Man Rule #241: The 24 hour rule

We’ve all been there, You just had your buds over for a cook-out, the game, or just a raging party. And unless you’re Bill Gates, Norman Rockefeller or Jay-Z, said party was probably BYOB. The next morning, you roll out of bed, afraid to look at the girl sleeping next to you, because you’re fairly certain she doesn’t look like Megan Fox with blonde hair, despite what you told her last night to get her clothes off.

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Then you’ve gotta do the nasty.  Again. Fortunately, for you, it doesn’t involve porking a fat chick while blind, stinking drunk.

First, you’ve gotta get rid of the Orca, currently torturing your bedsprings. Hopefully, you were smart and gave her a false name, and told her you were just house sitting for a friend. Then wash burn your sheets. That asshole that vomited all over your bathroom? Everywhere except the toilet? Give her his phone number. He was so drunk he’ll probably believe he banged her. Second, you need to clean that pigsty.

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Your friends are dicks

If any of your buddies are still passed out around the house, wake them up and conscript them into cleaning. Above all, don’t ask why he was curled up on the couch with a double ended dildo. Some things are just better not to know. Make him clean the bathroom in exchange for never speaking a word about the dildo.

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Then make sure he's still breathing. If he isn't, call 911.

Okay, so you got all the party debris bagged up, and ready to go out. Be sure to check the lawn for anymore friends passed out. None? Okay, your boys can hold their own. If you find one,  stop what you’re doing and go find a camera. Pose him with several random items and immediately upload the photos to the internet, along with his name, and email address.

So, you’ve gotten rid of the fat chick, cleaned the house and sent your friends home to nurse their hangovers. This is where Rule #241 comes in.  By now you’ve gotten past the ‘oh God I swear I’ll never drink again, if you make the pain stop’ part of your hangover. And you’re probably a bit hungry and craving some hair of the dog.

Man Rule #241 reads as such:

If another guy, who happens to be your friend, leaves food or drink in your home, be it in the fridge, the living room, or stacked in a pyramid on the garage floor, he has twenty four hours to return and reclaim it. After that it becomes property of the host to use or dispose of as he sees fit.

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Pharoh is pleased.

So, yeah, hands off the Natty Ice until 4 am. And the leftover pizza in the microwave. However that hipster douche that you don’t really like, but always shows up with a sixer of PBR, drinks all your tequila and leaves a five-pack of PBR in your fridge. You can drink that. But who would want to? Also if you threw in for the pizza, chow down, it’s part-yours anyway.

Just to Clarify.  Rule #241 ONLY applies to food and drink. If your college roommate and his fiance’ got in an argument and broke up in the middle of the party, and he took off and left her there without a ride, it would still be bad form to wait until midnight the next day, then start “consoling” her with your penis.  Doesn’t matter. Still not cool. Hooking up with your buddy’s ex is covered in a different section of the Book of Man Rules.

I don’t care if your college roommate was Ryan Reynolds and he dumped Scarlett Johansson in your living room.  It is NOT cool to wait 24 hours then try to bone her. I don’t care if she is vodka-drunk and spoiling for some revenge-sex. Rule 241 ONLY applies to food and drink!

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Ah, who am I kidding? I would.

Following Rule #241 will save you some headaches, especially when one of your friends returns looking to reclaim the 30 year old bottle of scotch he left on your kitchen counter, or to pick up the rest of of the Black Angus steaks you didn’t cook the night before. Your friends will be glad to know that their booze and eats are secure with you, so long as they return to claim it within 24 hours.

Article by Mike Jordan