Advice from the Advice Guy

ADVICE GUY copy

Dear Advice Guy,

I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. My boss at the spring coil factory is dumping more on me than I can handle and my oldest son is getting into whippets pretty heavily and I feel helpless about it because he won’t listen to me when I say quit it and now because of it his brain is getting more and more messed up and he’s pimply. I can’t find the remote control to the TV so now I’m stuck watching Sponge Bob and they are showing all the ones I already seen and now my wife tells me there’s twins on the way on account of how I knocked her up twice in a row real fast without resting in between. I got this brother in law who’s into yoga and herbal tea  and all that kind of new age voodoo stuff and he’s telling me I ought to meditate everyday because if I do, then maybe my blood pressure will ease down some and I’ll get more relaxed. I don’t know though, Advice Guy. I tried meditating. I tried to just sit on a tree stump for an hour and not think about anything, but all that stuff I wasn’t thinking about kept filling up my head anyway and I didn’t accomplish nothing. Maybe you can help me. How should I meditate? What’s the best way to do something like that?

Sincerely,
Unmeditated in Tennessee

stress 3

Why can't everyone just DIE!

Dear Un,
I feel your pain, brother. Sometimes when I ride the metro, there’s nothing better for me to do than to stare at the back of the head of the person in the seat in front of me. So if I’m lucky, it will be a really pretty girl with really clean hair that doesn’t have any clumps in it or lint, and maybe she will turn her head just barely enough for me to get a good look at her reflection in the window, and if I’m really lucky she’ll be really really pretty, and then I can fantasize about what it would be like if she married my dad and become my new mom. If that happened, then who knows? Maybe she’d take me shopping and buy me some new shoes and stuff , like t-shirts and maybe she has a great recipe for lasagna that she will cook for me on my birthday. That would be so cool!  I’d like that a lot. I’ve seen a lot of pretty girls that my dad should get married to on the metro. He’s been lonely since mom went to work in the liquor store. So, to meditate, my advice is stare at a pretty girl until she marries your dad. If your blood pressure doesn’t go down, well, I’m not sure what to tell you. Go rake some sand, maybe. I saw a monk doing that in a movie once. I don’t think he suffered any ailments so there must be something to it.

Dear Advice Guy,

I’m 14 years old and there’s this girl I’m in love with, but I don’t think she loves me. How can I make her love me?

Sincerely,
Unloved in Pohoa

spring large unloved 300x225

Why can't everyone just DIE!

Dear Un,
Ah, love. Yes. It is very important that you make her love you as you do her. If you fail to accomplish this, then in your mind, for the rest of what will likely be a short lonely life,  she will always be a bitch-whore slut-bag lesbian. Remembering your first love as a bitch-whore slut bag lesbian will tarnish your view of all women everywhere, who not all are bitch-whore slut-bag lesbians. Take my word for that because for every three bitch-whore slut-bag lesbians, there’s probably one or two that are actually worth while to have around. But you won’t see that, will you? No. And why not? Because you will never get over that bitch-whore slut-bag lesbian who did you wrong and broke your poor young impressionable heart. Unless you want that to happen, little feller, you better take my advice. Here it is. There is nothing girls like better than to talk. They talk a lot. What they really like to talk about the most though, is themselves and their family, so keep the conversation in that direction. Here’s what you want to do to get them to talking about their family. Ask them point blank, “Who’s your daddy? Who’s you’re daddy? Who’s your daddy?” You do that and you got yourself a good woman for now and for the rest of many liife times yet to come for ever and ever. Do it!

Dear Advice Guy,

Man, I don’t know. Christmas is what? Seven months away? I got to get busy and do my shopping. This drives me crazy. I never know what to get anybody, especially my girlfriend. I want to get her the perfect gift, but I never know what that is. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Undecided at Christmas

sad blue christmas man

Why can't everyone just DIE!

Dear Un,
You are not alone. I go through the same thing every year myself. I remember twelve years ago. It was Christmas time and I got the idea that maybe I should do a little shopping, you know buy some presents for people and stuff. So I went to the local mall in my neighborhood, 42 blocks away, and I was looking for that store that sells all that fancy soap and bath stuff. But I couldn’t find it. So I looked at that big map they have and there was an arrow pointing away, and it said, “You are over there.” So I went over there. And when I got there, sure enough, there I was. I was like, “Whoa! This is too freaky for me!” So I decided maybe I should do my shopping on Amazon.com. So I left to go home, but I stopped at the liquor store on the way home to buy everything I needed to make White Russians, because I like White Russians. So I got home and started drinking White Russians, and by the time I started my Amazon.com shopping, I was good and drunk. When you’re good and drunk and shopping on Amazon.com, you don’t always make the best shopping choices. So about a week later, UPS starts delivering all this weird stuff to me that I ordered. And that is the true story of how my nine year old nephew got a chest hair wig for Christmas that year. So what you should do is remember that women like shoes so buy her a pair of boots because boots are like shoes, only better because she can wear them while digging a ditch.