Five Athletes Not to Take Valentine’s Day Advice From

Valentine’s Day…the bane of men everywhere. We don’t like to show emotion, with the “I love you”s, the hearts, the chocolate…it’s really a lot of effort. Thankfully, I’m single, so I have nothing to worry about here. But if you’re not single, and you feel the need to be a good husband or boyfriend, here are five athletes who should not absolutely not look up to if you’re looking for some good vibes this Valentine’s Day.


Michael Vick
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Not the dogs...NOT THE DOGS!!!

Women love animals.

Cute little puppies or kittens in real or stuffed form are nice Valentine’s Day gifts for that special lady.

Michael Vick *hates* animals.

That’s what the evidence shows. There aren’t too many folks in possession of rape stands considered as animal lovers… fair or not, that’s the reality of our society today.

VickĀ  participated in dog fights. He abused the animals. He maimed them. He arranged for other animals to abuse them. He put ’em down when they didn’t perform, and then he buried them in his backyard.

Vick was, in no uncertain terms, a total asshole when it came to his relationship with animals.It’s hard to define any of that as a “Hallmark moment.”

I don’t think your lady friend would be very happy if your big gift to her this Valentine’s Day was a dog that you electrocuted yourself. If you’re rescuing a dog from your local humane society though, that might be a better option. But don’t do it yourself…that would be really bad.

Really, really bad.


Elijah Dukes
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Elijah Dukes...very underrated on the asshole chart of life

Elijah Dukes is a guy who many sports fans might not know. He’s got a decent bit of talent, but he’s also got a knack for being a huge asshole towards people… especially women.

In his life, Dukes has been arrested for battery three times and assault once. He has five children with four women. His Valentine’s calendar is already overflowing.

And then on May 27, 2007, one of the most horrible sports stories of the year broke. Dukes sent his wife a picture of a gun, and sent her the following voicemail..

“Hey, dawg. It’s on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain’t even bullshitting. Your kids too, dawg. It don’t even matter to me who is in the car with you. Nigger, all I know is, nigger, when I see your motherfucking ass riding, dawg, it’s on. As a matter of fact, I’m coming to your motherfucking house.”

You stay classy, Elijah.

The next month, he was accused of impregnating a 17-year-old girl. When the girl told Dukes about this, he threw a bottle of Gatorade at her.

To summarize: Elijah Dukes does really stupid things, and you really shouldn’t emulate him in your life. Especially if you want to have a successful, healthy relationship with a woman.


Lawrence Taylor
lawrence taylor

Just because you're a legend on the field...

Lawrence Taylor is an NFL legend. He’s a two-time Super Bowl champion, a former MVP, and the three-time defensive player of the year.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t as good of a person as he was a football player.

Taylor tested positive for cocaine during his playing career twice, and also had to be picked up from a crack house as a player.

After his playing career though, Taylor cleaned up his life and everything appeared to be on the up and up. Until, of course, May of 2010 when he was accused of raping a 16-year-old prostitute. Last month, he plead guilty to reduced charges, and will serve six years of probation and has to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life.

It was a hard fall for a former NFL legend. Remember the lesson LT taught you, gentlemen: if you’re lonely this Valentine’s Day and feel the need to be with a woman, for the love of god, make sure your hooker is of legal age.

Or try to steer clear of illegal sex all together.


Tiger Woods
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Sorry for being obvious

You knew this was coming.

Woods is a golf icon, one of the best ever. He’s also a recovering sex addict. There’s nothing wrong with that, unless of course, you’re married and your wife isn’t the only object of your affections.

A story broke in November about Woods having an affair with a New Yorker named Rachel Uchitel. Two days later, he got into a car accident at two in the morning near his home in Florida. Then, a woman named Jaimee Grubbs said Woods was having an affair with her as well. Grubbs provided voicemails and text messages confirming the accusation.

More and more women came out of the woodwork, saying Woods was screwing around with them as well. He went to sex therapy for two months, and took a four-month break from golf. His wife, Elin, went back to Sweden. Woods eventually admitted to having affairs with no less than 120 women while married, including his 21-year-old neighbor.

The couple got divorced last August. For the love of god men, don’t cheat on your wife or girlfriend. Especially not with 120 different women. That’s really not cool.


Ben Roethlisberger
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Living the life...

I admit it, I’m biased. As a Ravens fan, I despise Ben Roethlisberger. Not only do I hate him for his ability to beat the Ravens on the field, I hate him because he’s a scumbag off of it.

Every two years, something happens that makes him look like one of the biggest dumbasses on the planet.

In June 2006, he got into a motorcycle accident and nearly killed himself. He was riding without a helmet, and broke his jaw. A lawsuit filed in 2009 accused Roethlisberger of raping a woman in June of 2008 in Lake Tahoe. The suit is mired in controversy because of statements by the accuser’s coworkers that she was bragging about the encounter (a problem we all have… right fellas?).

Regardless, his reputation took another hit in March of 2010 when a girl in Milledgeville, Georgia accused Roethlisberger of raping her in a bathroom in a bar. Roethlisberger’s bodyguards apparently prevented the girl’s friends from stopping the assault. No charges were filed amid accusations of corruption in the local police force, as the first responding officer resigned a month after the incident.

For the love of god men, if you’re going to a bar to celebrate singlehood this weekend, don’t rape a woman in a bathroom. It’s really not cool.