A Sneak Peek at the “Walter the Farting Dog” Script

Walter the Farting Dog, a children’s book series that makes the Captain Underpants series look avant-garde, is getting its own movie. If you can’t guess what the plot of the book could possibly revolve around, you should focus less on reading this article and more on remembering how to breathe.

While we would be alright if this was getting made into an animated feature, what caught our attention was that all four Jonas Brothers would be starring in this cinematic masterpiece. That’s right, four. The one brother who doesn’t play an instrument is getting a chance to shine.

We were skeptical, to say the least. Then, a fellow Gunaxican (one who writes for this site) came forward and revealed that he had managed to get his hands on part of the script. He found one of the writers, Joel Cohen, and knocked him into unconsciousness using a sit out full nelson atomic drop before switching to a inverted shoulder facebreaker and finishing with a kickflip underflip to pogo manual. It was only after he had destroyed most of this man’s bone did the writer realize who this man was, and after grabbing the first thing he found in Cohen’s back pocket, he ran.

As it turns out, Cohen was carrying part of the original rough draft to “Walter.” Needless to say, we feel that the writers too the plot in a bold new direction. So here is the unedited rough draft of the script to Walter the Farting Dog:

SETTING: In an SUV, on a highway during a warm June in the afternoon.

JOE JONAS in bed, at home at night.

We see the JONAS BROTHERS driving back from the animal shelter, gathered around their new dog, WALTER, as their father, played by ROB SCHNEIDER, drives. KEVIN and NICK sit in the middle section with WALTER between them, while JOE sits in the back, alone. The passenger seat is held by a blow-up doll in a dress, who acts as ROB SCHNEIDER’s wife, “MARTHA.”

ROB SCHNEIDER :
So you guys understand that it’s your responsibility to feed, walk, and clean this dog?

JONAS BROTHERS (simultaneously, in eerie harmony)
We can handle it!

JOE JONAS (petting WALTER)
We’re going to take good care of you!

There’s a brief pause everyone in the car sniffs the air, as if discovering a foul odor.

NICK JONAS
Did someone fart?

ROB SCHNEIDER
I didn’t do it.

KEVIN JONAS
I didn’t do it.

JOE JONAS
I didn’t do it.

As everyone is trying to determine who “dealt it,” a sound like that of the death rattles of a duck comes from the middle seat between JOE and NICK. Everyone in the car turns to look at WALTER, and realize that he is the source of the putrid stench.

EVERYONE (simultaneously, scolding)
Walter!

WALTER looks around, whining innocently as everyone reacts to this new layer of fart and begins coughing.

NICK JONAS
Holy cow, this smells like something died.

JOE JONAS
Oh God, someone open a window. It’s drifting back here.

KEVIN JONAS
It stings my eyes!

JOE JONAS (frantically)
Open the flippin’ window!

The windows finally open and everyone begins to breathe easily again. ROB SCHNEIDER turns on the radio, as if this will somehow help eliminate the odor.

ROB SCHNEIDER
So any news from the guys up top?

NICK JONAS
They say we need a animal mascot so that we can boost our sales!

KEVIN JONAS (with great concern)
But where are we going find an animal mascot in the middle of June?

The JONAS BROTHERS sigh (simultaneously) and try to think up of a mascot.

KEVIN JONAS
How about a cat?

NICK and JOE JONAS (simultaneously)
Naaah.

WALTER inches towards NICK as if to say “how about a dog?” Nobody notices this.

NICK JONAS
How about…a beaver!

KEVIN and JONAS
Naaah!

WALTER whines, irritated, as if to say “say ‘how about a dog?’ you fucksticks.”

Just then the radio begins playing the new JONAS BROTHERS song “Hot Sugar Love.”

ROB SCHNEIDER
Hey, that’s your song!

NICK JONAS
Yeah, we know. We wrote it.

As the song enters the first verse, WALTER begins growling.

KEVIN JONAS
What’s wrong, Walter?

WALTER’s growling grow louder. KEVIN reaches to pet WALTER.

KEVIN JONAS
It’s okay boy, no need to wor-

WALTER snaps at KEVIN’s hand and starts barking furiously.  NICK wags his finger to scold WALTER.

NICK JONAS
No. Bad Walter. Bad.

In one swift motion, WALTER tears off NICK’s hand and swallows it whole. As the three brothers panic, WALTER resumes barking, which is now deafening. Foam gathers around his blood-stained gums. Calmly, ROB SCHNEIDER turns around, completely oblivious to the situation.

ROB SCHNEIDER
Hey, if you kids don’t keep it down, I’m going to turn this car aro-

WALTER leaps from the seat and seizes ROB SCHNEIDER by the throat. As ROB SCHNEIDER struggles to prevent this canine from ripping out his jugular, he steps on the gas pedal as the car rockets off the side of the road. The JONAS BROTHERS realize they’re heading up a small hill directly towards a lone tree.

JONAS BROTHERS (simultaneously)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A split second before the car makes impact with the tree, it cuts to black.

FADE INTO: The scene of the crash.

As the camera pans over the wreckage, we see that after hitting the tree the car rolled baskwards down the hill, leaving a trail of broken glass and warped metal chunks of car. The crumpled hood of the car is now on fire, and the windshield has been smashed to smithereens.
We then see JOE JONAS as he stirs.

JOE JONAS (semi-awake)
…ugh…what…

He sits up, glancing at each member of the car. He sees NICK, not moving, likely dead from blood loss. He sees, KEVIN, eyes wide open and neck bent at an impossible angle. He sees ROB SCHNEIDER, throat ripped apart like one of his many movies in a movie review.

He sees then sees MARTHA, who has miraculously survived unscathed. JOE breathes a sigh of relief, and almost immediately MARTHA pops and begins flying about the destroyed car like a balloon, before deflating on KEVIN’s head with a high-pitched “fweeeeeeeeeeeee.”

As JOE tries to stumble out of the wreck, something catches his eye. From beyond the flames he spies a short, fat creature, waddling about.

JOE JONAS
Walter?

Indeed, we see WALTER look JOE dead in the eyes through the flames, seemingly grinning with blood-soaked teeth. Before JOE can react, WALTER turns around 180 degrees and raises his tail. JOE realizes what is about to happen all too late. All he can do is watch.

JOE JONAS
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

SLOW MOTION:

We see the gas fired from WALTER’s asshole like a fire hose. It meets the fire on the hood, and barrels towards the lone JONAS BROTHER. In less than a few seconds, the wall of fire is mere inches from his screaming face.

CUT TO:

JOE bolts up, sweating profusely. He surveys his surroundings, and sees that his brothers are all sound asleep. Realizing it was all a bad dream, smiles. He goes into the washroom and washes his face. After drying his face, he sits down on his bed and after breathing another sigh of relief, wrinkles his nose.

JOE JONAS (disgusted)
Ugh! What smells like rotten…

JOE’s eyes widen. He surveys the room again for any sign of WALTER. He then turns to the open door that leads into the hallway on the other side of the room. It is pitch black.

END SCENE