Lately I’ve been thinking about band names. Don’t ask me why, I just have. What happened to groups with names that made sense or were at least something you could imagine on this plane of existence? Nowadays all I hear is Nickelback, Jimmy Eat World, Vampire Weekend and Death Cab for Cutie. Whomever came up with names like these must have ingested a biggie-sized cocktail of liquid mercury, mustard gas, candle wax and ramen noodles. So in the spirit of that, I took it upon myself to come up with some great new band names and their obvious choice of genre without the aid of said cocktail.

Spacewolf Hedgefund – Aboriginal underground contemporary

Mister Fister – Lo-fi surf metal

Bean Burrito Worship – New wave swamp thrash

Carnal Nullification – Ambient Lol-core

Elongated Facial Anus – Christian Glamcore

Dear State Trooper, I’d like my fake ID back, kthxbye – Euro-garage pre-prog

Stories by Joe – Swedish Folk Metal

Oxycontin Brigade – Third era industrial proto-funk

Wildebeests ‘R Us – Experimental sadcore

Goat Destiny – Straight-edge neo-grunge

The thin line between internet seduction and a court order – Scandinavian Frat Jazz

Brontosaurus Thesaurus – Situational breakout gospel

The Tube Top Mafia – Sri Lankan breakfast rap

Herpes and Horoscopes – Northeastern glitter emo

Rump ‘N Roll – Indie sophisti-pop

Tenderloin Segue – Stoner acid-boogie

The Lol Crew – Psychedelic sludge punk

Bra Size: Impossible – Progressive noise vomit

The Walmart Rollback Fiasco – Alternative electro-comedy

A Leper’s Tale – Symphonic instrumental rockabilly

Lowering the Meat – Freestyle klezmer

If you’re forming a new band, I just want to give you my blessing and complete access to this list. With names like these and such success-oriented genres, you can’t go wrong.