Why Guys Should Not Want the Twilight Saga to End

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This is a site for guys. As guys, it is sometimes necessary to not only dispense but also listen to advice when it is given. If you are reading this website, there is a better than average chance that you are either married or in a long-term relationship. Brother, you had a time and that time has now passed. What do you have? You have a woman who either loves you or has made enough of her life to where she at the very least tolerates you. What does she have? She has a series of books as well as movies that you universally believe “suck.” Don’t get us wrong. You have not seen a Twilight movie. You have not read any of the novels. Your understanding is that the series features vampires of questionable sexuality who should be shoved into a locker. There is also a werewolf or possibly more than one. The werewolf is some guy who shaves his chest and takes off his shirt a lot.

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As a guy, you hate every single moment of this. Quietly or maybe not so quietly, your guyness is rejoicing that you will not have to deal with any more of this craziness. As a guy there are things that you understand. There are also things that you don’t understand. The woman you are with? She loves you. At the very least she has an attachment to you that keeps her grounded. Do not believe that she is still turned on by your couch riding beer gutted ass at this point. Does she still have sex with you? Yes. Is there anything more important to you than making this happen? No.

Does it matter how she gets turned on enough to actually have sex with you? Well, yes and no. In this instance, a rudimentary understanding might actually help. Women are actually rarely turned on by sight. There is not a picture of a guy’s junk that has been passed around by a group of women which has ever been commented on favorably. Women are generally aroused by senses. Visual arousal is much more of a ‘guy thing.’ When you think of what to give a woman to put her in the mood, what do you generally get for her?

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Why do you get her the gifts that you do? The chances are that you saw those gifts on a movie or television commercial and thought some where in time, some guy got laid giving those gifts to women. Have you ever actually thought about what you are doing? Women have far different ways of interpreting senses than guys. Perfume is important to women because there olfactory nerves work on a different level. Women will wear g-strings just to go through a day feeling sexy and confident.

When you give a woman chocolates, roses, or diamonds, subconsciously you are giving an affirmation to the fact that women need the other senses overloaded in order to arouse the part you want aroused. This is the same reason why you get women drunk. Quietly, you are attempting sensory overload to the point where the lowest common denominator looks like a good idea. In this instance, the lowest common denominator is you. Women’s standards tend to flatline when the urge to breed is present. This is the reason why strippers who are ovulating tend to get the best tips. What does this have to do with Twilight Saga?

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Please stay with us here, bunky.  A woman watching Twilight will tend to think things like, “Good lord, I want to be dating a vampire/werewolf. Why am I not dating a vampire/werewolf? I deserve a vampire/werewolf. What exactly am I dating anyway? Oh yeah… him. Oh well, I might as well go home and do him.” It’s that last little thought that makes you (the lowest common denominator) relevant. If a woman is turned on enough, then the luck of simply being there is the greatest thing in the world. Now, how can you screw this up?

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You can spend your time and energy mocking the very thing that just got her excited. You can give a long soliloquy about how much these movies suck after she gets home from watching them with her girlfriends. You can talk about how you hate and will never allow in your home the very thing that just convinced her to have sex with you. Trust us. You are just stupid enough to do it.

So, when she comes home, the work has already been done. All you have to do is choke down every single impulse in your body that will prevent you from getting laid. Buying the entire Blu- ray collection for her when they come out wouldn’t hurt either. Shut your mouth and the rest of your body will be happy. Then pray to whatever God you worship that more pasty romantic vampires or whatever else obsesses her will be along shortly. Don’t say that we didn’t warn you. Oh, and Breaking Dawn Part 2 opens tomorrow, so you and your penis should have a happy weekend.