How to Make an Omelet – Even if You’re a Caveman

Welcome back, Oog. Glad to see you’re looking well fed. That last article on How To Make French Toast really seems to be working for you. What’s that? You’re getting a little tired of fried bread and syrup for breakfast every day? A few weeks ago you were pouring stale, room temperature PBR on your store-brand Lucky Charms. What are they called? Fortunate Baubles? Ugh. Ungrateful, that’s what you are.

Anyhow, how about we learn to make something a tad more involved and with a lot more protein. Yeah, protein good! It’s time you learned to make an omelet: Eggs, cheese, meat, veggies, an entire meal wrapped in boneless chicken. Think on that for a minute, you’ll see that we’re technically right.

You’re going to need a few things though. Eggs, for one. Got eggs? Good. Today we’ll make a simple egg and cheese folded omelet. Seriously, Oog, you can do this. Put down the club and release that poor woman’s head.

The Grub

• 3 Eggs – you’re a growing Homo-Erectus, after all.
• 1 tablespoon of milk, it does a body good. Even if it’s your hairy, loin-cloth. clad body.
• Shredded Cheddar Cheese
• Salt and Pepper.
• A pat of butter. Don’t go touching it inappropriately, basically a tablespoon’s worth.

The Process

Break the eggs into a bowl. Don’t drop any shells in there unless you’re a sadist and enjoy crunchy omelets. Add your milk and a few dashes of salt and pepper.

Beat the eggs gently with a fork. DAMMIT put that club down, we’re not trying to marry these things, just whip them into a yellowish consistency.

Gently now, pour it in that hot, wet pan.

Add your butter to a frying pan over medium heat on the stove. When the butter is melted, pour your egg mixture into the pan.

Don’t pay any attention to the fact that this isn’t the same pan. Even non-cavemen make mistakes.

Next, sprinkle your shredded cheddar cheese on top of the egg. As the edges begin to set, lift the edges up gently with your spatula, rotating the pan as you do so. This will insure your eggs don’t stick.

That’s right. Fold it over and make an egg Panini.

Continue cooking until the eggs have set on the bottom, but the tops are still moist. At this point, lift up the edge of the omelet and fold in half so that it covers the other half. DON’T GET ROUGH! You don’t want to break the egg in half.

You have clean, fancy plates right? No? Use a hubcap.

Now, gently slide the omelet from your pan onto your plate, and voila, Omelet!

Additions

You can add all kinds of great things to your omelets to make them complete meals. Like what, you ask? Oog, we’re so proud of you, forming half-coherent questions already!

• Ham – add a handful of finely chopped or diced ham, just before folding your omelet.
• Fine herbs – chop up some fresh parsley, tarragon and chives to the egg mixture.
• Mushrooms – yes, Oog, you can eat the ones they sell at the store. Sorry about your Aunt’s unfortunate incident out in the forest.
• Tomatoes – add some cooked, chopped tomatoes before folding the omelet.

Or add whatever the hell this is. It’s your omelet, we’re not trying to be omelet Nazis here.

This list is by no means complete. Try adding crumbled bacon, sausage, thinly sliced steak. Like peppers and onions? Throw them in there too.

This is just like making your own pizza when you call the delivery place. You choose the toppings that you want, and life will be great. Also, Oog, please join the new Millennium and get rid of that loin cloth. Your omelets are showing.