The Badass Way the Tesla Model S Became the Safest Car Ever

800px Model S copyThe Tesla Model S recently won the highly impressive accolade of the safest car in the entire world. Whereas most places are talking about how this proves that the electric car finally had one over on traditional forms of transport, we thought we’d talk about how the Tesla earned this accolade in the most badass way possible.

Now for a start, just getting 5 stars in one category of safety meant that Tesla has had to crash their cars hundreds of times just to see what happens when they smash into something at 50mph. Look at how crumpled this thing is in the video and keep in mind that everyone in this thing would survive. Can we design condoms this strong? Tesla, seriously, you should be making everything!


Those numbers are all counting how erect the research team is.

The thing is, the Tesla is so difficult to break, it literally broke the machine designed to destroy cars. The Tesla is so safe that the machines designed to test how safe it is, couldn’t handle it. When they tried to flip one over, they had to develop a special method of rolling it. When they tried to rear-end it, the seat at the back of the car was still statistically the safest place to be.

When you design a car you can smash into the back of and you’re safer sitting in the back seat of the car THAT IS CURRENTLY BEING REAR-ENDED. You win at designing cars.

But here’s another fun fact, Tesla were literally not going to let this thing get anything less than 5 stars across the board. When they decided to test the roof strength and found that you could easily stack another 4 cars onto the roof without hurting anyone inside (destroying that machine that was testing it in the process, because why not?), Tesla still weren’t happy. To make sure that the people inside were safer than a ming vase in a pillow factory, they took the Tesla and redesigned the roof so that it got 5 stars regardless of how it was configured.

They altered this car after it got 5 stars, just to make sure it would always get 5 stars when tested again. Remember this is after they already found out you could make a double Tesla sandwich. Apparently being able to beat a Tesla with another Tesla just isn’t tough enough in Tesla’s book.

If people were as hard-wearing as Tesla want their cars to be, we wouldn’t need cars, we could just launch ourselves out of cannons in the general direction of wherever it was we were trying to go. Actually, we wouldn’t be surprised if that was Tesla’s next test, they’ve done everything else.