Which Jersey Shore Castmember Did Cocaine?

First of all, yes, I do watch Jersey Shore. Watching these orange man-boys that look like roided up sea monkeys fist-pumping their way to the misogynistic beat of the stereotype drum is simply too horrific to look away. The insecurity-as-self-adulation makes me squirm almost as much as Ricky Gervais did as David in the real The Office. The women may be even more entertaining, especially since Michael Vick ruined dog-fighting for everyone else. The cattiness, the violence, the boobs; imagine if they were even remotely attractive! Actually, forget that. It’s because they are so trashy that I watch, because they are willing, if not genetically predisposed, to go where the glamorous girls won’t (fist fights, alcohol poisoning, etc.). Also, I giggle with delight whenever one of them uses the term “classy,” self-referentially.

jersey shore girls1

Yo, check out all dis class up in heeah!

No surprise then, considering the average IQ and overall troglodytic behavior of the cast, that scandal (can you even use the word scandal when everything these morons do defines the term?) is lurking around every corner (kinda like last year’s early departee, Angelina). It was reported early last month that one member of the JS cast was using cocaine! *Don Knotts eye bulge* Imagine! An alcoholic, narcissistic, ‘roid pumping (guys and JWOWW only) twenty-something doing blow! Who could it be? (VOTE AT THE BOTTOM)

tumblr kvs8wxNKzC1qz7ptzo1 500

My money's on Pauly here...wait...

One need only watch the first episode of season 2 to realize who the Jersey Shore Snowblower is: Ronnie “I don’t need Sammi anymore” Magro is without  a doubt doing some serious uphill skiing!


Ronnie likes to warm up first with some "shadow-snorting"

Unlike last year’s Ronnie, who seemed the most confident and reasonably grounded of the guys (Vinny doesn’t count…he just doesn’t , okay?), season 2 Ronnie ranges from uncomfortably jittery to downright manic. His eyes seem a little wild and he talks faster and more defensively. Now, if you’ve ever been around someone doing blow, or, even better, seen Billy Baldwin as Van Stretch in the movie Internal Affairs, you’ll know these are tell-tale signs of a habitual cocaine user. Also, it looks like he’s grinding his jaw a lot (00:43 in the video. Yeah, that’s coke jaw alright).

I think if Sammi really does love Ronnie, like she says she does every time she opens her retarded mouth, she should do the right thing and start doing coke with him. Stand by your man, etc. Also, I think JWOWW and Vinny should fight. They measure up about the same but JWOWW has the slight advantage with her saline chest armour.

[poll id=”91″]