Job Searching Tips for the Class of 2010
Now that you’re are finally waking up from the drunken stupor of the last Delta Tau Chi party, it’s time to smell the hopelessness of the cubicle and get a job. Turn off Alice Cooper’s School’s Out and put on a white shirt because there are some things you need to know. First of all, if you can freeze yourself until 2050, when the job market might look better, do it now! If you don’t have access to a cryogenic room, you better keep reading our essential job searching tips and pray to God, that Metallica CD -or whatever other gods you have- that someone will hire you.
Any job searching wesbsite will tell you networking is the most important thing you can do. Of course, if you’re like us, your network is a bunch of 16 year old’s playing Call of Duty 4, a few unemployed college students, and some local cafeteria workers. In that case start begging your family to engage in nepotism and hire an unqualified person in a key position within their company.
In case your parents refuse to help your lazy ass the only choice left is to advertise yourself like crazy. Rent a billboard, walk around with a depression era sandwich board, and for God’s sake create a Linkedin account. You need a Linkedin account! Just ask everyone else who’s unemployed and looking for work.
Now that you have a Linkedin account – delete it! Not only will this prepare you for the senseless tasks you will have to do at work, but it’s the only way to avoid the 419 known scams from Linkedin. Yep, it turns out the Prince of Nigeria doesn’t want to hire you after all.
In all seriousness, don’t trust anyone. Ever. That job offer you just received from [email protected] is probably just an organ harvesting network looking to get your kidneys! In a recession job scams grow by 40% (HINT: start looking for a job in the scamming industry it’s booming right now). When Starbucks offers to fly you to Bolivia for a week of training, keep in mind that they probably just want to enslave you on their coffee farms.
So let’s say that you somehow avoided all the scams, networked the hell out of your family, and grandma is going to interview you for a position as a foot stool. You need a kick-ass resume that will convince her you are the perfect resting place for her old feet, and trust us when we say that nothing will show grandma how soft your back is like a bunch of lies.
Hell, by now everyone expects you to embellish the truth when writing a resume, why not go all the way? You didn’t greet people at Wal-mart, you were a professional, freelance, representative for a direct social customer experience enhancing program. We have no clue what the heck that means, but it’s filled with power words and that is all that matters. Hell, talk about the time you hunted grizzly bears with Thomas Jefferson as long as you use “social media” and “customer value” in there.
In case lying makes you feel uncomfortable rest assured knowing that even if the HR people read your resume it doesn’t really matter. Several studies showed that HR departments can look at identical resumes and reject one but not the other without any basis whatsoever, or solely based on what your name is. Other theories suggest that you can get hired because you leaned in the right way during an interview. Curse you body language!
The basic lesson to take away from this is that there are better chances you will be hired if your boss ate a good lunch that day than if you have a 4.0 GPA and all the experience in the world. So learn how to write a good resume from the masters over at Cracked. (HINT: your resume should be printed in blood)
Interviews are such a biased way to judge someone that we won’t even bother writing an entry. Instead we’ll just post some funny links and quotes and we want you to record yourself as you laugh at them. Then send us the tape of your laughter and we’ll select the best candidate to be a reader for our site.
Where are you planning to be in five years?
“Celebrating the 5th year of you asking me that question!” -Mitch Hedberg
Say to the interviewer ‘I need this job to support the child I’m having with your 15 year old daughter.’ When he attacks you, demand a job from the company as a trade-off for not suing. – Gorsky
The 10 types of crappy Interviewees By the Oatmeal
If you closely followed our nonsense advice you are guaranteed to get a job. Now you can look forward to 40-50 years of working 8 hours a day every weeks for some company you will slowly grow to hate. On the bright side you can steal their post-its and staples until your house will over-flood with useless office supplies. Good luck!
Editors Note : If you can’t find a real job, you could settle for working with us.