Monday M-Ass, June 21

By Bryan Douglass on June 21st, 2010

In one way or another, we all worship.

I return with gifts for the masses… an offering of the best sporting events you will find on the broadcast schedule for the week ahead. Its become a weekly ritual for me with hopes of making it the same for any and all that want to share, and as always, we’d like to spice the plate with a few gifts for the eyes of desire and imagination.

This week, we pay homage to the arrival of the world’s most renowned tennis tourney… including the Queen of Court Sexy, Maria Sharapova (above).

Enjoy.

Daniela Hantuchova

(BTW, all times are MDT… the east-coast bias is a myth.)

Monday June 21
4:00am ESPNU
NCAA Women’s Volleyball Championship – Texas vs. Penn State
If you need me to tell you why you should be watching women’s volleyball, ESPECIALLY a match featuring some nation’s best out of the Lone Star State, then you probably aren’t reading this anyway.

12:00pm ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Spain vs. Honduras
The world’s largest sports event continues on with a match sure to please some of the best futbol fans in the game. I’ve dedicated some time to watching the World Cup over the last week and I have to say… this sport is as manic as any I’ve ever watched. Some of the games are exhilarating and others are perfect for inducing sleep. Spain is good at producing unbelievably hot women. Honduras is good at producing some of the world’s most underrated cigars. Sounds like a winner.

8:00pm ESPN
Monday Night Baseball – New York Yankees vs. Arizona Diamondbacks
I can’t believe we’ve waited this long for the vaunted rematch of the 2001 World Series Rematch. Back then Derek Jeter was dating Tyra Banks. Today he’s set to marry Minka Kelly. The Yanks may have lost the series but Jeter won the war.

11:05pm NBC
Poker After Dark
Celebrities. Texas Hold ‘Em. Liquor. Smoke. Leeann Tweeden. What else do you want?

Ashley Harkleroad

Tuesday June 22
2:50am ESPN3.com
Micromax Asia Cup – Sri Lanka vs. India
I continue to push for a rise in American support for wagers on cricket. If the Worldwide Leader is going to force soccer, er, futbol down your throat… cricket should be right up our alley. It’s baseball with action, scoring, and gambling.

7:30am ESPN2
2010 FIFA World Cup – France vs. South Africa
Luckily for South Africa, France appears to be staying true to form and has already conceded defeat. I anticipate they will enter the stadium waving the white flag and speaking German.

7:30am Univision
Copa Mundial: Mexico vs. Uruguay
Trust me on this one… it’s MUCH better to watch soccer (damn it, I can’t stop doing that), I mean FUTBOL, in Spanish. If the game sucks ass the announcing and commercials will pull you through.

9:30am Versus
Scott Martin Challenge
It’s become rather difficult to find quality programming for the outdoor sportsman but Versus is getting it done, including the Scott Martin Challenge where contestants are sent out on boats without rods, without hooks, and without lures. They are giving handguns and clubs and whoever comes to shore with the most dead stuff in their boat wins. It’s filmed in Canada where the assholes from PETA can’t do as much damage. I have this on the DVR season pass.

(I’m kidding…. I don’t have it on season pass.)

10:00am ESPN2
Wimbledon, The Championships
Tennis joins the fray as the only tourney most fans commit to memory hits the calendar. This year’s visit to the grass courts in London should be as alluring as ever… but stay away from the men’s game. It’s awful. You tune in to watch girls stick fuzzy yellow balls up the ass of their knickers. That’s tennis in 2010. If we could only find a way to get Anna back out there…

7:00pm ESPNU
NBA Draft Combine
This is, without question, the most worthless “event” on the sports schedule. None of the top prospects will show. Those players worthy of note that do come through the combine don’t stick around long and they rarely lift a finger of effort in an attempt to portray a false sense of giving a shit. I fail to understand why the NBA is pushing this but give the Worldwide Leader credit. They found the right member of their expansive network to air it.

(Have you ever tried to find ESPNU on your dial? Go ahead… go find it now. It may not be, as DirecTV addict, an issue for those of you living in the dark ages with cable television… but I bet it is.)

Wednesday June 23
7:30am ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – United States vs. Algeria
The World Cup seems to be following the NBA model of having teams play once every six or seven days. The hometown boys FINALLY get back on the pitch in a game they should, according to the stuff I read, dominate. Algeria held tight for a scoreless tie with England but all accounts suggest the Brits gave that one away. They also suffered a loss to Slovenia in their first World Cup match. If the boys in red, white, and blue win they will move on.

9:00am ESPN Classic
Joe Namath Show with Paul Anka and Peggy Fleming
Broadway Joe welcomes ’60s teen idol Anka to the set to drink a few highballs and torch a few Salems with Dick Schaap and one of the hottest female athletes that ever lived. I’ve seen this one… it’s like the Suzy Kolber incident for Joe except he’s not as drunk and he makes it clear he wants more than a kiss (and I’m pretty sure Peggy gives it up).

3:00pm Versus
Inside Israeli Basketball
Don’t laugh… this is one of the best spots for basketball in the world. You’ll find a healthy offering of American players on the Maccabi Haifa squad, and all of the balls are kosher.

5:00pm ESPN
Wednesday Night Baseball – AL/NL Showdown
I have no clue what this is. Baseball sucks. I assume this is a convenient way for the Worldwide Leader to schedule an interleague game without making a firm commitment to one particular venue… but I’m guessing they hit up the Mets where it will be “Go Gaga for Wright” night, a wonderful promotion where top-notch third baseman David Wright will have sex on the mound with famed hermaphrodite Lady Gaga.

6:00pm Spike
UFC Unleashed
Dudes beating the crap out of other dudes and you don’t have to pay for it. Enjoy.

7:00pm Speed Channel
Pinks: All Out
I’m going to list this every week based on the name alone… and like I said last week, I don’t want to know what it is. I would like to go with the image my mind conjured upon reading the title of the show. Porn is cool.

Serena Williams

Thursday June 24
7:30am ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Slovakia vs. Italy
Italy serves as the defending World Cup champs and they are coming off a surprising tie with New Zealand (according to ESPN, ranked 78th in the world). After opening with a tie against Paraguay, this match suddenly becomes much more intriguing than soccer fans might have thought. Italy came in at 5th in FIFA rankings and suddenly they are struggling to meet expectation.

(Did you see that? It was almost like I had some idea what in the hell I was talking about!)

2:30pm ESPN2
Wimbledon, The Championships
More tennis… it’s a slow day for sports.

5:30pm ESPN
2010 NBA Draft
This will be fun to watch for about… nevermind. It won’t be fun. At all. The only way I’ll be proven wrong would be if Minnesota shocked the world and traded some of their picks (they have two in both the first and second rounds) to get up in the order, but unless it’s for John Wall… who cares?

9:35pm Telemundo
Titulares y Mas
This time I am NOT kidding… I have this on the DVR season pass. Consider this: the Wikipedia page for this show suggests it is the Mexican version of “Best Damn Sports Show”. One major difference… they dump all the annoying dudes with hot Mexican poon. The Mexicans do television better, in every way, shape and form. Two words: Lorena Rojas. Off to Google you go.

Ana Ivanovic

Friday June 25
3:30am ESPN3.com
Australian Rules Football – St. Kilda vs. Geelong Cats
Rugby… it’s UFC with a ball and without the cage, gloves, teeth, and drug testing.

(Do they have drug testing in MMA? I would hope not, but I’m betting they do.)

5:30am Versus
Sports Soup
Just wanted to remind this show is there to be watched… it’s not too bad and certainly ranks as one of the best non-NHL offerings you’ll find on Versus.

2:00pm WGN
MLB Baseball: Chicago Cubs vs. Chicago White Sox
I love everything Chicago except the White Sox, but if we are lucky we will witness another classic Ozzie Guillen profanity-laced tirade. THAT is about the only thing that gets me to the tube for baseball these days. That and Minka Kelly.

5:00pm ESPN
NBA Fastbreak 2010 Free Agent Roundtable
There is no reason to believe this show won’t top the televised NBA Draft by a wide margin in terms of interest, ratings, and pertinent information. There are so many quality free agents to be found this year that this show, filling one hour of the ESPN schedule, could be the last true shot of entertainment basketball fans get until the start of next season. Unfortunately I am guessing nearly every one of those top free agents stays with their teams. Dwyane Wade should return home to Chicago, Chris Bosh should move to Dallas or Atlanta, Joe Johnson should take his ass out west, and LeBron should start his own league. NONE of that will happen. Money talks and all of these players can be paid significantly more money by their current teams. That’s life in the big city.

5:00pm Versus
NHL Draft
Don’t be surprised if you flip through and mistake this for the National Spelling Bee. The bulk of the kids taken early in this draft will be fresh of earning driving permits and may be too freaked out by the new hair growing down there to show for pictures. The NHL is a league for kids and the top talents in this year’s crop of rookies will be as fresh faced as any you will see cashing professional sports checks this year. I will say this… unlike the NBA, these kids will have a chance to make a difference in rapid fashion if they are any good at all.

Saturday June 26
7:30am ESPN3.com
2010 FIFA World Cup (in German)
No idea who is playing but the broadcast is in German. That alone could make this as entertaining as any soccer match of the week.

(I’m done with the futbol/soccer shit… I’m an ugly American and proud of it, and its soccer. Until someone is put on death’s doorstep by playing this game I’m not calling it futbol again… and no, getting shot by your neighbors because you let a goal get by does NOT count.)

1:00pm NBC
Track and Field: US Outdoor Championships
It’s nice of NBC to get into the sports market this week with an offering absolutely no one will watch. It’s in Iowa, so with any luck you might catch someone dying in the fucking insane midwest humidity.

1:30pm ESPN
NASCAR Nationwide Series at New Hampshire
Couldn’t get out of the week without tradin’ paint… but New Hampshire? Racing is racing so we’ll take it.

4:00pm ESPNU
BCS Championship Game: Alabama vs. Texas
God I miss football.

5:00pm Versus
Tour de France Preview
I’ll give you the Cliff Notes version. There will be a bunch of really skinny dudes riding bikes through the mountains. It will drag on for weeks. Lance Armstrong will be there and he will challenge for the win, and he’ll be a dick throughout.

(Seriously… I know he does great work and is an inspiration for cancer survivors everywhere. He’s also a total asshole.)

10:00pm Spike
UFC 113: Machida vs. Shogun 2 from Montreal
This is a replay of the pay-per-view night from May 8th… I don’t want to spoil it if you haven’t seen it yet (which is hard to believe, but you never know). I will say this: if you are coming in for the main event, you better bring your ass in early. It doesn’t last long.

10:00pm USA
Dew Tour: Skate Open
I just wanted to mention that USA is televising sports. It’s skateboarding, but that counts.

Maria Kirilenko

Sunday June 27
3:30am ESPN2
Wimbledon, The Championships
We push on with coverage of tennis on grass and at this point I hope I am, too… I can’t imagine any other way to watch the early rounds of Wimbledon. Get a vaporizer and a box of Twinkies and watch these idiots run all day long. As you’ve noticed by our pics, you may find it more appealing than you would guess. By the way, coverage picks up on NBC at 9:00am where Dick Enberg will turn it into a gruesome and pornographic broadcast as he goes into excruciating detail on the sweaty kids and how the handsome young boys of tennis are really taking hold of sport and how excited he is to watch it all. This is why the heavens invented the iPod. You don’t have to listen to him.

12:00pm ABC
2010 FIFA World Cup
We won’t know who is playing in this game until later in the week… not that it would make any difference anyway.

12:00pm Fox
Maloof Money Cup (Skateboarding)
The owners of the Dallas Mavericks and The Palm in Vegas, the Maloofs have put a sizable imprint on the world of sports by creating the richest skateboarding competition in the industry. It’s become one of their most prized possessions and promises to be one of the most entertaining events of the week…. at least if you like skateboarding. I believe I read a report indicating Olympic snowboarder Shaun White will be on hand in his return to competitive skateboarding and this will be the first year the tourney travels east to Flushing Meadows in New York. Again, it’s not likely to register with many sports fans but it will be one of the more intriguing offerings of the week.

1:00pm CBS
PGA Tour: Travelers Championship (Final Round)
With the bulk of the world’s best golfers enjoying rest after the US Open at Pebble Beach, you are probably safe skipping the first three rounds of this tourney to come in for the fourth and final set on Sunday. There aren’t too many big names in this field but we’ve reached the peak of the PGA season in terms of conditions and competition. And if comes down to it, you won’t find a better nap aid on the tube than the Travelers.

6:00pm ESPN
Sunday Night Baseball – New York Yankees vs. Los Angeles Dodgers
The only thing worse than baseball is baseball with teams from New York and Los Angeles. Two of the most bloated budgets in professional sports will engage in battle of dick grabbing, seed spitting (wish someone in the dugout would grow some balls and bring dip back as the dugout condiment of choice), and time wasting like you have never seen. I figure, for a three-game (a modest estimate), you’ll see this bunch tugging nuts and stretching to the tune of about $10k per minute. For that cost, we’ll enjoy the 20 minutes of true action and call it a week.