Eleven Things That Should Be Nominated for Academy Awards

shame movie image michael fassbender 05 560x372The Academy Awards are fast approaching and they’ll do a pretty decent job of honoring excellence in film for the past year. However, the Academy only chooses to honor actual people. Because of this, there are some glaring omissions amongst nominees. Film is so much more than people. It’s stuff.

“Stuff” is such a nebulus concept. It can be anything. An animal, an inanimate object, an idea, a feeling… you get the idea. Without this stuff, movies just wouldn’t be the same. Let’s take this time to celebrate the past cinematic year by honoring some of the great stuff in movies that simply couldn’t garner an Oscar nomination because no category exists for it.

Michael Fassbender’s Penis

If you saw Shame, then you know how hard this thing got worked. Peeing on command – on camera no less – is a nearly impossible task, but this guy rose to the occasion. Also, if you’ve seen Shame you know that his penis was rewarded for its work… sort of.

The Definite Article “The”

Artist The poster 560x315The Oscar for Best Picture will almost assuredly go to The Artist. The Descendants is likely to win a screenplay and some acting awards. The Help will win a lot and is nominated for a ton of stuff. These movies will each individually take home some accolades, but they all share that one three-letter word in common — THE. It’s a huge year for “THE.” Next year I hope it’s “AN’s” turn.

Dogs from The Artist and Beginners

The canine talent in these two movies was astounding. I think a serious case could be made for them being nominated, but I suppose it wouldn’t be fair if Jean Dujardin took a finalist spot in the Westminster Dog Show.

Ryan Gosling’s Driving Gloves

gosling leather glovesDrive featured many amazing performances and moments. But those moments and performances didn’t just materialize. There had to be a catalyst. That catalyst? A simple pair of leather gloves. I haven’t seen a pair of gloves have this much power in a movie since Stomp the Yard. Drive was completely snubbed from this year’s awards so it’s no surprise these gloves are getting overlooked as well.

Bryce Dallas Howard’s Cold Sore

bryce dallas howard hilly holbrook and emma 560x300White guilt was on full display in The Help. You just always wanted the white woman to get her comeuppance. Some people longed for more bad to happen to BDH’s character, but I thought the subtlety of giving her herpes was classic. There she was. All “holier than thou” in her racist glory and BAM! Cold sore. Herpes.

Catch phrase “Mint” from Super 8

Super 8 Abrams 1 650x394 560x339Here’s why this is brilliant: I thoroughly enjoyed listening to random people try to make “mint” a part of modern vernacular. “Man did you see that Elvis Andrus play? So mint… ” Awesomely lame. It was like when people kept using “WASSUP!” or “Show me the money!”

The Ability to Film Underwater

Sometimes a movie becomes so much more effective when you take a simple moment to change it just enough to make it powerful. When the oldest daughter in The Descendants learns of her mother’s death, (this is NOT a spoiler. It’s what the whole movie is about) she dives underwater and lets out a primal scream. It was an amazing moment because we got to see it all. I’m already baffled how an actual camera works — that’s witchcraft. Now make it waterproof too? SUPER witchcraft.

Fat Jonah Hill

Fat Jonah Hill 560x383Fat Jonah Hill gave us comedy. Skinny Jonah Hill gave us Oscar gold! It’s like when pretty actresses make themselves ugly for a role; we had to appreciate their beauty first so we could truly appreciate their ugliness. Without the appreciation of Jonah Hill’s portliness from years past, you can’t fully understand his brilliance in Moneyball.

Fast Five Fingerprint Scene

Every now and then there is a scene so ridiculous and bad that it’s good, nay, amazing. Well Fast Five has a scene where they get the bad guy’s fingerprints by having a sexy lady seduce him and have him slap her ass. Then they lift the prints off her ass. What?!?! Hooray Hollywood!

Ron’s Giant Weed Room in Attack the Block

First of all, Attack the Block is amazing because it uses guttermouth British kids who have never acted as its stars. Second of all, there’s a giant weed room. You know what makes movies better? Giant weed rooms. The stakes skyrocket. You know what guttermouth British teens will die to protect? A giant weed room.

The Thankfulness That You’re not Adam Sandler

I can’t believe I used to respect this guy as a comedian. This past year he was the writer for Bucky Larson, the worst reviewed movie of the year, and the creative head and star of Jack and Jill, the dumbest movie of the year. He was also a producer on Zookeeper, another trash movie. I mean, sure he’s cashing checks, but does he have to? Nicolas Cage thinks he’s making bad career decisions.