Five Creative Ways to Quit Your Job
Today is International Quit Your Job Day, so if you’ve been thinking about quitting, today is an excellent day to pull the trigger. We’re guessing about 3-5 members of the Trump administration will take this opportunity to be the latest rats to jump from the sinking ship.
Almost everyone has quit a job at one time or another. But how many people have quit a job in a truly original, memorable way? After all, by the time you are ready to quit some jobs, you are also likely to be emotionally charged to quit in a way that you and your soon-to-be former employer will look back on fondly for years to come. Well, you will be able to look back fondly even if your former employer doesn’t have the requisite sense of humor to do so. This is not the kind of thing you can indulge in too regularly, so do it properly when the opportunity arises. You may find the five methods outlined below helpful.
5) Dress for the Job You Don’t Want.
Most jobs have some kind of guidelines for what you should wear to work, if not an outright dress code. Therefore, this method starts off with dressing in an inappropriate way for your required duties. For example, if you are a construction worker, show up in a 3-piece suit. In the event that you are not let go on the spot, be meticulously careful not to wrinkle, tear, or otherwise damage your suit. Work very slowly (this should be easy under the conditions). When your supervisor finally orders you to either remove your coat and vest or go home and change, say that you can’t work for an employer who doesn’t respect your freedom of expression.
4) Claim You Have Finished Your Duties.
Go into your supervisor’s office, preferably late in the work week, and tell him that there is no possibility that your services will ever again be needed by him or anyone else. Give him an explanation of why this state of affairs exists. For example, if you are a cake decorator, claim that you are absolutely positive that any day now people will realize that making refined carbohydrates and saturated fats “look pretty” is a pointless exercise and a waste of time, effort, and money. Insist that customers will certainly begin merely taking the major ingredients intravenously. Shaking your head slowly and sadly, leave the room.
3) “My Talents are Wasted Here.”
Execute your duties to the point of overkill. For example, suppose you are an office worker and your boss tells you to post a memo where all personnel will be able to see it. Scan the document and print out 85 copies of it in a 200 point, bold, sans serif typeface. Place the copies every few feet around the office with a nail gun. Put a few on the ceiling, the mirrors in the restrooms, and the furniture in the break room for good measure. Yell “This job has no further challenges for me,” so loudly that everyone can hear it. Walk out.
2) Show Them That You Can’t Handle It.
Work diligently and do a jam-up, virtually perfect job. Be very careful to arrive early and work late when asked. Smile constantly and never complain. Help your coworkers without being asked. Continue this until one of your superiors compliments you on how well you are doing (This may be a challenge in some positions, as a persistent lack of recognition could be a major reason you want to leave. Persevere nonetheless). Upon being complimented, become very upset and say “I can’t cope with this constant criticism.” If you have to punch in and out at your workplace, then go punch out. Kiss the time clock afterwards and walk away sobbing.
1) I’m Too Big a Fish for This Pond.
When you have decided that you want to leave, make no excessive efforts to perform above, or even at, expectations. Criticize your coworkers and offer them ridiculous, unrealistic advice. Work just hard enough so that you don’t get fired before you can quit. After a few weeks of this, go into the general manager’s office and demand to be promoted to upper management, preferably CEO. When she refuses your request, storm out. While still within earshot, turn around and yell “This company is fired.” In the event that they actually do promote you to upper management, see methods 2 to 5 above.