The Bathroom of Tomorrow
You might not know this, but chicks dig funny guys. Seriously, they really like us. We’ve got the video to prove it. That being said, this last New Year’s Eve was a blast. There were so many ridiculous moments of curvaceous debauchery, we could have made an entire list-based article on just the variety of panties that were seen and thrown at us during the party…
Instead, here’s a list of things we needed to clean ourselves up! We proudly present, The Bathroom of Tomorrow, available today!
- 5. An Automatic Shower
Ahhh, the shower. We don't know about you, but this place is like our temple in the throne-room (more on the throne later though). To those not blessed with the careful, brooding art of internet-comedy, it is oft-times the only place to just simply, uh.. release. And this shower is the St. Peter's Basilica of showers.
This thing has 18 computer-controlled shower-heads, including one specifically for your bum-regions. These are controlled by the touch-screen display which, remarkably, isn't waterproof (What the hell SilverTag?). This also controls the programmable soap/rinse cycle like you're a Corvette in a god-damned automatic car-wash.
- 4. A TV-Mirror
So you get out of the glorious aura that is the SilverTag Shower, check the mirror..
...and catch up on the morning news. Or the stock-market. Or a comedy website. Or porn for all we give a damn: It's a functioning mirror with a built in 19" LCD monitor!
The guys over at Seura knew what they were doing and included a waterproof remote, LED in-mirror lighting, and built in speakers. It connects with anything an LCD monitor can, which is to say most every electronic gadget you've bought in the last two years.
The marvel here is when you turn the screen off, the mirror just reflects back like usual. They do this by using a one-way back-lit mirror, much like the material we see so often in the Hollywood interrogation rooms. It's only a matter of time before someone hacks it into having a web-cam built in as well, which we've all agreed will lead only to lawsuits and clips from Jackass 5.
- 3. A Bathtub With an AI
Sometimes you just need to lay down in the tub and relax. Okay so no, you don't, ever-bearded reader, but the ladies like to. Owning one of these bathtubs is guaranteed to create lines of women streaming from your bathroom waiting to use this thing for an hour .
The iHome SmartHydro Bathtub boasts the ability to regulate the exact temperature you desire, and can be controlled via onboard settings or your cellphone or the internet or the remote it also comes with, in case the rest of those options were just a little too convenient for you.
It's also got massage jets, can text-message you when it's at the desired temperature, and can release perfumes at programmed intervals during your stay in the tub's comforting belly, which is also partially transparents, thanks to the acrylic windows built into it's sides.
Best part? It cleans itself.
- 2. A Sapphire-Bladed, Iridium-Built Razor
We at Gunaxin take our facial hair seriously.
So when it comes to keeping up our mustaches, we demand the best. We also demand that our razors be able to withstand temperatures twice the surface of Venus, be resistant to any type of corrosion, and also cut our hair to within the size of a single molecule. We want a razor that can literally cut bacteria in half.
Enter the Zafirro Iridium.
Zafirro is to razor-blades what Pixar is to animated films. According to them, "Expertise in fields as varied as rocket engine manufacturing, nanotechnology, and particle physics" were needed over the course of more than three years to develop a sapphire blade so thin, it measures at 1/5000 the width of a human hair. We weren't kidding about being able to slice bacterium in half like a god-damned nano-samauri, that blade is only about 100 atoms wide at it's edge.
There's an even more incredible upside though! This blade will last for at least two decades. Any man who's shaved twice a day to keep the stubble down can cheer at that!
Of course we have to bring up the cost, and it seems reasonable to avoid replacing blades over the long haul. This marvelous little wonder will set you back $100,000 for one (with the 20 year service/warranty). There are cheaper, titanium alternatives though, and they actually seem to almost make sense. If you use a disposable-razor cartridge once a day for 365 days, the cost will come to nearly $2000. Why not have a razor with free sharpening/warranty service for 20 years?
Because we don't want a razor that will melt on the surface of Venus, that's why.
- 1. The Numi Toilet
Oh we assure you, there is a toilet in the above image. That rectangular bit to the left of what you were looking at? That, dear readers, is a robotic toilet named The Numi. But not the armageddon, Terminator-like toilet. This is what toilets would be like in The Jetsons if they ever showed the damn thing.
Nevermind the implication that you're taking a shit in full view of what appears to be the Hollywood hills, just take a look at that link we mentioned above. This one. Here's the completely serious commercial:
There are simply too many ridiculous features on a toilet that looks like it was made by Apple for us to feel good about putting them here. We wouldn't even be trying at this 'comedy' thing. We simply leave you with this:
Bryan Guidicianni is also a purveyor of dick jokes at Cracked.com. He also does other productive things from time to time.