Five Trick-or-Treat Items to Guarantee No One Ever Comes Back


“Hi! We’re here to annoy the shit out of you.”

It happens every year. Your door gets besieged with requests from kids wanting candy. You can either leave a bowl of something on the porch in a foolishly hopeful attempt to get some peace, or you just bite the bullet and accept that whether you dish out candy or not, your doorbell is going to be insane all night long.

Or maybe not. Maybe it’s possible to actually do it, to cater to trick-or-treaters and do it so badly no one ever comes back. For years. Give such shitty gifts that all children will avoid your door like the plague until the end of days. And we’re not talking Xanax (no good gifts) or razor blades or anything else that would land you in jail. We’re talking stuff any parent would approve of, but a kid from ages three to 13 would hate. Our goal is something a bit like this…



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You can save their teeth and watch their hearts break all at once.

Parents would love seeing this. After all, it’s the perfect contrast to the insane amount of candy their kids will be consuming for the next two days. But no kid wants to get a toothbrush on Halloween. It’s the ultimate fuck you to a child, right up there with museums on their birthday and hearing Ann Coulter speak.

Pamphlets on Abstinence

Reading this was the worst part of writing this article.

For the older kiddos. Smirk and tell them to come back if they have any questions. They never will.

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No. 2 Pencils: shaming children since Halloween 2012.

Don’t even get something fun on it like a dinosaur. Go for advertising a plumbing agency or a confidence self-help group. Parents won’t be offended but the kids will be ashamed. And that’s really all any of us want.

Nickelback Mp3s of the Single “Photograph”

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If they’re old enough to use a computer (or old enough to be getting the abstinence pamphlet) then throw in a Nickelback Mp3. Make sure you tell them what it is and promise that’s all you’ll give out next year.

Temporary Tattoos of Macaulay Culkin

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Anything featuring the teen heartthrob might be too good. Shit, they might actually like this one. How is that face not beautiful?