Five Inherently Boring Sports Movies that Don’t Exist but Should


Moneyball is new movie that is set to open in theaters on September 23, 2011. Here’s IMDB’s description of the movie:

“The story of Oakland A’s general manager Billy Beane’s successful attempt to put together a baseball club on a budget by employing computer-generated analysis to draft his players.”

That sounds extremely boring! Yet, sports and movie fans all over the nation will run to see it (me included).

What exactly will the climax of the movie be? The A’s never won anything. Billy Beane keeps his job? Scott Hatteberg has a hit streak? The A’s trade Mulder and Hudson? The A’s don’t win a championship. Isn’t that why Miracle is so great? It has a real emotional climax. A true moment of triumph. This raises the question, “What are some other movies that could be made about sports that seem incredibly boring on paper, but would still make for a good movie?”


Houston Astros 2005 World Series Run

That team was full of aging superstars and the organization risked everything to try and win that year. This movie could be spliced throughout with clips from the 2011 season. Watch the Astros go to the World Series all while gutting and stripping the team of future value. It could be done Memento style where they meet in the middle and the big event reveals how all things went wrong is when Tim Purpura was hired as GM. Or perhaps its really just a journey through Brad Lidge’s psyche. Would the Albert Pujols bomb that almost ruined his career be the climax?

Pujols Lidge Home run e1313680945614 560x309



Bode Miller’s Quest for Five Gold Medals at the 2006 Olympics

Bode Miller was as hot as ever coming off of his great performances at the 2005 World Championships. Then he made news by saying that he liked to ski wasted and that in Turin he was going to get to party at an “olympic level.” Who doesn’t want to watch as a guy on shrooms, ecstasy, cocaine and drunk skis downhill at fatal speeds and then…loses, gets disqualified, doesn’t finish. I’d watch the shit out of that movie.


Kerri Strug and the Magnificent 7 at the 1996 Olympics

Nothing like a good gold medal story. Only, this olympics is remembered as the one in which Strug heroically performed a sensational vault on a severely injured ankle. However, the vault didn’t matter. The Russian gymnast did such a poor routine on the floor that Dominique Moceanu’s vault score would have been enough to qualify. All that build up, but for nothing. I’m also envisioning Alison Brie playing Dominique Moceanu, and everybody wins when she’s on screen.


Ryan Leaf after Retiring from Football

If you’re a football fan you’re probably well aware of Ryan Leaf’s football career. He’s been referred to as one of the biggest busts of all time, getting drafted second overall in 1998 draft just behind Peyton Manning. However, what you may not know is that Ryan Leaf was a volunteer coach at the small Amarillo college West Texas A&M University. It was there that he developed some sort of addiction to pain killers. He resigned from the university after he was busted for trying to get pills from a student. He then was “rehabbing” in Canada and was indicted for burglary and drug charges in Texas. He was arrested by customs agents and brought back to Texas and was convicted. He also had surgery to remove a tumor from his brain stem. He’s slated to write three autobiographical books so this movie might actually take place! 560x420


The Bruce Feldman Story

This one is relevant because of a lot of recent developments in the media and the sports world. Bruce Feldman is a journalist and writer. This is not an uncommon job and many situations like his aren’t interesting, but he’s written two books that are particularly interesting and have caused some controversy. The most recent book is one he helped former Texas Tech Red Raiders football coach Mike Leach write, Swing You Sword. In this book Leach talks about Craig James and ESPN and how he was unjustly fired. This landed a suspension from ESPN and it still hasn’t been fully explained. I bet he has some crazy stories after hanging that long with Leach. I bet he also has crazy stories from when he covered the Miami Hurricanes’s championship season in 2004-05. He wrote a book called Cane Mutiny in which he talks all about the Hurricanes season. He had a lot of access, I’m sure he was plenty aware of who Nevin Shapiro was and all the benefits he was lavishing on players. Bruce Feldman has some tales, man.

Shapiro and Kellen Winslow