I thought they did these on a Tuesday? Oh well. The 2013 Oscar nominations are out and boy are they not full of surprises. Here’s a list of the categories people give a sh*t about (sorry, Costume Design).

Best Picture

• Amour – The proverbial French entry about love and death.
• Argo – Like all of Ben Affleck’s directing efforts, just shy of awesome.
• Beasts of the Southern Wild – Poor people are really rich. I hated this movie.
• Django Unchained – Tarantino’s best film since Pulp Fiction.
• Les Miserables – A musical? No thanks.
• Life of Pi – The heartwarming story of baked goods.
• Lincoln – Steven Spielberg blah blah blah… Daniel Day-Lewis blah blah blah… It will win, unfortunately.
• Silver Linings Playbook – Haven’t seen it yet, but it’s about Philadelphia Eagles fans, so it must end tragically.
• Zero Dark Thirty – Bin Laden gets got and it’s glorious.

Best Actor

• Daniel Day-Lewis (Lincoln) – Best actor on the planet.
• Denzel Washington (Flight) – C’mon Academy!
• Hugh Jackman (Les Miserables) – He sings and broods and kills bad guys with razor sharp hand blades.
• Bradley Cooper (Silver Linings Playbook) – The guy from The Hangover?
• Joaquin Phoenix (The Master) – He whispers and mumbles a lot.

Best Actress

• Naomi Watts (The Impossible) – Won’t win, but she’s super terrific.
• Jessica Chastain (Zero Dark Thirty) – Should win, but probably won’t.
• Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook) – She looks really good in spandex.
• Emmanuelle Riva (Amour) – Oscar loves dying.
• Quvenzhané Wallis (Beasts of the Southern Wild) – Cute kid.

Best Supporting Actor

• Christoph Waltz (Django Unchained) – Not as amazing as Inglourious Basterds, but highly entertaining.
• Philip Seymour Hoffman (The Master) – Is great in everything he does,
• Robert De Niro (Silver Linings Playbook) – No Meryl Streep in 2012, so there’s this.
• Alan Arkin (Argo) – My favorite of the bunch.
• Tommy Lee Jones (Lincoln) – He sleeps with his black housekeeper.

Best Supporting Actress

• Sally Field (Lincoln) – She had like two scenes.
• Anne Hathaway (Les Miserables) – Sexy in leather. Wait, that was another movie.
• Jacki Weaver (Silver Linings Playbook) – Second nom after the fantastic Animal Kingdom.
• Helen Hunt (The Sessions) – Gets naked and looks great at 49.
• Amy Adams (The Master) – She can do wrong in my book.

Best Director

• David O. Russell (Silver Linings Playbook) – Once made a movie about masturbation and incest.
• Ang Lee (Life of Pi) – No gay cowboys, so he won’t win.
• Steven Spielberg (Lincoln) – Lock.
• Michael Haneke (Amour) – Watch the original Funny Games. It will leave you speechless.
• Benh Zeitlin (Beasts of the Southern Wild) – Knows where to place a camera, I’ll give him that.