How to Court Ladies Like a Baboon

Getting through to the ladies can often seem more difficult than trying to get a lasso around a moving semi-truck (trust us, we know from experience). Dealing with rejection or shyness can be more than enough to discourage most men from even trying to approach a woman. It’s those times when you walk up to a woman to talk to her and your crazed social anxiety issues mute your voice and make you foam at the mouth that get you thinking: “Man, I wish I could just TALK to this person without urinating myself.” These are precisely the kinds of moments when you should look to Mother Nature for sound advice. After all, EVERY animal does it, right?

Basically, what we’re getting at here is that nothing says prowess and finesse quite like the assortment of courting rituals a wild animal has in his toolbox of lovin’. Particularly, the techniques used by, say, a male baboon could be your ticket in (…into a squad car) and you’d be a damn fool not to employ them.

1) Loud and Powerful Screaming

Your first issue when it comes to getting women is getting their attention in the first place. Of course, getting the attention of more than one woman can up your chances substantially. Best of all would be to get the attention of every man, woman and child in a hundred foot radius of yourself. To do this, simply swallow your own pride and inhibitions and let loose a chorus of wails and shrieks with your head tilted upwards at about a forty degree angle.

If you’re wondering exactly how loud your screams should be, think somewhere between sounds loud enough to put the fear of God in everyone around you, yet not so loud as to urge people to pull their phones from their pockets and dial 911. At the very least, you’ll turn some heads. Mission accomplished!

2) Offer Her a Good Grooming Session

Nothing gets a lady going quite like the prospect of being groomed by a total stranger (seriously, that’s precisely what salons are for). If you’re looking to score, then you have to ensure yourself of ONE THING; that you’re that stranger.

Offer her a free head-lice removal (she’ll totally appreciate it) or a full body massage/scavenger hunt (free food for you!). If ANY woman turns a deal like that down, then she clearly doesn’t want the lovin’ of a true gentleman.

3) Offer to Watch Her Kids

Ever wondered why those single moms are always so stressed out? Well, most people would think it has a lot to do with their kids constantly clawing at their clothes and begging for pretty much anything containing a minimum of two metric tons of sugar.

That’s precisely where you come in! Walk right up to these hot mothers and offer to watch their kids for a couple of hours. They’ll be ecstatic! Absolutely nothing seems safer than a total stranger waltzing on up to them and offering to take care of their kids while they take a little break. However, if you notice her arms wrap around her kids and a phone get withdrawn from her pocket, you might want to make a hasty retreat to the nearest tree-top.

4) Air hump

Baboons hump car door

Dancing can be a great way to show women your mad kinesthetic skills, but there’s not always music for you to flail about to wherever you go. When you catch a lady’s eye, the last thing you want her to do is turn away unsatisfied. So, in the absence of music, you can bust out some impressive air humps to keep her entertained. Not only does this keep a woman’s attention, it should also effectively prove that you fully understand the humping process, which is, of course, paramount to all ladies.

5) Genitalia Flashing

Babboon Penis

Yep, we went there.

This option is extremely effective under the right circumstances and should honestly be your “go-to” tactic when all else seems to have failed. The best way to do this is to make it as subtle as can be; pick out a cute girl at your local library or mall. Follow her around for a bit until she’s pretty much alone. Make unflinching eye contact with her. Then, finally, drop and pull up your pants in rapid succession. Don’t lose eye contact and leave a few seconds in between each flash. Think of a sequence not unlike that of SOS in Morse code if you’re wondering how fast this should be done. If she starts to call for help or you see officers rushing towards you, calmly turn around and walk away (“briskly sprint” would probably be more accurate here). She’s just not that into you.