How To Dress Your Pets For Halloween

By Stew Miller on October 25th, 2019

Judging by the old calendar on the wall, it’s but a mere few days till Halloween and time to really start thinking about costumes. No, not people costumes -any smart person would have come up with something kick-ass months ago, or they’re gonna end up as a bed-sheeted ghost- the costumes we’re talking about here are the ones you throw on your pets because we think they love it. They don’t. In fact, scientists and those who claim to speak to house pets are pretty certain that dressing your pets up in anything gives them free reign to rip out your throats while you sleep. But we digress because we’re gonna talk about it anyway with some suggestions on animal Halloween wear.

So You Have A Dog…

Dogs are loyal, friendly, kind, cheerful… look, they’re basically Boy Scouts -which isn’t to suggest you dress them as such for Halloween (they don’t understand how merit badges work, anyway)- but they also happen to be big, hairy morons that really smell awful when wet. All that aside, people still insist on costuming their canines and parading them all over creation while kids are Trick-Or-Treating. Most think there is nothing inherently wrong with this, but we present proof to the contrary. They might look cute and get all the attention (which, really, kind of speaks to part of the problem), but ultimately they’re just gonna tug at the kids’ capes and gowns and ghost gear and crap all over strangers’ lawns. It’s a mess. Not even to mention how incredibly stupid some of those costumes can be. Check a few of these out, won’t you?

So, what we have here are four of perhaps the goofiest and most ridiculous costumes of all time. Seriously. We have no issue with dogs as food, dogs as Super Heroes, or even dogs as Darth Vader. No issue what so ever. What we do take serious offense to is dogs dressed as Prisoners, Insects, Cheerleaders, and Whores. These aren’t cute! These are affronts to the canine persona! No dog goes to jail! No dog wants to look like a Ladybug, especially when they typically eat them! No dog has arms or, let alone thumbs with which to cheer on their favorite team! And no dog has boobs or the wherewithal to collect a fee for sex when they readily hump your leg for free! We’re sure there are several more, but these four costumes are big no-nos for your pet’s Halloween.

So You Have A Cat…

What’s worse than dressing a dippy dog for Halloween? Attempting (often fruitlessly and almost always painfully) to dress a cat. Cats are not like dogs; they are not subservient morons who usually sit pretty still as their owners don them in stupid outfits. Oh no. Cats are sinister, conniving, vicious spawns of Satan that dream endlessly about sucking out your soul as you slumber. Cats prepare, cats calculate, and cats formulate all the while you’re thinking how cute it would be to wrangle your feline frenemy into an adorable pumpkin costume. You might as well just gouge out your own eyes and slit your own wrists because that’s exactly what’s going to happen. That being said, some people are gluttons for punishment for the sake of cuteness. Here are some very angry cats in some very dumb costumes.

That first cat is Cleopatra. He wants to kill you. Look at his eyes? That’s a stare bubbling over with anger. The next cat is, presumably, some kind of “Urban Musician”. Not only does he want to kill you for the costume idea as a whole, but he just wants to kill you in general. The third cat is either a shark or is being consumed by one. Either way, you’re gonna die. Finally, there’s a hairless freaky cat monster in a roasting pan disgustedly pretending to be a turkey much to his chagrin. We give it points for originality, but it just looks really gross. Fail! You see what we mean? Sure, the dogs look despondent and slightly unhappy, but the cats all look like they have death on their minds and are willing to dish it out in spades.

So You Have Some Other Pet…

Some of you people have nothing better to do, apparently. There’s a fine line between cute and insanity. This stuff right here is insanity. Are people actually taking these animals out while kids go door-to-door on Halloween?