Five Things Men Love and Why
Men. Ah, the king of the castle. Men. Masculine, hairy, sweaty, ball-scratching, methane machines. We’re pretty great, if you ask our opinion. And we like certain things, almost universally. Sure, there are some differences, there are actually men who admit to being Dallas Cowboy fans. You can’t account for taste.
Regardless of being a fan of an awful team that deserves scorn for everything they do, there are other things we nearly universally enjoy to varying degrees.
Beer is the elixir of life. The nectar of the gods. And we love it. Why do we love it? Because it’s beer. Alcohol in it’s most carbonated, frothy glory. We tend to drink for any occasion we can imagine too.
Drinking to forget. Drinking to remember, Drinking to celebrate. Drinking to commiserate. Drinking in memoriam. Drinking in honor of. Drinking to be social. Drinking to avoid being social. Drinking so we can gain courage. Drinking so we can calm down. Drinking to relax. Drinking because it’s Tuesday morning.
We love women. We especially love women we can never and will never have. The reason we love unattainable women is because we never have to be disappointed at the reality of a three-way involving Kate Upton and Bea Arthur.
The women we actually live with, however, are pretty great too. We get to see boobs at least twice a week. They keep us from becoming 50-year-old frat boys. And we get to see boobs at least twice a week.
Cars, trucks, pretty much anything with four wheels and horsepower. Why do we love cars? Because they’re beautiful. They’re powerful. We can get inside them and drive them insane.
Come to think of it, this is the same reason we love women.
Let’s face it. Most men aren’t cut out to be athletes. Unless you consider pounding 12 Miller Lites inside of three hours to be an Olympic event. And we do. But we love professional sports because as soon as we grasp the concept of the game, we become the best coaches never to take the field.
It was obvious to us that last play wasn’t going to work, after it didn’t work, why didn’t that guy who’s making millions each season realize it too? Fire the bum.
Besides, we can live vicariously through our sports heroes on television. In our primes, back in high school, we would have scored four touchdowns in a single game for Polk High.
Much like the apex predators in nature, we men are the kings of our own personal jungles. And much like those apex predators, we need to rest up and conserve our energy for hunting later on.
Granted, we’re not chasing down an Antelope running at 25 miles per hour through the Sahara, but it’s not like those hot dogs are going to grill themselves.
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