The Gunaxins: Oscars Edition
The 84th Academy Awards are this Sunday night.I’ll be watching, but only because I kinda have to, not necessarily because I want to. Let’s face it, the Oscars stink. The broadcast is interminable, the jokes stale and the speeches long-winded. Even worse, they don’t accurately reflect the majority of the viewing public’s tastes. Listen, I’m not suggesting Transformers, Twilight and Pirates of the Caribbean sweep the awards, but tossing nods to War Horse and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is just as wrong.
Perusing this year’s list of nominees, it’s impossible not to notice the glaring lack of testosterone. Ya know, movies for dudes. Flicks where shit blows up, heads get split open and chicks bare their breasts for no reason. The Artist is good, but black and white silent films don’t really speak to the beer and nachos crowd. That’s where The Gunaxins come into play. The Gunaxins recognize the best and worst from a guy’s perspective. Emasculating tear-jerkers are for hoity-toity critics. Our Oscars celebrate action, violence, vulgarity, gore and babes. In other words, awesome stuff.
And The Gunaxin goes to…
- Best Serial Killer
Tire in Rubber - Vicious, relentless, uncaring and made of rubber. A psychokinetic tire that explodes the heads of every living thing in its path is our kind of nutjob. Why reinvent the wheel when you can just use it to commit a brutal murder spree? It's bizarre for sure, but also wholly original.
- Best Movie Friend We’d All Like to Have
Seth Rogen in 50/50 - Rogen's Kyle has his faults, like using his pal's cancer to pick up chicks, but what he lacks in tact he more than makes up for in loyalty. Unlike Adam's bitch of a girlfriend, Kyle does the right thing and stands by through thick and thin. More importantly, he keeps Adam laughing and doesn't treat him like a pariah. That's a true friend.
- Best Alien Invaders
Attack the Block - Finally, creatures from outer space that aren't humanoid or robotic. The jet black bear/gorilla beasties with luminescent jaws are no joke, yo. They get especially pissed when you steal one of their females. Filmmakers and writers would do well to follow Attack the Block's lead. It's an alien. Use your imagination for Pete's sake!
- Best Non-Porn Sex Scenes
Now & Later - Full disclosure: Now & Later is a terrible movie. The paper-thin story is dull, the acting atrocious and the dialogue laughable (just like porn). All that said, the multiple sex scenes between the two leads are graphic and boner-inducing. Just keep your other hand on the fast forward button while watching.
- Best Badass Picture
Drive - Ryan Gosling's charismatic and frightening turn as a mysterious driver with a bloodthirsty temper is one of many things to admire in this stylish, old-school crime drama.
X-Men: First Class - The most cohesive of last year's superhero sagas. Watching Magneto and Professor X vie for control of mutant nation is highly entertaining. Plus, a submarine gets lifted from the ocean.
Mission: Impossible, Ghost Protocol - The fourth installment in the franchise does the, well, impossible: it improves on the previous three with a stellar cast and wall-to-wall action. It's what every Bond movie should be, but unfortunately isn't.
13 Assassins - With a body count that exceeds 200, this samurai epic spills more blood than ten horror flicks combined.
Elite Squad: The Enemy Within - Police/government corruption hasn't been this awesome in years. A disillusioned Lt. Col attempts to topple a system run amok from the inside. Violent and smart.
Warrior - Two estranged brothers embark on a collision course at a $5 million MMA tournament. Makes The Fighter look like a Sunday school lesson.
- Best Breasts
Elizabeth Olsen in Martha Marcy May Marlene - Who knew the Olsen twins had a hotter, younger sister who didn't resemble a strung-out heroin fiend? Better yet, she can act. Better still, she has perfect breasts.
- Best Clusterfu*k Movie
Sucker Punch - This effects-laden acid trip is either an inept attempt to reinvent the action genre or a successful attempt to fetishize mentally disturbed teenage girls. Or both. Whatever the hell is it, it's shockingly mundane, despite a glut of incredible set pieces and nubile bodies. Director Zack Snyder needs a vacation.
- Best Villain Duo
The Plague in Hobo with a Shotgun - Wow, they sure as shit don't make flicks like this anymore. Hobo wears its exploitation, grindhouse and D-movie labels like badges of honor, as well it should. The gory violence is gloriously over the top. Take Rip and Grinder, aka "The Plague," for instance. This devilish duo exists for one reason: to kill in the most gruesome ways possible.
- Best Actress at Playing a Cu*t
Bryce Dallas Howard - The daughter of director Ron managed to execute a double-dip of cu*tiness in The Help and 50/50. In the former she's a stuck-up Southern racist with a taste for chocolate pie, the latter a selfish shrew who cheats on her cancer-stricken boyfriend. Bryce gives gingers a poorer reputation than they already have.
- Best Worst Movie We’d See Again
Your Highness - This ribald spoof of medieval fantasy films should've been hilarious. Alas, it misses the target more than it hits. However, Natalie Portman's tight ass in a thong and severed minotaur penis is enough to compel us to watch a second time. Yeah, we're superficial and juvenile.
- Best Lesbian Scene
Circumstance - An Iranian film about lesbians? Yes, sir. Placing aside the image of exotic hotties grinding on one another for a moment, this is a thought-provoking story about modern youth being persecuted by archaic ideals. Okay, back to the gorgeous lesbians exploring each other's bodies.
- Best Movie Car
Medusa from Bellflower - Sorry Fast Five, but the award for most bitchin' ride goes to Medusa. This all black 1972 Buick Skylark has been custom-built to survive the impending apocalypse. It comes fully equipped with dash-mounted surveillance cameras, smoke-screen generator and best of all, flame-throwing tailpipes. It's so rad, Lord Humungus himself would be jealous.