Five Reasons for War and Why They Are Stupid

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War mongers (cough, Republicans) love to extol the virtues of war. Who does not love a good fight now and then? However, after meticulous Gunaxin research, most arguments supporting war are found to be painfully one-sided and totally retarded. While we honor those who have fallen under the flag of the United States on this Memorial Day, we can’t help but question why their lives were put at risk in the first place…

5) War Delivers Justice

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Think back into our past. Remember World War II, World War I, First Gulf War and the Korean War where the aggressors were put into place? That was awesome, right? The victims compensated, the aggressors punished and everybody was happy.


Most times, the outcome of a war is not ruled in favor of the persecuted. Sometimes, it is not even dictated by who has better weapons, but by dumb luck or sheer happenstance.

In the battle of Tsushima, Japan won solely because the Russians were dumb enough to fuck up a covert mission by sailing into Japanese waters with their lights blaring and also mistaking Japanese ships for Russian ships when Japan confronted them.

Similarly, the Spanish conquest of Aztec Empire only happened because the Aztec emperor stupidly thought the Spanish leader, Hernan Cortez, was a god. The emperor even kissed his hand and invited him over for a slumber party.

In the Spanish-American war, American forces captured the island of Guam because the people there did not know a war was going on. When the Americans fired upon Guam, the troops there thought they were being saluted at and sent a messenger to apologize for not being able to return the salute, owing to the fact that the entire island had no gunpowder. The island was swiftly captured and the Spanish, owned beyond measure.

War is too unpredictable. Lands can be won and lost because of a cough or a snigger. It’s a dirt poor instrument for delivering justice. You might as well flip a coin, at least that’s fifty-fifty.

4) War Settles Disputes

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Fighting is not all bad, right? It puts an end to disputes and arguments and shit. After all, we do need to stand up to bullies once in a while. If Chamberlain had gone to war with Germany sooner, then WWII would not have been such a whirlwind of a fuckfest, right?


Nope. War hardly settles anything. Every major war in the last few years was the result of some previous or pre-existing conflict. War actually brings about more war.

World War II was almost a direct result of World War I. Germany got pissed off at all the bullshit they got for stirring up WWI and sought to take back all the lands of their neighbors that were of course, rightfully theirs. They needed their living space after all.

The Korean War was a result of the Cold War, which itself wasn’t an actual war, but was the result of the clash of ideologies and WWII. Likewise, the Second Gulf War was a result of the First and the Afghanistan War was a result of 9/11 which itself was a result of American involvement during, guess what, the Cold War.

Wars never solved any problems. They just add more dicks to the clusterfuck.

3) War Brings Out the Best

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War heroes, purple hearts and stuff. Those decorated veterans went on to accomplish great things after the war. Where would they be without war? Right? And not to forget the resistance and the thousands of civilians who did awesome shit during wars. Remember Oskar Schindler? That man was fly.

Extreme situations in war put us to the test and bring out the very best in humanity. It is only in the perilous battlefield that man of valor truly shine. That just has to be right, right?


Wrong. War actually brings out the worst in us. Extreme situations put us to the test and sadly, most of us fared miserably (or got caught cheating). People will do anything to survive. They sell out their families, their friends, their entire countries and their baseball card collection. War no doubt brings out heroes, but it also uncovers many more of the cowards and traitors

For every Oskar Schindler, there were thousands more who stood by and did nothing. How many Germans can you name that actually helped the Jews? 10 ? 20? A million? Well let us name you those that didn’t help. They are 80 million strong, start with Austerlitz and end with Zimmerman.

The whole world also did nothing. News of the persecution of Jews reached far and wide. Everybody knew, but nobody did anything because screw them, their suffering does not concern us.

Individual acts of treachery are also heinous beyond words. Vidkun Quisling of Norway sold out his entire country to the Germans and thousands of Chinese “hanjians” (race traitors) collaborated extensively with the Japanese. They betrayed their friends, comrades and sometimes even family. Those were treacherous times and humanity was practically prostrating. We sunk so low that even Heinrich Himmler, demented head of the SS, tried to betray Germany when he found out they were losing.

2) War Advances Technology

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War brought many innovations into our land. All the dead and the maimed gave medical staff so much to experiment on and medical advances were unparalleled during war. Nuclear research surged rapidly during WWII and synthetic rubber and the jerrycan were all amazing by-products of war. War just has to be awesome, right?


Technology actually advanced very little during war. Money and time were wasted on advancing military technology and a lot of things credited to war actually did not come from war.

The jerrycan -which all smug people think was invented during WWII- was actually invented by the Germans way before the war broke out. Besides that, every country also had its own version of the jerrycan. The Allied Forces merely nicked the German’s design during WWII

Nuclear research began before the war and practical civilian applications for it only started forming after the war.

All the country’s most amazing minds were put on stupid war projects and scientific progress which did not involve killing people slowed to a crawl. A total of 20 billion dollars were spent on the Manhattan Project. And that was 1940s money, which is like infinity billion today. We know that it stopped the war, but the war should not happen in the first place. The money and scientists could have been put to much better use, such as curing AIDS or cancer or just given to Africa.

1) A Country is More United

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Against a common enemy, a once divide country now stands together in unison. No more me versus you, it is now us versus them! No more quarreling in parliament, there would be no more parliaments! The country is one! That shit is awesome, right?


Unfortunately, with a country so united, the people are easily riled up and thus make stupid collective decisions. Take an angry mob for example. They are united, sure, but their motivations are extremely stupid, such as someone’s daughter dating a black guy, schools trying to pass off evolution as science (seriously, that’s just preposterous) and etc etc.

When emotions are running high, especially in a situation where everybody’s lives are in jeopardy together, some really bad shit tends to happen.

French general Philipe Petain was elected President during WWII. Because of no doubt blind jingoism and French stupidity, people suddenly became oblivious to his womanizing ways and responsibility for France’s sad state of weaponry after WWI. They elected him purely because he was the oldest soldier around and his military contributions some twenty years ago.

Charles de Gaulle famously said, “Marshal Pétain was a great man; he died in 1925.” True to that, Philipe Petain surrendered almost immediately with massive concessions and collaborated extensively with the Axis powers. French people were flabbergasted. Sacre bleu! This old dude just sold everybody out!

At the end of the war, the French people were so pissed with him that he was tried for treason and sentenced to hang. It eventually got commuted to life imprisonment.

Another example is George W. Bush, who would never have had a second term if not for 9/11. He was a mediocre president who took two to three days off a week and once took a month-long vacation just because he could. No president has ever taken that much leave and Georgie seemed as though he just did not give a shit about his country. Before 9/11, his approval ratings were a paltry 50 percent. In contrast, Bill Clinton’s approval ratings were 66, during his impeachment. But after 9/11, Bush’s approval rate shot up to ninety percent following his “war on terror” speech. The whole country just lapped up all his bullshit and America had the unbeatable privilege of another torturous four years.