Ten More Reasons to Stay Away From the Water

Jaws jaws 468735 686 353 560x288There is a whole generation of people that have not been traumatized by the Jaws movies. A group of folks that are not cursed to hear a John Williams bass line every time they enter nipple deep water or run screaming like a girl scout from Roman Polanski’s house because a bit of seaweed touched their foot. We don’t just mean swimming in  the ocean here either. They are woefully oblivious to the unseen horrors that await them in or on any body of water regardless of its size or depth. It is for these people in particular that we present, ten more reasons to stay the away from the water..

Vacationers the world over with a healthy fear of dying as prey in the toothy jaws of some aquatic hell beast have been able for centuries to comfort themselves by saying “Hey I got nothing to fear Gunaxin writer, I am safe on a boat.” Yes, Gunaxin has been around for centuries now, shut up. We are trying to save your life here.


Needle fish

Witnesses described seeing the fish launch itself through the air and bury itself in the victims eyeball where it penetrated into his skull and became stuck. It was said to slap against his face repeatedly in an attempt to free itself which we would describe as hilarious if we did not still have a lingering sense of empathy. In an act of icthyological treachery the needle fish nearly successfully framed the flying fish in this attack. It was pieces of his toothy beak that he had actually left in the victims savaged orbital sockets that got him busted for the assault.

needlefish1 300x225

Like this, but in your eyeball.

However the end result was no different. The man lost his sight. The fish impaled itself through his eye. While it struggled to free itself the fish left pieces of bone from its own body in his skull and destroyed the head of the optic nerve.



Where the needle fish are the stilettos of the sea world, sturgeon are bludgeoning line backer types of the Suwanee river. A 3 footer knocked a 23 year old man off his jet ski and left him floating unconscious in front of his girlfriend.

april20sturgeon1 300x197

1st round draft pick, Steelers defensive line.

She had to hold him above water until a passing boat could give aid. This emasculating occurrence was no isolated incident. At least 4 people were seriously injured in the summer of 2002 alone. Injuries included;  “broken ribs and sternum, a collapsed lung, cracked teeth and gashes requiring stitches”. Not surprising considering that these armor  plated prehistoric fish can reach lengths of 12 feet and weigh as much as 1200 pounds.

A 14 foot long blue marlin who had its day interrupted by sport fishing land dwellers for the “LAST FUCKING TIME” took action of it’s own to put an end to maritime harassment forever.

VikingandMarlin1 300x162

You are not safe on a boat. You were never safe on a boat. You never had your boat!

When the big fish was unable to free itself from the line that had attached itself to his face with a sharp metal hook it turned the tables by leaping across the boat and spearing the angler neatly through the chest. It reentered the water on the opposite side of the boat fifteen feet away, muttering something about “welcome to my world” and took him towards the bottom impaled upon his sharp bony bill. The man was able to free himself and did survive the ordeal but, the fish got away. It is rumored to be stalking him via the internet.



They are considered the gentle giants of the marine world . Lenny from Of Mice and Men was a gentle giant as well. Maybe that’s why these things sometimes kill us. Perhaps we just feel soft and warm under their gargantuan weight, maybe we make pleasant sounds when they squish us. Could be they have just gotten a hold of a 20th century history book and know what our great grannies made their hoop skirts from (it was whale parts). Whatever motivates them a 30 foot grey whale attacked and totaled a 27 foot boat hospitalizing one of its crew off the coast of Santa Barbra. First leaping from the water and belly flopping across its cabin thereby crushing the shit out of it. Then by ripping out the railings with its tail. Considering it went for the boat 3 times it doesn’t look unintentional.

Gentle my ass.

In Japan what appears to be a 40 foot humpback attacked a boat and killed one of the would be whale rescuers who occupied it. Granted the whale was already distressed when it happened, but if you are an imperiled sea creature and you see Japanese men in a boat headed your direction…


Humboldt squid

Humboldt squid are showing up in large numbers along Southern California and attacking the occasional diver. They usually habituate deeper waters off Mexico where the local fishermen fear them as the diablo roja. They grow to be 7 feet long and weigh as much as 100 pounds. They usually stay in water too deep to make them a danger to the casual bather or surfer but experienced deep sea divers are leaving the water until the threat has passed as they have been known to attack humans.

Marco ! MAAARKO! Marko?

Check out what local diver Mike Bear had to say on the subject  “I wouldn’t go into the water with them for the same reason I wouldn’t walk into a pride of lions on the Serengeti. For all I know, I’m missing the experience of a lifetime.”
Mind you we are not saying that you should stay out of the water right now, just that the pros are. Seriously you do what you like.

They long been known as the lovable clowns of the sea. You know who else was known as a clown? John Wayne Gacey.
Tião was a loner to the dolphin world who sought out the company of human beings at a Brazilian beach. When people got annoying, rather than retreat to the calm big blue he hospitalized 29 people and killed one. That is more than most of our readers will do in a life time. Oh and don’t forget, dolphins have a preference for female company and have displayed rapey tendencies.


The face of evil.

A marine biologist was killed by a leopard seal while snorkeling in Antarctica. It is hard to say why as this was an unprecedented attack. This is the first known instance of a person being killed by a leopard seal. Maybe it thought she would look good in fur. More likely it was just because Kurt Russel failed to kill it the first time.

leopard seal 300x199

30%cute 75% terrifying.

The animal took her in full view of her horrified colleagues who were able to mount a rescue but were unable to save her life. Antarctic wild life has long had a reputation of having no fear of humans due to a lack of exposure. This was the first incidence of such an attack in Antarctica but with the increase of researchers frequenting the area many fear a repeat occurrence.


The Goonch

No, not that guy that used to beat up Arnold Drummond. In India in the Kali river once navigated by Dr. Jones and Short Round, dwells a catfish that reaches lengths of 6 feet and can weigh as much as 600 pounds. This thing is cadaver fueled night-mare machine. It has been feeding on human corpses that get thrown into the river after funerals. Apparently having  acquired a liking for people meat it no longer waits for the dead ones to be thrown its way. It is believed responsible for at least 3 deaths so far.

goonch catfish picture 300x216

It lives on your tasty tasty fear.

So, maybe about now you are thinking, “Screw this! I am staying out of jungle rivers and oceans full of dangerous marine horrors. From now on I am sticking to nice safe North American inland waterways where I don’t have to worry about these gruesome events.



You knew I would be in here somewhere.

Because if you think that will help, then you are unaware of the Matawan creek shark attacks of July 12, 1916. It happened in fresh water 16 miles away from the ocean. It resulted in 2 deaths and one injury. The most likely suspect is the bull shark pictured here but some witnesses claim it was a great white in the creek that day. I would like to point out one more time that this was not Matawan Bay, hell it wasn’t even Matawan River. The word here that should grab you is creek. All of which goes to prove that any time you are near water at all something is most likely trying to kill you.


Now that we have tried our best to put you off every natural body of water and you are heading to expedia.com to cancel your vacation plans in lieu of a relaxing stay at home, you might want to hear about the snake that bit a man’s penis on the toilet. This Taiwanese fella was engaged in the simplest of daily rituals feeling safe in his own home when his calm was shattered in a gruesome way. One minute engaged in a normal constitutional, the next a trip to the hospital nursing snake induced cock trauma. The good news for him is it was a non-venomous snake and he recovered. The bad news is a snake bit his dick, imitating an event that your toilet training parents promised you would never happen.

also he is a ninja.