5 Not So Bold Predictions for the Upcoming NBA Season

Folks, it’s that time of year again.  That magical, wonderful time of year, when girls go out dressed like sluts for Halloween despite the freezing temperatures, people go nuts over leaves changing colors despite the fact that it happens literally every year, so really, what’s the big surprise, and grown men start getting paid to run up and down a hardwood floor putting an orange ball through a cylinder.

Yes, it’s basketball season.  With the NBA tipping off this week, we figured it’s about time to break out the Magic 8-ball and make some predictions on the upcoming season. Without further ado, we give you the Not So Bold Predictions for the Upcoming NBA Season.

It’s not a big secret that this off-season the rich got richer, with the possible exception of the Lakers, who just got a whole lot funnier.

You see, there’s a reason why the NBA schedules teams like the Cavs and the Celtics against one another to open the year.  They know that these are the two best teams in the East, with the possible exception of the Magic, and they’re going to do their damndest to make sure you know about it.  The Celtics added Rasheed Wallace this past off-season, giving them another aging veteran who can stick the three and play lock-down defense.

The question is, how will he mesh with the other members of the Celtics?  Does it matter?  No, no it doesn’t.  Because the NBA is a league without parity, and chances are, we’ll end up with another Lakers versus Celtics finals match-up.  That is, unless…

We’re not convinced that adding Shaquille was a great move, because how on Earth is the 350 pound Diesel, who’s not the athlete he once was, going to keep up with LeBron?  That said, it’s going to take LeBron being even more LeBron than usual for the Cavs to advance to the NBA Finals this season.

We already talked about the Celtics, but the Cavs face another awfully tough obstacle on their way to the NBA title: the Orlando Magic.  Ron Jeremy’s team went out and signed Vince Carter in what may end up being one of the best moves of the offseason, assuming VC doesn’t quit on his team at the All-Star break as usual.  If he doesn’t, watch out, because this is one loaded Magic team.

Between the Magic and the Celtics, Cleveland fans had better be praying that LBJ has saved his best basketball for the spring of 2010, because they’ll need the King at his best if they’re going to survive in the Eastern Conference playoffs.  And if they don’t bring home a title this year, well, it’s never too early to start planning that going away party for LeBron…

We’re not talking about their on court antics, either.  Seriously, with the signing of Ron Artest and the marriage of Lamar Odom to that other Kardashian sister, this year’s version of the Lakers gives a whole new meaning to “Showtime.”

It’s not much of a stretch to say that Ron Artest is probably the most insane man in sports, and suddenly Lamar and his love of candy have been thrust into the spotlight like never before, despite the fact that until recently no one was sure that Khloe Kardashian even existed.

On the bright side, with Khloe in the stands, there’s a better than fair chance that one of these games her (inexplicably) famous sister Kim and her huge ass will show up, giving Jack Nicholson and the Lakers fans one more thing to ogle rather than actually paying attention to the game.

It’s a damn shame, too, because there’s actual potential on this team.  But the thing is, they are still the Clippers.  In all of sports, there are just those teams that you know are going to fail time and time again.  You’ve got the Bengals in football, the Nationals in baseball, the entire MLS in the world of international soccer, and the LA Clippers.

And that’s just the natural order of things.  So when you heard that Blake Griffin fractured his kneecap and will be out for at least six weeks, it really shouldn’t have come as much of a shock.  These are the Clippers.  It has been foretold that these things can, and will, always happy to the shittiest sports franchises.  And unfortunately for Clippers fans, they are the kings of that list.

To add insult to injury, while Lakers fans will be hoping to spot the more famous Kardashian’s courtside with Jack and the sunglasses that seem to be permanently affixed to his head, Clippers fans get the eye candy that is…Billy Crystal.

We can’t explain it, but every single year people are ready to write off the Spurs, who have the smartest front office in the NBA and the greatest power forward of all time.

Tim Duncan isn’t flashy, and we all know this.  He’s boring.  He even sounds boring.  His name is boring.  But you know what?  He’s got a handful of championship rings and more skill in the post than just about any other big man in history, and this year he’s got as good a supporting cast as he’s ever had.

People seem to forget that the Spurs added Richard Jefferson and picked up the criminally underrated DaJuan Blair in the draft, and that Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker are back once again.  Not only that, but the word is that Duncan is as healthy as he’s been in years, and San Antonio still has the best coach in basketball in Gregg Popovich.

So get ready, basketball fans, because Curtis Blow’s favorite sport tips off this week, and we’re in for another predictably boring season.  And frankly, we can’t wait.