A Dozen Sodas That Sound Like Pornos

Everyone knows that porn flicks have either incredibly awesome names (see: Behind The Green Door, Chameleon) or laughably ridiculous names that mock familiar cinema territory (Shaving Ryan’s Privates, The 69th Sense, etc). There are so many pornos made each year (somewhere in the neighborhood of a thousand or so), that the titles just start to get surreal and absolutely asinine. We’re serious, check THIS out! (A Thin Line Between Love and Taint? Really?)

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is that anything now-a-days can look or sound like a porn movie! Even, as it seems, sodas! Now I’m fairly certain none of these exist anymore, so, in that respect, they would almost fit here: A Tribute to Fallen Sodas. Well, maybe not. Either way, I’d like to thank the author who made THIS site, as it’s the one I stumbled on and made my discoveries. So, with all that yadda-yadda, we’re off! Oh, and I purposely left off Squirt. Everyone knows Squirt and yes, it sounds like a (ahem) ‘mouthful’. So, no Squirt. Enjoy!

12) Big Chief Creme

I couldn’t really find any decent info on the actual soda, only that it is a Cream Soda. I did find THIS, however. But who gives a shit, really? Look at the name? Big Creme Chief? It sounds like a dirty seventies porno featuring acres of untrimmed hedges, a huge dude dressed like a Native American, sloppy bass riffs, and words among moans such as, “deeper”, “ooh”, and “Damn, woman! You needs a shave and a haircut!” Starring Ron Jeremy.

11) Big Boy

Since this is another of those ‘antique’ sodas that doesn’t really see the light of day much anymore, all I really discovered was THIS. Other than that, this could literally be the title to any given porno featuring the lengthy awesomeness of John Holmes. Look, I don’t seek porn specifically for the yardage of a given tool, but let’s give props where props are due.

10) Chocolate Soldier

This one practically writes itself! In fact, I’d go so far as to say I’ve seen a porno with precisely this title! There was this really tall guy who had this huge… oh, wait. No, that was this with Darryl Dawkins. Still, this has got to be a porno somewhere.

9) Double Cherry

Man, there’s Double Cherry everything from pumpkin muffins (also a great name for a porno) to streusel bars, but I got nothin’ on the Double Cherry soda. Oh well, it still sounds exactly like a movie possibly starring super hot twins, like any number of these double delights right here, and ideally they’d both get their, um, comeuppance at the same time. Oh yeah. Giggity.

8) Frisky

It’s so frustrating not being able to find anything on the once-existence of these long dead drinks other than one little picture. Fortunately, that’s not the point of this article! If the name Frisky doesn’t conjure up images of Jenna Jameson getting tail-gated by some perspiring stud on top of some nuvo-futuristic hovercraft, I don’t know what does.

7) Fruit Bowl

Take a good look at this sign. Looks like a tasty beverage, does it not? Well, let me -ahem- put a worse taste in your mouth: Fruit Bowl the porno. Let’s just say, without being too descriptive and graphic here, there are no women in this flick. ‘Nectar for a Nickel’ indeed.

6) Korker

It should really come as no surprise that there is very little info on this ancient beverage save for a few sites hocking signs and bottles. This also sounds like one of those movies where there’s some guy (super well-hung, no doubt) going around invading ladies personal spaces. If you know what I mean.

5) Kreme Puff

So, um… type in Creme Puff porno into your favorite search engine -I prefer Google- and, well… you’ll either thank me or cringe in disgusted anger. So, as you can already see, Kreme Puff (no matter how you spell it) is kinda already a pretty nasty thing. Yeah, this can’t be what it seems. No way.

4) Lic-Rich

Wow, $3.99 for a bottle cap? Those things are valuable! I need to start hoarding all my beer caps. Anyway, this is actually a licorice-flavored soda (eww). Black Licorice, I presume. So, in that regard, I think you can plainly see the makings of a classic porno here. Yeah, there ya go.

3) O-So Cherry

This pic is by no means the same thing as the soda. But ‘yum’, right? Anyway, since the histories of these pops is like finding any concrete evidence on Bigfoot, I went right to porn-movie mode. I guarantee this amazing film stars a virgin. At least a temporary virgin.

2) Quiky

Go down (ha!) about mid page HERE and you’ll see a bit of info on Quiky. On a side note, this would absolutely be the most perfect porn concepts of all time! I mean who ever really watches a porn all the way through admiring the subtle nuances of the actor’s oeuvre? No one, that’s who! We fast forward to the best scenes and spend a maximum of three minutes taking care of business. This movie, Quiky, would be nothing but the best scenes. It comes with tissue.

1) Southern Delight

Hey, good news! I found this! Impressive. Nothing on the soda, except for this little masterpiece. This little Country Fried treat would feature like one smokin’ hot chick from Louisiana and her slightly less attractive sister who she has to teach all the family secrets. Also sex.