How Low Can Jay Leno Go?
The saga of Jay Leno’s Mediocrity Hour has been a hilarious one. NBC, terrified of the idea of having to fill five hours of television with programs that might need scripts, decided to scrap everything and run, Monday to Friday, Jay Leno for an hour at 10pm.
Needless to say, opening a yawning portal to bad comedy hell on viewer’s televisions hasn’t been the greatest of decisions and the only thing keeping the show alive is NBC executive egos. Last week, he was beaten out by “One Tree Hill” and “Gossip Girl”, which is a bit like getting lynched by a Special Ed class. NBC is insisting that Leno’s ratings will rebound once the major networks go into repeats. But here at Gunaxin, we’ve run the show through our prognostication machine …and come up with a more likely series of events.
Week of November 19th: Leno’s ratings drop below a 1.0.
Week of November 25th: Show goes off the air for a “retool” and for the Thanksgiving break.
November 28th: “The Festival of Tits Featuring Jay Leno” premieres.
November 29th: Viewers realize “Festival of Tits” refers to the large cage of birds behind Leno, and that the show’s format is otherwise unchanged.
November 30th: Leno slips below 0.7 rating.
Week of December 9th: Leno’s guests spontaneously cancel their scheduled interviews on the show. Staff are unable to find replacements, so the show consists of a solid hour of Leno’s comedy routines and banter with his band.
Week of December 16th: Leno slips below 0.5 rating. No guests will attend the show, so Leno has been forced to improvise skits.
Weeks of December 16th and December 25th: NBC changes the show’s title ten times in as many broadcasts. New titles include, “It’s Christmas, Charlie Brown Featuring Jay Leno”, “A Christmas Story, Featuring Jay Leno” and “It’s a Wonderful Life, Featuring Jay Leno.” Leno’s name is in noticably smaller type than the title, triggering a contract dispute with Leno’s agent.
Week of January 1st: NBC affiliates replace “The Jay Leno Show” surreptitiously with their news anchors performing a puppet show. Ratings improve.
Week of January 8th: NBC takes punitive action on affiliates, stripping half their stations of their license to broadcast NBC content. Stations send puppets to NBC headquarters in protest.
Week of January 15th: Nielsen announces they have been purchased by NBC. Octomom refuses to be a guest on “Jay Leno”.
Week of January 22nd: Jay Leno Show shows drastic improvement, becoming the highest rated television show in existence with 100% of the viewing audience watching, despite all episodes consisting of Leno reading a newspaper at his desk and his band playing “In-Gadda-Da-Vita”.
Week of January 29th: Advertisers report they are abandoning using Nielsens as a “believeable metric of viewership.”
Week of February 5th: New York, Boston, and San Francisco affiliates announce they have now chosen to broadcast content from MyTV
Week of February 12th: Market research reports that literally no human being is watching the Jay Leno show.
February 15th: Leno conducts a surprise Jaywalking segment. The segment consists of Leno speaking to people on the street about how much they love his show while aiming a firearm at their genitals.
February 16th: Surprise “Jaywalking” skit held at local elementary school on “Puppy Day.” Leno and NBC executives hold three hundred grade-school children captive, while threatening to kill the puppies in front of them if people do not watch “The Jay Leno Show.” Viewership does not increase.
February 17th: Stand-off continues. Leno continues to perform standup routine, and is condemned by the Red Cross for cruelty towards children. Angry mobs amass in front of the school. A group of hardened mercenaries is hired by a group of concerned citizens. Unfortunately, these concerned citizens are PETA, and the mercenaries only rescue the puppies.
February 18th: Police conduct a raid of the elementary school, afraid that Leno will continue his routine for the children. Leno and several NBC executives are arrested, but some escape, only to be murdered by the angry mob.
February 19th: Leno and the surviving executives are sent to the Hague for crimes against humanity.
February 20th: The Hague, in the most rapid trial since its inception, rules that Leno and the executives are guilty and demands an “expedited executive process, for the sake of the human race.”
February 21st: Arguments break out in the UN over who will commit the executions.
February 22nd: Several NBC executives are found dead of suicide, their life force drained by Season Four of “Heroes.”
February 23rd: Leno and the remaining executives are summarily shot.
February 24th: “The Jay Leno Show” returns to air. Leno reveals his true face as the modern avatar of Satan.
February 25th: The Vatican is consulted, but it is too late. Leno has been given enough exposure that the sun is blackened from the sky and God abandons the Earth.
February 26th: Heroes is renewed for a fifth season.