Four Weird-Ass Home Remedies (You Probably Shouldn’t Try at Home)

 

Home Remedy 560x219In case you guys didn’t know, folk medicine is some weird stuff. About 2% of it is found to have some sort of distant relationship with actual science. The other 98% is absolute, serene bullshit. That’s some strong bullshit; the kind you get when you meet a mustached dude named Paolo at a small airstrip outside of Medellin. Paolo hands you a heavy black duffel bag and you hand over a slim black briefcase full of crispy Benjamins.

pablo escobar

The preceding joke relies heavily on the concept of Colombians dealing in BS instead of cocaine, so here’s a picture of Pablo Escobar

Unlike the usual product Paolo trades in, folk remedies usually won’t get your ass thrown into federal prison if you try to sneak them back home in your Cessna. Also unlike the Colombian marching powder, most home cures will do precisely dick for your current mood or level of wellness. These traditional medicinal treatments certainly won’t make you the most popular guy in the nightclub bathroom.

coke 560x434

Okay, that was the last cocaine joke, we swear.

4) Curanderismo (from Mexico)

Roll eggs and shit on your body to cure illnesses

eggs

Pictured above: Medicine

Curanderismo is a traditional religious-superstitious folk tradition from Spanish-Catholic origin that combines the wisdom of village hoodoo with rubbing silly crap on your body. Practitioners believe in what are called the four basic folk illnesses: empacho (upset stomach); mollera caida (infant soft-spots); susto (fright sickness, whatever that is); and mal de ojo, the good ol’ Evil Eye.

In order to determine symptoms of the dreaded Evil Eye, a raw egg is rolled around on the abdomen while the curandero recites the Apostle’s creed. Once this task is complete, the curandero cracks the egg into a glass of water and observes its shape. Presto! Instant diagnosis.

3) Chihuahua Asthma Remedy (from Texas)

Relieve your horrible breathing problem by giving it to your tiny dog!

chihuahua

Hey, they have to be good for something, right?

People in Texas believe some pretty oddball shit sometimes. Elvis is alive, Obama is the Antichrist, Terrell Owens was actually worth $25 million…really, some pretty strange stuff. It should come as no surprise that the belief that you could somehow cure your asthma by passing it on to your yapping little chihuahua comes from there.

While we can’t find a whole lot of resources to back this up other than references declaiming it, we have to say it’s believable that it would be part of Texas’ early folk medicine repertoire. Either that, or it was just a general “Fuck you” to the chihuahua community. Whichever.

cute chihuahua dog

Up yours, Dog – Sincerely, Texas

2) Eight-legged Ague Cure (from Scotland)

Malaria got you down? Cram a spider in your nose

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Take two, call me when you stop screaming

Not to be outdone by those wacky Texans (and possibly because this remedy predates the other one by about 800 years) the Dark Age Scots had a nifty cure for malaria. If you were feeling just a little bit down, wrap a weaver spider in its own web and hang it around your neck. If the malaria had you by the short hairs, find two weaver spiders, wrap them in their own webs…and eat them.

Trust us, we’re just as surprised as you that the cure didn’t involve sheep in some fashion.

1) Album graecum (from Ancient Rome)

Sore throat? Cure it with dog poop

white dog poo

Cures what ails ya

Album graecum is an old Roman remedy that utilizes dried dog feces as its chief curative ingredient. The dusty white poo was ground into a fine, disgusting powder and ingested to fight off swelling in the throat and esophagus. It should be noted that the concoction was originally used to cure leather.

It should be further noted that if you wash down your graecum with a sip of water, the almost-bearable poo-powder turns back into regular old dog shit.