Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA

By on August 15th, 2009

Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., is a reoccurring segment on the Colbert Report sponsored by Prescott Pharmaceuticals. Prescott Pharmaceuticals is a division of The Prescott Group, and the makers of such products as Vaxadrin, Vaxadrine, and Atomo Kleen. Each segment, Stephen presents a Prescott product for your betterment, complete with possible side effects. Below are some of Prescott’s taglines:

  • Guaranteed to change your life, and possibly your genetic code.
  • The tingling tells you it’s working, the class action lawsuit tells you it’s Prescott.
  • Good for what ails you. And in some cases, actually what ails you.
  • Remember, if it’s childproof, it’s not Prescott!
  • We sincerely apologize about that whole zombie thing.
  • Ask your doctor if Vaxadrone is right for you. And if he says no, see another doctor.
  • The industry leader in recall efficiency
  • The last word in medicine, because Prescott is often, literally, our patients’ last word.
  • You’re not just a patient, you are patient zero.

So in honor of the Cheating Death segments and Prescott, here are some of their products, complete with video clips and known side effects. And remember, I’ll see you in health!

Vaxadrin – Stay Trim the Natural Way with Vaxadrin, the only weight loss pill recommended by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.

Side Effects may include:

  • Dry Mouth
  • Severe Weight Loss
  • Restless Leg Syndrome
  • Restless Arm Syndrome
  • Restless Torso syndrome

Vaxadrin – It is also the only anxiuretic recommended by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.

Side Effects may include:

  • Massive weight gain
  • Warning: may cause minor heart explosions

Children’s Vaxadrin – Promote strong healthy teeth in children with Children’s Vaxadrin and give your kids extra-sparkly adult teeth. Guaranteed to grow strong, healthy teeth, often in your mouth. Remember, even though baby teeth are God’s dental mulligans, adult teeth are kinda important.

Side Effects may include:

  • Rage
  • Mild Hulkism
  • Warning: Do not give to Children under 18

Diet Cherry Vanilla Vaxadrin – It’s amazing. It is also very fizzy.

Vaxadrine – From the makers of Vaxadrin, keep your body cleansed the Natural Way with Vaxadrine.

Side Effects may include:

  • Phantom Hand Syndrome
  • Vivid dreams of self-cannibalization

Vaxadrine – Regrow hair the Natural Way with Vaxadrine, the only hair growth tonic endorsed by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.

Side Effects may include:

  • Scruffula
  • Bad humors
  • Late Onset Albinoism

Vaxadrine with Calcium – Internally decapitated? Strengthen head and neck bones the natural way with Vaxadrine with Calcium, the only regenerative elixir endorsed by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A. Just liberally pour a healthy glass of milk into your bottle of Vaxadrine. Also goes great with coffee.

Side Effects may include:

  • It has a certain sedative effect
  • Spontaneous pregnancy
  • Increased risk of vampire attack

Coming soon: Vaxadrone and Vaxadrone for Baboons

Vaxa-Smacks – It’s the first cereal guaranteed to shrink your prostate. Or, if you’re a lady, grow ya one.

Side Effects may include:

  • Dry mouth
  • Hairy Uvula
  • Speaking in tongues
  • Note: Vaxa-Smacks is not for people who have, may have, or have decided not to have children.

Vaxa-Dream – A toothpaste. It does not contain any antifreeze – in truth, it is certified not to contain anything stronger than glass cleaner and beef tallow. Kissing someone who brushes with Vaxa-Dream is like making out with the cleaning crew at a steak house.

Side Effects may include:

  • Spontaneous and uncontrollable gum growth

Vaxadril – Curbs your appetite by causing short-term blindness. Food is the last thing you will be thinking of if you suddenly lose your sight.

Side Effects may include:

  • Increased appetite
  • Permanent blindness

Vaxachub – The only virility aid made entirely from powdered mice. If you experience erections lasting more than 4 hours, you are welcome.

Side Effects may include:

  • Mild kidney explosions
  • Testicular cranberrying
  • Rectal hallucinations
  • Note: There are also ongoing, and as of yet, undenied rumors that Vaxachub causes sterility

Vaxascab– A blood clotter, just jab these platelet packed pills directly into your wound.

Side Effects may include:

  • Pulmonary weevils
  • Brain tooth
  • Reemergence of the umbilical cord

Vaxasom – It’s made from a specially formulated compound that mimics the effects of ruffies, in that they are ruffies. Warning: Vaxasom is a mildly addictive sedative. Only use Vaxasom if you can devote the next eight to twelve hours of your life to sleep, and the next eight to twelve years of your life to rehab.

Vaxamax – It is the only protein powder you don’t have to mix with anything else. Just jam a straw in there and suck it down. It’s like a Pixie Stix that tastes like meat.

Side Effects may include:

  • Vein seizures
  • Aortal collapse
  • Monkey-lung

Vaxa-Mamm – Male breast reduction cream. Apply once and go straight to the hospital. You’re gonna want to get this stuff off. It burns.

Side Effects may include:

  • Autonomous nipple syndrome
  • Genital migration
  • Brain tooth

Heal Thyself Home Surgery Kit – For when you can’t find a doctor. Comes with a scalpel, sutures, surgical gauze (scotch tape), and surgical instructions. Though the instructions actually look to be for a plasma TV. When you’re done, you get HBO.

Vaxator– The only anti-cholesterol drug recommended by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., Vaxator removes cholesterol in your arteries, as well as hair and soap scum. Order within the next 24 hours, and you’ll get a free heart defibrillator (a toilet plunger).

Side Effects may include:

  • Lactose addiction
  • X-ray hearing
  • Prolonged erections, but not where you’d hope

Vaxogenic Chambers – For long life. When you go in, make sure to bring an open box of baking soda.

Side Effects may include:

  • Lung-fire
  • Eye-curdling
  • Abdominal migration

Fulcrum – a male enhancement pill made from the strongest placebo allowed by law. Here’s how it works. Fulcrum doesn’t just direct more blood to your penis: it directs all your blood to your penis, leaving you a lifeless, shriveled husk hanging from a rigid steel beam.

Side Effects may include:

  • Urethral nodding
  • Honus Wagner’s disease
  • A rare and irreversible condition known as carcassing

Vaxa-Fice – It’s the only doctor recommended way to add new orifices to your body. Just rub it wherever you would like to give your surgeon an access hole and feel the mild tingling sensation as it burns away your flesh. Warning: Prescott Pharmaceuticals can make no guarantee which orifice you will receive. Actually, uh, there is a guarantee. It’s going to be an anus.

Side Effects may include:

  • Gopherism
  • Multi-brow
  • Tracheal meerkat colonies

Liquid Launch – It doesn’t have one of the ingredients in rocket fuel, it has every ingredient in rocket fuel. When you blast some Liquid Launch into your innerspace, you’ll be singing ‘Ground Control to Major Yum.’

Side Effects may include:

  • Involuntary Narnia adventures
  • ADHDEAD
  • Whatever happens when you drink rocket fuel

Vaxaslim Canine – It is the only canine weight-loss medication that keeps weight off, guaranteed, or else you get a free pet carcass. Warning: do not confuse Vaxaslim Canine with Vaxaslim Human. You can tell the difference because Vaxaslim Canine has a ‘C’ on the label, while Vaxaslim Human has a sideways ‘U’ for HUman. Should you accidentally take the canine version, immediately consult a mortician.

Side Effects may include:

  • Testicular myopia
  • Warlock hump
  • Scrappy Doo-ism

Why Doesn’t My Mommy Love Me Enough To Get Beautiful? – It’s the story of a young boy who was forced to watch his mommy get little lines around her eyes until his daddy leaves her for the mommy from this book.

Side Effects may include:

  • Rocky Mountain oysterism
  • Grover Norquist syndrome
  • Rectal buffalo wings

Crustaceaa-Drine – To fight seafood toxins, it acts quickly to calm your nervous system by enabling it to pick up AM radio.

Side effects may include:

  • Thoracic geysers
  • Nostril inversion
  • Inability to breathe on weekends

Vaxaloon – For Truman Show delusion. Makes you believe you’re in a different Jim Carey movie. It comes in six different strengths – Ace Ventura, The Mask, Me, Myself, Irene, and for extreme cases, The Number 23, which causes hallucinations so powerful that patients believe The Number 23 made money.

Side Effects may include:

  • Rectal frosting
  • Arby’s Mouth
  • Tennis Scrotum

Happy Splash – A pool disinfectant. 100% pure hydrochloric acid. Remember, Happy Splash could be harmful to children with skin that is sensitive to hydrochloric acid.

Side Effects may include:

  • Pituitary ferns
  • Skeletal xylophoning
  • Teriyaki Lung

Atomo Kleen – ensures that your car is as clean as your toilet seat! Simply remove it from it’s lead carrying case and hang from your rear-view mirror. It irradiates your car and microwaves your groceries and pets.

Side Effects may include:

  • Chinese fire bones
  • brain whistle
  • eyesplosions

Let’s Give Physical – a musical composition scientifically designed as a substitute for medicine if taken rectally.

Side Effects may include:

  • capillary yogurt
  • abdominal salad-shooters
  • REO Speedlung

Lifebag – To fight airborne particles and make you live longer. Just place bag on head and clinch it tight to keep out deadly molecules, like oxygen and nitrogen. The approaching white light lets you know it is working.

Side effects may include:

  • Armpit Homunculus
  • Knee Transference
  • Verizon Guy Syndrome

Cosmo-Drine – Combat the AD-36 obesity virus by shaming it with unrealistic viral body images forcing it to get thin.

Side Effects may include:

  • Siamese Nipples
  • Hair Swelling
  • Involuntary Blowhole

Vaxalox Sepository Pen – Free promotional swag from Prescott, it provides a steady follow of ink where you need, and it’s also a pen!

Side Effects may include:

  • Pucker Lung
  • Bone Sporking
  • Yellowstone National Bladder

Vaxa Lax – Since drug companies can’t hide behind the FDA, they can hide behind the devastating insanity caused by Vaxa Lax. It releases a lawsuit resistant dose of mercury and oven cleaner which targets the part of the brain responsible for not seeing spider demons.

Side effects may include:

  • Lung Quake
  • Facial Corkboarding
  • Eye-arrea

Prescott’s Water Seal – Lasers can remove sweat glands, but they can’t stop all sweating. For that, use this product and apply to pores for a water tight skin lacquer. The body is adaptable, so if you can’t release heat through your sweat glands, you’ll learn to crap fire.

Side Effects may include:

  • Bearded Thalamus
  • Transsexual Kidneys
  • Rectal Dyslexia

Build-a-Baby Workshop – For those that want custom babies, but can’t afford designer prices. Because no one should have to love just *any* baby.

Side Effects may include:

  • Flu-namis
  • Spontaneous Mertail
  • Honey Nut Areolas

Formula $3.99 – Made from all the sperm that doesn’t make Stephen’s rigid Formula 401 standards

Side effects may include:

  • Ankle Bearding
  • Precocious Kidney
  • Hungry, Hungry Hipbones

UltraVaxaMax – Why stop at five medications? The one pill that combines every medicine. Just take one a day and it comes complete with a turkey dinner.

Side Effects may include (actually, it’s quicker to say the side effects it doesn’t include):

  • Spaghetti Ovaries
  • Argyle Pattern Baldness
  • Lou Ferriganos

Disposable Endoscopes – Guaranteed to be clean, because you only use it once. And trust me, once is plenty. Also remember to use a gentle twisting motion.

Side Effects may include:

  • Scrotal Bassoon
  • Jimmy Crack Corns
  • Spontaneous Harper’s Subscription

Prescott’s Pilli-O’s – If Cheerios are going to invade drug company territory, Prescott will go after the cereal market. This breakfast treat is marketed by its lovable mascot, Tony the Doctor. One spoonful, and you’ll agree with Tony’s motto, “You’ve got grrrrowths!”

Side effects may include:

  • Opposable Spleen
  • Achy Breaky Back
  • Foghorn Leghorns

Twitch – According to a reason study, large quantities of soft drinks can cause decreased muscle strength and paralysis. Enter Prescott Pharmaceutical’s Department of Cola and Industrial Solvents, and its new product, Twitch. It’s the only cola on the market that counteracts loss of motor function by producing uncontrollable muscle spasms. We can’t tell you the secret ingredient, but it rhymes with Mystal Ceth.

Side Effects may include:

  • Vigilant Kidney
  • Pez Neck
  • Mahmoud Ahmadinejaw

Methad-O – Newsweek believes in a dangerous new medical phenomena where people can have a physiological addiction to Oprah. Enter Prescott and it’s anti-Oprah dependence treatment. It’s exactly like Methadone, but spelled differently. For less severe talk show dependencies, doctors recommend Tyra-nol.

Side Effects may include:

  • Mock Turtleneck
  • Delusions of Grandma
  • Marzipancreas

Vaxadoodle – Dogs can warn of hypoglycemic attack, so Prescott developed the very first dog surgeon. He can help solve any medical problem. Just rub your tumor with Snausages and they’ll go away:

Side Effects may include:

  • Beast Infection
  • Rosemary’s Rabies
  • Jack Russell Derriere

Prescott Sports Malt – Scientists have found that Chocolate Milk is a great sports drink. This is great news for America’s vital thirst quenching industry, which is always looking for new colors to make fluids. Now they can add brown. Prescott’s Sports Malt has everything you need: Electrolytes, potassium, and single malt scotch. And for healthy bones, there’s still plenty of milk in the form of Bailey’s Irish Creme. Now you can replenish your fluids and your courage.

Side Effects may include:

  • Femoral Jam Banding
  • Irritating Bowel Syndrome
  • Chest Pattern Baldness

VAXAMOTHERF$&%INGDRINE – Swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Therefore, each capsule contains a specially formulated swear word.

Side Effects may include:

  • Rectal Departure
  • Strangulated Narnia
  • Nine Inch Nails

Vaxy Stix – Blue M&Ms have been shown to mend spinal injuries due to the dye Brilliant Blue G. Who knew? Apparently, the folks at Prescott have always known about the healing power of candy. That’s why they are proud to introduce Vaxy Stix. They’re like Pixie Stix, but instead of flavored sugar, they’re filled with ground-up pills swept off the Prescott testing floor.

Side Effects may include:

  • Navel Decongestion
  • Joint Custody
  • Osteopierogies

Vaxbox 360 – Seventy percent of children in the United States have below average levels of Vitamin D, due to lack of exposure to sunlight. Therefore, if kids are spending more time indoors with computers, television, and viedo games, they’ll need an alternate source of Vitamin D. Prescott has provided the answer with their nutrional gaming system. Just hook it up and watch the kids get blasted with ultaviolet radiation.

Side Effects may include:

  • Gastric Thighpass
  • Male Pattern Balls
  • Radiohead

Vaxa-geist – Every woman she have to take hormones, even the dead. Prescott enters the market for the first hormone replacement therapy for lady ghosts. Why do you think they’re haunting us? They’re moody. Plus, it works for ghosts of all ages.

Side Effects may include:

  • Hairblood
  • Internal Koolaiding
  • Barry Manilobes