Four Sex Advice Books for the Hopelessly Lost

According to Undercover Sex Symbols: A Pickup Guide for Guys, sex is literally all around you but you are too stupid to realize it. Just look at this example from the publisher’s description:

You're in a crowded bar, and the hottie across the room breaks eye contact to put on lipstick. Do you assume she's:
a. Vain
b. Rude
c. Totally into you
If you've answered with anything other than c, you're dead wrong. Women are always giving off signals, and men are always missing them.

Now if our reading comprehension is up to par, what’s being suggested here is that women only ever stop looking at men to put on lipstick if they’re hunting for penis. And no, this book wasn’t written by a rapist or workshopped by a group of sex offender monkeys locked in a room with typewriters. Author Leil Lowndes is a law-abiding woman, and she’s goddamned insane.

Lowndes takes the Cosmo approach to body language, which is about as effective as taking the Cosmo approach to nuclear physics or quantum mechanics. In a male fantasy world where every woman is a sex bot operating on the same AI, Lowndes’ advice is one-hundred percent valid. But here’s the thing: somewhere on planet Earth there may be a woman putting on lipstick simply because she wants to. Shocking, yes, but sometimes two people can be completely different even though their sex organs are the same. Likewise, a woman stroking a piece of jewelry isn't the siren call of a hand-job, two girls whispering to each other and pointing at you isn't the lead-in to a threesome, and maybe Leil Lowndes really is a convict in a very convincing lady costume.

"Tee-hee! My crossed legs indicate that I want to tickle your prostate!"

The tips that don’t paint an entire gender with one sweeping brush stroke are those that ninety-five percent of males allegedly miss. Things like a woman stroking your chest. The book actually uses an image of multiple women doing this to illustrate its point, which leads us to wonder just who the hell this was written for in the first place. It couldn’t be the blind, because if Ray Charles was leading by example, then every blind person is too busy fathering children and ruining marriages when not playing their pianos and recording American Top-40 hits to miss overt sexual cues.

For the craftsman who has everything except a legitimate reason to be at his local Home Depot comes Make Your Own Sex Toys: 50 Quick and Easy Do-It-Yourself Projects. Gone are the days of having to shamefully peruse the shelves of Spencer’s Gifts. Now the modern sex enthusiast can stay in the privacy of their own garage and spend hours gently lathing lumber into the shape of a phallus, just like God intended.

While it’s true that the market for DIY double-ended dildos is tragically underdeveloped, the bulk of the toys presented by master tinkerer Matt Pagett can be broken down to inanimate objects that have holes in them or can have holes drilled into them with minimal effort. For example, Pagett suggests that sticking your penis in a bar of soap is a unique way to pleasure yourself and not at all a portal to new dimensions of shame and regret.

For folks looking for a more intimate experience, punch a hole into a melon and microwave it for thirty seconds. No, really, that’s in this book. Matt Pagett sat around his sex workshop, thrusting his junk into various fruits and toiletries, and actually found a publisher willing to accept his melon fucking as legitimate advice in exchange for cash. By that fact alone he’s got everyone reading this beat. Make whatever jokes you will, but this guy’s bedding a different honeydew every other weekend.

A quick glimpse through the book's index reveals four different vegetables referenced by name as well as the vaunted "vegiedildo." So, if filling a sock with lubricant and shaming both yourself and your local laundromat is too complicated a process for you (Sloppy Sock, 26-27), Matt Pagett is more than happy to walk you through the process of violating yourself or a loved one with produce. This book really is for everyone, and that may be the most perplexing part about it.

If you skip through the user reviews on any relationship or sex guide written by a woman for men you’ll find many bros warning that the book will turn you into a Beta Male. These fist pumping, beer chugging, bitch slapping men are the kings of their domain, and the worst thing that could ever happen to them is trying to meet someone else's needs without being immediately rewarded with vagina afterwards.

Ever wonder what it would be like if one of those guys self-published a book?

If you are interested in having a wife or girlfriend who is submissive and obedient (no matter how stubborn or disobedient she is now) then the brand new book will show you how. But first, a warning: This book is short and to the point. And it is NOT a syrupy sweet guide about buying women flowers, cooking them dinner or putting them on a pedestal. It's about getting obedience and submission from her. The kind of obedience that has her WANTING to follow your lead, please you, and help you achieve your goals as your "helpmate" -- without any of the nagging, whining, sexual blackmail or usual female "drama queen" nonsense. However, this book is definitely NOT for everyone. And the info inside is extremely controversial. Frankly, most men will not have the balls to actually follow through on the tips (even though they don't require you to "do" anything except change the way you think). So if you're a girly-man feminist, don't bother. This ain't for the "politically correct." And it doesn't pull ANY punches about the reality of life.

That is only one-third of the Kindle Market description of How to Get Almost Instant Obedience from Your Woman, and holy shit what the hell. Either a time traveler from the 1950s is having a severe allergic reaction to the very concept of marriage equality or author Radu Belasco spent his high school years getting beaten up by the varsity field hockey team and now seeks revenge in the whiniest way possible. Somewhere along the line this guy got hurt by someone, and I hope she’s happy because now society has to protect itself from his twenty-page temper tantrum.

A good enough summary as any.

At first glance this may not seem like it's related to sex, but as the description goes on (and does it ever) it's made clear that being the top dog means getting sex whenever you want, how often you want. Belasco honestly presents the notion that acting like an entitled and belligerent asshole will turn your partner into a sex machine sans the power switch. But don’t worry! According to him these methods are totally legal and ethical. That’s something most relationship guides need to clarify, right?

Gaining obedience from your woman is not about being a woman-hater or a jerk. It is about making relationships balanced -- with the man as the leader and the woman as his help meet -- there to help him achieve his goals.

As people who followed Matt Pagett's advice and jammed their penises into a Merriam-Webster dictionary, we like to think that we have an intimate knowledge of the English language, and not only is "help meet" not a phrase that means anything or makes any kind of sense whatsoever, we can also tell that Belasco doesn't know what the word "equality" means since, you know, it implies some semblance of equality.

My wife and I went to see a movie (a "guy" movie) and she started complaining.
About the theater.
About the people around us (how they talked, dressed, and looked -- the works). And about whatever else there was to complain about (some of her complaints were valid, some were ridiculous...) So I told her to quit complaining and, in no uncertain terms, if she didn't like it, she could go sit out in the car.
So what did she do?
With a defiant grunt... she stormed out of the theater!

How dare she not bite her tongue and then leave when presented with the option of doing so! She should have published her complaints in a poorly formatted and punctuated e-book like a real adult!

Not surprisingly, Belasco's wisdom couldn't be contained to a mere twenty or so pages...

Belasco trades in his wife beater for a lab coat with, Alpha Sex Drive Secrets: 101 Ways to Reclaim the Male Sex Drive You Had as a Young Man... Even if Everything Else You've Tried has Failed, his brilliant contribution to the medical world:

If you're a man interested in safely, naturally and quickly rekindling the surging sex drive you had in your youth... or if you are suffering from ED (erectile dysfunction) or just don't find yourself in "the mood" for sex anymore... then this new book can change that -- fast.

And suddenly his other book makes far too much sense.

Look, we're not boner doctors, but if you’re going to take advice from anyone about curing your erectile dysfunction then we would hope it’s not coming from the same guy who advocates treating your wife like a house cat. If Belasco knows as much about the male libido as he does about healthy relationships, you’re better off saving the three dollars his book will cost you and telling your flaccid penis to wait in the car while you hang back and watch Terminator 2 like a man.

But in the interest of fairness, let’s look at some of these tips:

2. Don't Be A Eunuch
This Second tip is probably the most important from a purely psycological point of view
And that is having a submissive wife.

Surprise!

There is nothing sexier to the average, red-blooded man than a wife who is submissive, and who is his "help mate" -- there to assist him in his goals in life. (As opposed to a cold, standoffish control freak who thinks of you as her "house man" -- a name my wife's cousins actually have to her live-in boyfriend!) I'm talking about a wife who is a willing partner there to encourage and support you... instead of nagging and trying to control you.

At this point you may be thinking that Belasco is just some bitter guy in a horrible relationship with too much free time and unrestricted access to a keyboard, but we'd be remiss if we didn't mention his softer, more spiritual side:

Proverbs 5:18 - 19:
Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.

There is so much wisdom in this for men who have low sex drive.
I don't understand hat it is about breasts that gets us guys so excited.
I just know they do.
And if you are suffering from low sex drive, you could do a lot worse than taking God's advice and delighting in your wife's breasts -- and enjoying them instead of ignoring them.
Have at it man!

From the cover. Note the distinct lack of Bibles and motorboating. Coincidence?

We're not going to knock looking to the Bible to get you hot and bothered. If an erection is anything like car keys, chances are you left it in the least likely of places. However, his ultimate advice of "enjoy breasts" is arguably the most insulting thing he could have written in a book about curbing a low sex drive and curing erectile dysfunction. There's one-hundred other tips -- one of them could involve multiple video cameras, two bicycle pumps and your mother, and that would be less insulting than "read the Old Testament and think about boobies." If Alfred Kinsey ever had the chance to study Radu Belasco the resulting notes would consist entirely of question marks and crude doodles of confused dogs shitting into their own mouths.

And before you start thinking we have it in for this guy, you need to understand something: there is clearly something wrong with his thought process. Even if you ignore his running theme that women have toppled American society, following his logic as he tries to connect two ideas is like watching a quadruple amputee try to place in a Twister tournament. Case in point, here’s an excerpt from “Yoda’s Sex Secret.” No, really, that's the title:

Anyway, we got to talking about Yoda and how he's a classic alpha male.
Which is kind of interesting, isn't it?
Because let's face it, he's not physically imposing.
He doesn't have a booming, powerful voice.
And he doesn't look like a "chick magnet."
But, when he walks into a room full of jedi, warriors and other galactic bad asses, there's no doubt who "the man" is, is there?
Nobody challenges him.
Nobody questions him.
And... everyone eagerly submits to him!

Now from the same exact section, discussing how Yoda and Alpha Males don’t take shit from no one:

Because they aren't pushed around by society.
Refuse to be nagged, pressured or manipulated.
And, frankly, haven't let life turn them into a eunuch.
Not by their women.
Not by their teachers and parents.
And not by their bosses, peers or the crumbling culture overrun by feminists and girly-men who do nothing but make laws and rules to keep men down. (Ever see the skewed divorce laws in America lately?)

Somehow we’ve forced a connection between Yoda, puppet and fictional space knight, with American divorce laws. America could divert all the money used annually on national defense and have NASA build a series of super-computers, somehow retard those computers with viruses, and then bash the keyboards of said computers with copies of Atlas Shrugged. Their output would still make more sense than the first sentence in this paragraph.

Maybe that's the secret. Maybe he really is a retarded computer. It would certainly explain a few things.