The 2013 Golden Globes in 500 Words

globes header 560x316I spent most of Sunday afternoon at a bar watching the NFL Divisional Playoffs. After hours of marveling Russell Wilson in a losing effort and cursing Tom Brady in a winning one, there’s no better way to sober up than taking in 180 minutes of the Golden Globes. No, really. In case you missed the show (for shame), here’s a tidy wrap-up in 500 words.

  • Hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler deliver a solid monologue. Highlight: torture is being married to James Cameron. Burn.
  • Maggie Smith wins for her role in Downton Abbey and does everyone watching a huge favor by being absent. One less speech is always welcome.
  • Homeland hits the trifecta: Best Dramatic Series, Best Actor Damian Lewis, Best Actress Claire Danes. Screw you, terrorists.
  • Adele wins for theme to Skyfall and seems genuinely drunk.
  • Commercial break. I flip over to Devil’s Pond starring Tara Reid on LMN. She’s rowing a boat in an attempt to escape her abusive husband.
  • Kevin Costner unfurls a career eulogy after winning for The Hatfields and McCoys, but refuses to apologize for The Postman.

I’m so gonna bang Lena Dunham tonight.

  • Jodie Foster gives a rousing speech about privacy and being a strong female in Hollywood that causes many of the women in attendance to shed a tear. All the while, I keep waiting for Mel Gibson to unleash a barrage of anti-semitic epithets. Sadly, he doesn’t.
  • Jennifer Lawrence jokes about Harvey Weinstein committing murder to get her up there. It’s funny because it’s probably true.
  • Devil’s Pond update: Tara is swimming at night with aid from a flotation device. She appears upset.
  • Anne Hathaway’s husband Adam Shulman looks like an effeminate version of Ryan Gosling.

Nice try, Shulman.

  • Quentin Tarantino gives a rambling speech about himself. Again.
  • Aziz Ansari confirms what we all suspected: the Downton Abbey cast consists of nothing but potheads.
  • Lena Dunham wins Best Actress and Best Comedy on the same night Season 2 of Girls premieres. That’s kismet.
  • Devil’s Pond update: Tara is now floating on an air mattress. I’m guessing she can’t swim.
  • Louis C.K. doesn’t win Best Actor for Louie. He acted beside a bathtub full of sh*t and watched Parker Posey die. What else does the guy have to do?
  • Daniel Day-Lewis is gracious and humble and articulate during his Best Actor acceptance speech. I bet he secretly loves interracial midget porn.
  • Ben Affleck wins Best Director for Argo. That’s right, O’Bannion from Dazed and Confused just beat out Spielberg and Tarantino.
ben affleck

You’re fahqing dead!

  • Jessica Chastain wins for Zero Dark Thirty. Natural redheads are the absolute best.
  • Devil’s Pond update: Tara is pointing a shotgun at her abusive husband. Oh LMN, you complete me.
  • Les Miserables takes Best Comedy/Musical and that other movie about a CIA mission, Argo, seizes Best Drama.

That’s all, folks. The 70th Annual Golden Globes are over. Time to start drinking again.