The Dangers of the Anonymous Douche Package

package delivery 297x300I remember it like it was last week… actually it was last week but dramatic effect is always nice. One long, long week ago it was Monday, and we had received a package. Since we don’t normally receive packages the first thing I did was say “we got a package!” The second thing I did was cover the gift from the Greek USPS gods in colorful gift wrap and then ripped it open. Then, just like a birthday gift from a grandparent, what lied in that package was pure disappointment, shock and awe (the bad kind of awe).

Because this package contained

  • Black shade glasses
  • Men’s cologne from France (made in China)
  • Flashy Jesus Necklaces
  • Overly graphic Ed Hardy outfits
  • And breath mints

The first thing I said after seeing this was “What the fudge?!?! Ugh… another box of letdowns going to the dumps.” But I did keep the breath mints, little did I know that I would very soon regret that decision.

On Tuesday I woke up hammered with a penis drawn on a dinosaur drawn on my face. I then looked in my imaginary four legged mirror (because im classy) and to my horror I saw that I was dressed in d-bag gear from hips to toe. I still have no idea what happened to my shirt. So since I’m not an idiot (or do a good job at tricking people into believing I’m a genius), I pulled a Judy Moody and began to investigate. I looked in my dresser, searched my windows, sent finger prints to our DNA analysis lab, and even checked the photos in my cell phone

Photos

I thought all hope was lost until I noticed the case of mints I kept. I looked thoroughly and found the silver, gold, sapphire, and diamond spray painted warning label which said:

 

 WARNING

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I then read it with a magnifying glass:

 WARNING

These mints have been linked to sudden black outs and high party syndrome. Other side effects include nausea, better bodies, headaches, bigger egos, camel toe, big toe, toe, flavored finger nails, back pains, higher tolerance for alcohol, higher tolerance for everything, immunity to rat poison, party fever, and bad breath. EAT AT OWN RISK.

Once I realized that these mints were the cause of my douche symptoms I hastily reacted. Ok so I didn’t stop eating the mints because well… they tasted delicious. So for the rest of the week I just woke up with something new every day:

  • On Tuesday there was a heard of goats in my living room, I asked them what they were doing here but before they answered my question, somebody shouted “O SHIT POLICE, GET THE STUFF” and they left.
  • On Wednesday I found a grenade under my pillow and a French military soldier in my bed.
  • On Thursday I ate oatmeal, very strange, I hate oatmeal.
  • On Friday I got a call from the witness protection program which said I could finally come out of hiding, I told them I was never in hiding, and they said “hahaha sure you weren’t”.
  • Finally on Saturday I watched a “What I like About You” marathon. God, Amanda Bynes  is craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy!

So 7 days and 70 regrets later, we come to today. With no more mints left, I still wonder where they came from. Ha, I’m just kidding, they came from Nigeria. We do have some bad blood with them…