Four Gifts For The Booze Smuggler Who Has Everything
It’s that time of year again when people want to buy you gifts. And why wouldn’t they? You’re a great guy, right? Well, even if you’re a schlub there are times in your life when you need to have your booze handy, and it’s just not socially acceptable for you to break out the bottle. What’s a sober guy to do?
Previously we covered a handful of items designed specifically to help you keep your spirits up and nearby without letting the world know you’re tipping it back. And while that may be exactly what the doctor ordered for your Summertime hooch smuggling needs, we thought we could add to the list and maybe help insure you get something under the tree that you’ll actually have a use for. Seriously, how many Goddamn sweater vests does one man need?
- The Smart Flask
This device is carefully crafted to resemble your smart phone. Thus the name. Sure it's a clever product, but apparently names are hard to come by.
The upside to this device? Everyone will think you're super wealthy and/or important because you're carrying not one, but TWO smart phones everywhere you go.
The downside? When your nephew wants to play the mad bird game and he winds up puking mid-way through communion. Of course, you could always put the blame on the Sacramental wine.
- The Bible Flask
Hey, this one goes hand in hand with your Smart Flask. Why should you be limited to just one beverage during church service? And we all know that Jesus' wine is disgusting to begin with. For real? You want me to get blitzed on your blood? Dude.
Load up your Bible Flask with Rum and your Smart Flask with Coke, and set sail with Captain Morgan while saving your mortal soul.
The upside to this device? You'll technically be bringing your bible to service on Sunday, earning points from your Mom for being such a good boy.
The downside? When you inevitably have to go pee, Widow Johnston takes up your bible and begins speaking in tongues. At least it will be a memorable service.
- The Belt Buckle Flask
Wow, these people really need a marketing department don't they? Everything is pretty dull sounding. Imagine if they were in charge of vehicle marketing. “We present to you the all new 2013 Ford Car”. They must believe in giving about 10% effort.
Anyhow, your booze will be directly outside the area you want to put it into at all times. Convenience? Belt Buckle Flask is the physical embodiment of convenience.
The upside to this device? Booze in a belt buckle. If you need more than that you're just being difficult.
The downside? If you're already sporting a sizeable beer belly, you'll have to make doubly sure you screw the lid on tight, otherwise only your Nikes will be getting buzzed.
- Your Gut
Yes, the old standby that we've been using for ages. Simply drink your fill before you get to where you're going. Everyone knows you're a lush, there's no sense in trying to hide the fact. Besides, isn't honesty truly the best policy?
If you'll excuse us, we're heading out to the garage. Someone said they heard a way we can smuggle a 12 pack inside of our neighbor's cat.
*all of these products, except for your gut, are available online at Hide Your Booze
Latest posts by Bill Mothershead (see all)
- Five Peppers That Will Disintegrate Your Soul - November 28, 2017
- Six Ways People are Ruining Hamburgers - May 28, 2016
- Three Extreme Buildings Made From Recycled Beer Empties - March 23, 2015