12 Bizarre Dream-States

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Fewer things are more disturbing and downright messed up than waking from the most absurd dream you have ever had -in a puddle of your own sweat- wondering how on earth you went from the pleasantries of sharing a hot tub with Catherine Zeta Jones to drinking gin out of a bath tub with Too-Tall Jones. Some things are better left unknown… especially when it comes to weird dreams. What follows are twelve of the most classic and oddest dreams each and every one of us has had. Please, turn down your lights where applicable.

12

Falling

Boy, being violently jolted awake at the precise moment you slip into comfortable and lucid sleep because your dreaming self is plummeting to its rapid demise from a skyscraper is disconcerting to say the very least. I swear, I am honestly surprised I have never shit myself from the full-on seizures I go into for that split second. Stupid flightless body… damn!

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11

Flying

Of course, the polar opposite and on the far more enjoyable end of the ‘in-air’ spectrum is the sensation of taking wing and soaring through the beautiful blue skies; effortlessly and wonderfully grazing the treetops. Just freakin’ once I’d love to wake up suspended feet above the floor and ride the dream currents through my day. Of course, knowing my luck, I’d get shot at.

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10

The Horror

The lights are gone. The inky, suffocating blanket of darkness has enveloped you. You struggle just to adjust your wide, fleeting gaze… but to no avail. And a deafening cacophonous menagerie of chitters, chirrups, and gibbering, guttural breathing stirs the air. And then you wake up to the very same darkness you fought to escape. How’s that for pissing your bed?

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9

Getting Some Strange

First off, let me start out by solidifying the fact that I am in the deepest most adoring love with my wife and it would take an act of Congress coupled with an act of God to sever that binding tie. That being said, I have had many dreams where I’m playing ‘hide the salami’ with some faceless chick. I have no idea where it stems from; I have no Earthly desire to sleep with another woman (believe me, if you could meet my wife, you’d nod in immediate appreciation), so I seriously haven’t a damn clue where these dreams are coming from. I also so need to stop enjoying them. Probably.

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8

Public Nudity

Wow. What can you say about the dreams of appearing in front of a large crowd without a lick of clothing on. Yeah, I know it’s supposedly anchored deep in the subconscious where one has a fear of speaking or failing in public, but why do I have to be meandering around ‘commando’? Wouldn’t it be just as frightening to, say, be wearing a road-killed beaver? I am not exactly the sight to be ‘hanging out’… if you get my drift.

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7

This is NOT My House

Time after time I dream that, for some reason, I am in someone else’s house and only I seem to be able to understand the fact that I am not supposed to be there. Everyone else around me is just oblivious to the fact that I am residing in a home that I have either never been in -to my knowledge- or, at the very least, have never lived in. Yet, somehow, I still know where all the shit is at. Weird.

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6

This is NOT My Family

Closely related to the above nonsense is this one, right here. Finding yourself comfortably shacked up with a completely foreign family. Now I don’t necessarily mean foreign as in, like, Chinese or something (although that has happened… in my dream I mean) but the family itself is just plain not your family. I know, in reality, I have a wife and three kids, so, when I get to dreaming about living with a man, a giraffe, and sextuplets… something is way ‘F’d up.

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5

The Totally Surreal

I adore Surrealistic Art; I’m a big Dali fan, among others, so I guess it stands to reason that I can, potentially, dream about flying pancakes and six-legged mules. But being trapped in that type of dream and attempting, fleetingly, to claw your way back into reality from such a deep slumber is just about as scary as it gets. I’ll take Freddy, thanks.

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4

1-900-Deadtalk

Growing up I was very close to my Grandmother. A few years ago she passed. Now, like friggin clockwork, I see, speak, and even smell her (her kitchen, sick-o’s) nearly nightly in my dreams. Yeah, at first it was pretty damn freaky, but I gotta tell you, without those dreams, it almost feels as though I’d lose touch completely. Those dreams are nice. Bat-shit bonkers, but nice.

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3

This Life is a Lie

Similar to the wrong house/wrong family dreams, comes this exciting little number: living a lie. Much akin to being a spy, I guess, I’ve had dreams where I’m literally being fed untruths and tales about the family I know so that I will become acclimated to my new, far different, life. I have no explanation for this aside from the brain wondering what my life would possibly be like had I not married and reproduced three-fold. I have no idea, but it’s damn creepy.

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2

Eyes Without a Face

Maybe one of the scariest dreams of all time is the one where you, in your own jacked-up little head, see yourself walking around like nothing’s going on. Oh, I freaking HATE that! If I can see me, then who the hell am I doing the looking! If I am the guy, right freaking there in the street aimlessly doddering around, who is the man behind the eyes seeing these goings-on? It’s so frustrating it boggles my mind into stupidity!

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1

I Had Legs When I Came in Here

And finally, the ever-popular limb loss! Oh sick and twisted are the sleeping thoughts about somehow, some way, having an arm, leg, foot, hand, face, forcibly severed from your person. I have literally woken up with entire halves of my body numb from pretzel-ed yoga positions and lurching awake to send precious blood to my ghostly limbs. Not even remotely funny.

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