Fantasy Football Jesus – Week 2 Recap
On the eighth day God created fantasy football… and with the first overall pick selected a tall, wiry signal caller from the Nazareth by the name of Jesus.
Welcome to Fantasy Football Jesus. The only fantasy football column that’s 100% Jesus approved. Here at FFJ, we wrap the week that was in fantasy football through the eyes of our Lord and Savior. Who was awe-inspiring? Who was awful? Who came through in the clutch? Who fell flat on their face? We will leave no stone unturned and pull no punches. Jesus shall forgive, but Jesus never forgets.
Now that we’ve dispensed with the pleasantries, let’s get this party started right — with a musical interlude. Many a fantasy team owner is rejoicing the 38 points scored by the Indianapolis Colts: Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, Austin Collie, Joseph Addai, Donald Brown, the defense/special teams. Hallelujah!
In lieu of a choir of angels, here is Indiana’s own John Mellencamp singing the appropriately titled “Check it Out.”
Bless the Colts for their bountiful point production. Now is the time when we praise those who were glorious…
Week 2 Apostles
Matt Schaub (38/52, 497 yards, 3 TDs, 1 INT) – True story. While playing horseshoes with John the Baptist last Wednesday, FFJ bore witness to a fearless prognostication. As he tossed a shoe high into the air, the prophet uttered the following: “I think Matt Schaub is good for 500 yards this week.” FFJ replied, “You’re insane, preacher man.” Schaub ended up three yards shy with 497. The moral here is never go against JTB. He’s legendary.
Jahvid Best (17 carries 78 yards, 2 TDs, 9 catches 154 yards, 1 TD) – The Lions have reached the promised land six times in two games. Five of those trips have been made by rookie running back Jahvid Best. From here on out, FFJ has dubbed Best, The Prodigal Child. As it was written so shall it be done.
The Steelers defense/ST (4 sacks, 3 INT, 4 FR, 1 return TD, 11 pts allowed) – Pittsburgh’s new and improved steel curtain is tougher to penetrate than a Roman wedge formation. They have bruised and battered both the Falcons and Titans, and seem determined to carve a swath through all those foolish enough to stand in their way. FFJ concludes they have a super look about them.
Now is the time when we abase those who were garbage…
Week 2 Heathens
Brett Favre (22-36, 225 yards, 0 TDs, 3 INTs, 1 lost fumble) – The graybeard Favre is accustomed to working miracles, so FFJ isn’t quite ready to write him off yet. That being said, with his top two receivers nursing and/or recovering from hip injuries, it might be time to size #4 for a Jazzy Chair. It’s apparent Favre doesn’t trust his pass catching options. Once trust is lost, all is lost. Luke said that, or was it Yoda?
Chris Johnson (16 carries 34 yards, 0 TDs, 5 catches 19 yards, 0TDs) – Coach’s Dream was hurled from the mountain top by the mighty, mighty black and gold. As he begins the long climb back up, Johnson can take solace in knowing that those who are humbled in the presence of FFJ shall be exalted. A Giants defense ranked 24th against the run lies in wait.
Greg Jennings (3 catches for 36 yards, 0 TDs) – Having been a not-so proud owner of Mr. Jennings in 2009, FFJ is well aware of his frequent disappearing acts. It’s a product of Aaron Rodgers having so many wonderful toys to play with each and every week. Be warned: Gregory has a tendency to come up small when you need him most.
Now is the time when we hand out random acknowledgements…
Given to the tight end who best exemplifies toughness and grace under pressure.
Dustin Keller (7 catches 115 yards, 1 TD) – Keller suffered a double indignity last Monday night versus the Ravens. First, he was on the receiving end of a Ray Lewis decleation, then stepped out of bounds a yard short of the marker on 4th and 10 to end the game. Embarrassing, to say the least. Keller repented for his sins by smoking the rival Patriots porous secondary. That’s Wycheck material.
The Matt Leinart Award for QB Ineptitude
Vince Young (7-10, 66 yards, 2 INTs, 1 fumble lost, one benching) – In his defense, Young was playing the Steelers. And Chris Johnson was shut down. And James Harrison is a mythical beast. And the sun was really bright and really hot. And… oh, who are we kidding? VY is an abomination. If he can’t keep Kerry Collins on the pine, he deserves to be nailed to a… FFJ apologizes for thinking such evil thoughts. Vince Young still sucks, though.
Honorable mention (Matt Moore, Jason Campbell, Eli Manning, Trent Edwards, Derek Anderson, Joe Flacco, Dennis Dixon and Matt Cassel) – These so-called professional quarterbacks belong inside a clown car.
Lazarus of the Week
Darren McFadden – Who the @#$% resurrected this stiff? It sure wasn’t FFJ. In fact, FFJ sermoned to steer clear of this one-man leper colony on draft day. In two games, Run DMc has amassed 303 total yards, one touchdown, zero fumbles and no injuries. We’re still waiting for the proverbial epic face-plant from McFadden, which should come any week now.
Cast the First Stone
Michael Vick (21-34, 284 yards, 2 TDs, 0 INT, 7 rushes for 37 yards) – Michael Vick has had his problems in recent years. Ya know, that whole dog fighting ring and prison sentence fiasco. But FFJ is all about forgiveness. Especially when the guy drops 25 fantasy points. So, hate Vick if you must. Just remember while cheating on your spouse and/or masturbating to nude 16-year-olds that you’re a sinner too.
Wonder of the Week
Mark Sanchez (21-30, 220 yards, 3 TDs, 0 INT) – Maybe the male model has finally turned the corner. Maybe he’s poised to become the next great quarterback. Maybe he’s a viable fantasy starter. FFJ isn’t buying it. The Patriots secondary is horrendous. A trip to Miami next Sunday night to face the 2-0 Dolphins will be very telling for Sanchez.
Keeping Tabs on FFJ’s Teams
FFJ is the proud owner of two fake teams. Let’s see how they’re doing.
Big Ben’s House of Sin (1-1) – Curse you Pierre Garcon. Typical of a Frenchman, Garcon caught Peyton Manning’s first pass of the game then promptly surrendered. Fils de salope! A touchdown would have moved the House of Sin to 2-0, but it wasn’t meant to be. Chris Johnson won’t be held under 40 yards again, so we’ll continue to keep the faith.
Pagan Idolatry (1-1) – After plucking Mark Clayton off the waiver wire, the Pagans inserted him into their starting lineup at the last minute. His 14.4 points would be the difference, and took the pressure off Marques Colston from needing to blow up on Monday night, which he didn’t. A victory dinner of baby human hearts awaits.
Week 3 Lineup Advice From the Burning Bush
Start: QB Kevin Kolb @ JAX – On the road, coming off a concussion, with most of the fanbase crying for Vick to remain the starter? The bush must be sampling some extremely potent herbs. Not so fast. The Jags are ranked 29th (300 ypg) versus the pass and have allowed four touchdowns. Kolb needs to play well in order to calm the QB controversy storm. The bush predicts 240 yards and a pair of scores.
Start: RB Knowshon Moreno vs IND – The Colts cannot stop the run. Arian Foster destroyed them and Ahmad Bradshaw went for 89 yards in a lopsided loss. Moreno is averaging only 2.8 ypc, but he has found the end zone twice. You’ll be bowing to the bush when he drops 100 and a touch.
Sit: Steve Smith (Car) vs CIN – Jimmy Clausen will get the start for the Cats on Sunday. The bush thinks the kid has a bright future, but the Bengals corners are tenacious. Unless you have no other options, stay away from Smitty in what could be an ugly turnover fest.
That does it for week two of the 2010 fantasy football campaign. FFJ will leave you with these parting words of wisdom:
A man’s fantasy team brings him low, but a man of lowly spirit gains honor.