2013 Oscar Nominations are Here

By Scott Tunstall on

I thought they did these on a Tuesday? Oh well. The 2013 Oscar nominations are out and boy are they not full of surprises. Here’s a list of the categories people give a sh*t about (sorry, Costume Design).

Best Picture

Amour – The proverbial French entry about love and death.
Argo – Like all of Ben Affleck’s directing efforts, just shy of awesome.
Beasts of the Southern Wild – Poor people are really rich. I hated this movie.
Django Unchained – Tarantino’s best film since Pulp Fiction.
Les Miserables – A musical? No thanks.
Life of Pi – The heartwarming story of baked goods.
Lincoln – Steven Spielberg blah blah blah… Daniel Day-Lewis blah blah blah… It will win, unfortunately.
Silver Linings Playbook – Haven’t seen it yet, but it’s about Philadelphia Eagles fans, so it must end tragically.
Zero Dark Thirty – Bin Laden gets got and it’s glorious.

Best Actor

Daniel Day-Lewis (Lincoln) – Best actor on the planet.
Denzel Washington (Flight) – C’mon Academy!
Hugh Jackman (Les Miserables) – He sings and broods and kills bad guys with razor sharp hand blades.
Bradley Cooper (Silver Linings Playbook) – The guy from The Hangover?
Joaquin Phoenix (The Master) – He whispers and mumbles a lot.

Best Actress

Naomi Watts (The Impossible) – Won’t win, but she’s super terrific.
Jessica Chastain (Zero Dark Thirty) – Should win, but probably won’t.
Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook) – She looks really good in spandex.
Emmanuelle Riva (Amour) – Oscar loves dying.
Quvenzhané Wallis (Beasts of the Southern Wild) – Cute kid.

Best Supporting Actor

Christoph Waltz (Django Unchained) – Not as amazing as Inglourious Basterds, but highly entertaining.
Philip Seymour Hoffman (The Master) – Is great in everything he does,
Robert De Niro (Silver Linings Playbook) – No Meryl Streep in 2012, so there’s this.
Alan Arkin (Argo) – My favorite of the bunch.
Tommy Lee Jones (Lincoln) – He sleeps with his black housekeeper.

Best Supporting Actress

Sally Field (Lincoln) – She had like two scenes.
Anne Hathaway (Les Miserables) – Sexy in leather. Wait, that was another movie.
Jacki Weaver (Silver Linings Playbook) – Second nom after the fantastic Animal Kingdom.
Helen Hunt (The Sessions) – Gets naked and looks great at 49.
Amy Adams (The Master) – She can do wrong in my book.

Best Director

David O. Russell (Silver Linings Playbook) – Once made a movie about masturbation and incest.
Ang Lee (Life of Pi) – No gay cowboys, so he won’t win.
Steven Spielberg (Lincoln) – Lock.
Michael Haneke (Amour) – Watch the original Funny Games. It will leave you speechless.
Benh Zeitlin (Beasts of the Southern Wild) – Knows where to place a camera, I’ll give him that.