The Golden Globes in 500 Words

Golden Globe header 560x339The 69th Annual Golden Globes were last night. Heh, heh, he wrote 69. It was three hours of action, intrigue, romance and bondage. Nah, not really — there was very little in the way of action. Unless you count Christopher Plummer round-kicking Brad Pitt in the solar plexus. Wait, was that real or did I imagine it? Probably the latter, I was pretty wasted on booze and pills. Anyway, if you missed the show, here’s the Golden Globes in 500 words.

  • Host Ricky Gervais was conspicuous by his absence for most of the night. I guess the Hollywood Foreign Press wanted to limit the amount of pointed barbs he hurled. However, he did take time to hammer NBC (again) for being a garbage network. Overall, he was good, not great.
  • Look out, it’s a British Invasion! Christopher Plummer, Kate Winslet, Idris Elba and Downtown Abbey all took home globes. And Kelsey Grammer, who might as well be British, was honored as well. America needs to step up its game. Or invade England.
  • Either Johnny Depp took an extra “cool” injection or he was completely shitfaced.
  • Madonna, who won for some song from something she directed, managed to sound like a pompous idiot not once, but twice. She referred to W.E. as “my movie” three times then feebly attempted to insult Gervais after he inferred she was a dirty whore. To summarize, Madonna is still an elitist #@%$.
  • Line of the night goes to Mr. Seth Rogen, who echoed the sentiments of every male co-star Kate Beckinsale has worked with.

  • Matt LeBlanc gave a refreshingly humble acceptance speech.
  • There was a Chris Tucker sighting. No, really, he was there. I think.
  • Peter Dinklage won for Game of Thrones. Let’s just give him the award for next year too. He’ll get nominated and Tyrion Lannister is awesome. By the way, season 2 of Thrones premieres April 1st. No joke.
  • Salma Hayek’s massive breasts presented an award. One of these years they’ll get nominated.
hayek breasts

The real Golden Globes.

  • 74-year-old Morgan Freeman rocked an earring..
  • Tilda Swinton is the best actress in the world (sorry, Streep). But damn, she cleans up weird. I’m talking Bjork weird.

We need to talk about the hair.

  • Speaking of Streep, she deserves a Golden Globe for feigning surprise after winning a Golden Globe for The iron Lady.
  • I saw like 80 flicks last year but The Artist wasn’t one of them. It won a bunch of awards so it must be great. I hear the dialog is phenomenal.
  • There were at least three references to Bridesmaids‘ Melissa McCarthy pooping in the sink and Harvey Weinstein was called “The Punisher” about eight times. I’m not sure what one has to do with the other, but I smell a love connection.
  • George Clooney was witty and charming. Damn you, George Clooney. Do you ever have an off day?

There you have it. The 69th annual Golden Globes in 500 words. Brevity is the soul of wit.