sex so finely put together and literally oozing with fuck-ability that the brain that exists below your belt-line demands possession of that person immediately barring possible self-mutilation threats. No problem, there’s is an App For That. You slide your iPhone out, scroll through your millions of useless features, and find the one button that can help you at once: The Instant Sex App. This particular function locates and dials this sexy beast’s number via some kind of mysterious ability, and offers to upload a predetermined amount of money into his or her account right then if you two can go bang one out in the dirty back alley like a couple of sewer bums. Rejection is not an option since it also threatens that person’s cat or dog with a gun. So, you see, instant sex every time.

If anything is more nerve-grating than some assclown rambling on about some boring ass shit in their lives near you, I don’t want to know what it is. Let’s say in this scenario you happen to be at a restaurant trying to bluff your way through some mind numbing crap from Oprah’s book list just to impress a chick, when a table over Captain Yappy and Sir Blabs-A-Lot are jaw jacking about some inane bullshit. Well, its time to take matters into your own hands… the hands now rifling through your phone apps to locate the STFU button. Basically, this activates all the phones within the restaurant and up to a fifty-foot radius beyond the walls that tells everyone to turn and look at the couple of douchebags and politely tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Now, get back to those Traveling Pants, Sally.

Having a robot driver would be super sweet, right? Yeah, well, it ain’t 2025 Dr. Who, so let’s get with reality here. However, robotically controlling someone else’s vehicle is possible right now, so why not make an app for it? Cars these days are literally inundated with so much computerized equipment that there really is no reason for anything to go wrong with your vehicle ever again. I mean shit, it tells you when stuff needs repair and practically steers you to the nearest service center. So let’s take advantage of this and have an app that, when one is forced to be behind a driver so incredibly inept at their ability to correctly make a car function that they might as well be blind, foreign, and completely retarded, takes full control of the offending vehicle and plows it directly into the nearest Starbucks. Why Starbucks? Because they’re the easiest landmarks to locate that typically have fuck-tard patrons anyway. No big loss.

I hate assholes who are so Holier-Than-Thou, so thoroughly full of themselves, and so completely devoid of any traits of kindness so much that I want to have heavy objects fall from the sky onto their stupid heads. That might not be possible right yet, but getting said dickheads covered with the nearest wet object might just be. When forced to be around a person of such huffy and high-and-mighty personalities, it’s far easier to pretend to be on their level in order for this app to work correctly. Try to meet their uppitiness in kind; pretend to have the answers for everything just as they do, and when you’ve gained their trust, reach for your next gen. phone and find the app that circles all the nearest garbage trucks and it might be a good idea to find cover of some kind. You really don’t want to be a part of this. Safe distance equals funnier outcome.

I don’t want to hear about your impending carbuncle surgery. I am not interested in the hooker you strangled and buried at the old farm. I do not care that your 19-year old daughter is blowing your brother. And I couldn’t give two shits about your crappy-ass job as a toilet cleaner at the Old Folks Home. Nobody wants to listen to someone else constantly complain. It’s a bore and we don’t give a shit. So instead of the droning annoyances of that sad sack near you braying about their sucky lives, get out your iPhone and press that app that shows them a picture of a kitten or something… I haven’t really worked out all the details yet.

Every single day is not necessarily a good day to be wearing Cargo shorts, a beer label-emblazoned T-Shirt, and Vans. Sometimes it’s a bit more appropriate to dress in something featuring buttons and possibly nice shoes. Also pants. But where to turn? Your wife has pretty much given up on you and thinks you’re a complete loser, your girlfriend only sees you when she wants sex or cash, and your kids are far to busy with themselves to care. So what’re you gonna do? Why turn to your phone of course! Punch that icon that features a dapper fellow in butlers clothing and just see what happens! Just SEE damn you! Offered up are plenty of options and do’s and don’ts about your potential wardrobe! Don’t wear that paisley jacked with those seersucker Chinos! Do wear a crisp blue button-up shirt with your cool loafers! See? Just don’t expect miracles, sloppy, it’s only a button for cripe sakes.

Your wife is all about telling you what to do, when to do it, and how to go about it correctly so as not to fuck it up. To your wife, you are but an infant with all the social graces of a chimpanzee and the listening ability of fudge. Yet, inexplicably she loves you and frequently allows you access to her tits. Pretty fair trade off, I’d say. But how about those times you are away from her and your inexcusably moronic brain decides to do dumb shit like thinking on its own? Then what, buck-o? Well, with this new next gen. phone app, it can be like that gorgeous yet spine-tingling harpy is right there in the room with you! Just dial it up, give it a press, and the shrill keening of your wife’s voice with an accompanying animated picture of her ‘angry’ face pop right up and explain in no uncertain terms how you do not need a new version of that video game and how porking that waitress is definitely not a wise choice. Yay!

Sometimes the only thing that gets you through the day is getting lost in your daydreams about how much fun it would be to climb a water tower with a high-powered rifle and start picking off shitheads like a human Skeet Shoot. Yeah, but that would result in possible prison and probably death by something. Not a good ending at all. So now, when you feel like dropping the hammer on that ass-butt that just bought the last copy of the paper out of the machine, you can grab your phone, thumb through the app library and come up with the BANG App. Much like its cousin of yester-year, the fake gun with the BANG flag, the BANG app. features a realistic looking glock aimed straight at your intended target and the pitch-perfect accompanying firing sounds! That’s right, it’s the gun shot without all the messy lawsuits and jail sentences! BANG, your dead, fuckface!