Monday M-Ass ~ June 7
As we sit on a Sunday that welcomes three of the four majors to the television schedule (the NBA Finals, the Stanley Cup, and baseball just being baseball) as well as some intriguing action from peripheral distractions (tennis wrapped play on their first major of the season on Sunday morning with Rafael Nadal taking his fifth French Open trophy… shocker, I know), we ponder the week and ahead and find that each and every day offers an opportunity to worship at the alter of sports.
Thus we bring this week’s edition of Monday M-Ass, where all worship in one way or another.
Last week we paid homage to the oncoming FIFA World Cup via visual aid. This week, with an overflowing plate of televised sports offerings from all around the globe, I would like to honor my personal list of sideline attractions from the vast universe of sports entertainment… starting with my vision of choice for must-see TV, Shana Hiatt (pictured above). She was once the host of NBC’s “Poker After Dark” (what I wouldn’t give to), serving for the first two season (they have been through two more since… Marianela Pereyra and Leeann Tweeden). I canceled the DVR season pass as a result (nothing against the other girls… I’m just biased). Follow her on Twitter today and she’s still heavily involved in the poker scene, and that’s good enough for me.
How ’bout we start it off right… with another fav?
(All times listed are Eastern Standard Time.)
Monday June 7
2010 Scripps National Spelling Bee (Replay)
– Just in case you missed it live last week… is there a reason they refuse to replay this on ESPN Deportes? That shit is RACIST man.
Mike Francesa Show
– This guy is such a turd… and he gets FIVE AND A HALF HOURS every day on this station. You can’t watch porn for five consecutive hours (you can, but be honest… you only need about 10-15 minutes). You can’t smoke week for five consecutive hours (again, you can… you get the job done in the first 30 minutes… it would be nice if someone informed Phish). You would probably need heavy doses of both to get through five hours of listen-to-me-give-Derek-Jeter-a-verbal-blowjob sports radio.
Whacked Out Sports
Schaap One on One – Tom Henrich
NCAA Baseball Regionals
Monday Night Baseball: San Diego Padres vs Philadelphia Phillies
– Just in case you’d rather douche than watch the college kids… the Pads have been surprisingly competitive this season and you may luck out and see Cole Hamels’ wife eating a hot dog (he’s schedule to take the mound for Philly).
Tuesday June 8
5:00am ESPN Classic
SportsCentury: Bobby Hull
– Having just watched the mighty Blackhawks take Game 5 of the series (now up 3-2), it seems wise to gather all of the opportunities to witness Chicago hockey that you can. Praise the City with Big Shoulders.
11:00am ESPN Deportes
Futbol Internacional – France vs. China
– I know the passionate soccer fans of the world’s Hispanic community, watching ESPN Deportes, are wet with the anticipation that can only be found watching the world’s least-coordinated race taking on history’s punching bag.
International Soccer – Spain vs. Poland
– To clarify, France versus China, two populations that couldn’t be less like our Hispanic brothers, will be on Deportes while Spain versus Poland is played for the gringos on the Deuce. To be fair it may be that France and China are true powers in the world of soccer (fuck if I would know)… I sincerely doubt it since France has NEVER won anything of worth and China has dedicated their performance-enhancing drug regiment to the “women’s” gymnastic team. But you never know.
Indiana Campus Programming: Talking Sports – Heroes, Hype & Truth
NBA Finals Game 3 – Los Angeles Lakers vs. Boston Celtics
College Football Live
– A friendly public service reminder that one of the true gems of sports entertainment is just around the corner. Spring practices are in the books and Beano Cook should be up and running in no time.
– This is the only description you’ll find noted in the online schedule from the Worldwide Leader. “MLB”… you would think they will be showing professional baseball (though NONE of the games on the schedule are tabbed for ESPN programming) so who knows what in the hell they’ll be showing. I know it WON’T be Angela Sun bravely attempting to circumcise hammerhead sharks, so why should we give a shit?
Classic World Cup: 1994 First Round – USA vs Columbia
– Here’s a wonderful primer for the oncoming World Cup experience. It’s also a great excuse to kill a Native American after dipping your face in a Tony Montana-sized pile of coke.
NHL Stanley Cup Finals Game 6 – Chicago Blackhawks vs. Philadelphia Flyers
– The mighty Blackhawks have an opportunity to close it out, and if they do, the lustful fans of Chicago won’t be burning the town to the ground despite waiting 50 years for the moment. That’s a Detroit thing (and encouraged to improve aesthetics and morale).
Thursday June 10
2010 FIFA World Cup Preview
– This is THE event of the year, and that is why ESPN has dedicated this illustrious preview to their flagship station rather than shoving it to some secondary channel some of you might not even get. Wait… well, the preview will be replayed at 5pm and certainly THAT will be on ESPN, right?
2010 FIFA World Cup Kick-Off Celebration Concert
– The world’s preeminent sports challenge will open with a celebration of music from all around the globe. Many of the artists listed may not ring a bell for American viewers, but I guarantee NOTHING will get you ready for the war of international soccer like John Legend and Alicia Keys. Once it’s over you can schedule a pap smear or maybe you could watch The Notebook again.
St. Jude Classic – Round 1
5:00pm ESPN Classic
30 for 30: Run Ricky Run
– Easily the BEST edition of this series from the Worldwide Leader. How the Sports Guy got Sean Pamphilon and Royce Toni to give this stuff up is beyond me… this is a film the Ocho did not deserve (though the series has been worth every single praise earned).
NBA Finals Game 4 – Los Angeles Lakers vs. Boston Celtics
– Any chance we could con Hubie Brown into asking Kobe, on air, for tips on anal sex? What would be funnier: him asking or Kobe answering?
Ultimate Fighting Championship
– I realized I failed to mention a single MMA offering last week and felt horrible about it. I’m not entirely sure what this show is but it lasts two hours. It’s slim pickings for stuff to watch today so two hours of someone beating the living shit out of someone else, no matter how it is or where it is or why, works for me.
Friday June 11
Best & Worst of Tred Barta (Hunting)
– I’m only interested in the “worst” on this one.
Australian Rules Football – North Melbourne vs Carlton
– We don’t have real football. The international crowd gets their “football” and I don’t want the best island in the world to go without.
2010 FIFA World Cup – South Africa vs. Mexico
– And thus is begins, and while I’m not a soccer fan, I can tell this matchup carries some weight. The Mexicans in my ‘hood play soccer all day long (get a fuckin’ job, eh?) and South Africa is the host country. It should be a prime opportunity to set the tone.
NCAA Baseball Super Regionals
– Just a reminder the ping of aluminum death can be heard throughout the week. This will be on the Deuce until 4pm and then it gets picked up by the flagship at 5.
World Cup Primetime
– I have no clue what this is but I’m hoping it’s Neon Deion Sanders (get it… Primetime) joined by good friend Michael Irvin, breaking down soccer action and which country produces the best hookers and coke. Dare to dream my friends… dare to dream.
2010 FIFA World Cup Kick-Off Celebration Concert
– Know what’s better than seeing the Soweto Children’s Choir LIVE in concert in the middle of the day on ESPN2? Seeing it again 18 hours later on primetime network television.
7:00pm YES Network
Houston Astros vs. New York Yankees
– I can name every player on the Yankees and I hate them. Lance Berkman is the only member of the Astros that comes to mind… does Roy Oswalt still pitch for ’em? Is Craig Biggio still at second? Did anyone ever cleanup that dog-shit mound out there in center?
8:00pm ESPN Classic
Schaap One on One: Kareem
– I noted the joy of watching folks smoke and drink on TV when we mentioned this iconic show earlier… the best thing about this one with Kareen? Dick Schaap makes the Giant reenact the entire fight scene against Bruce Lee from “Tower of Terror” after eight highballs. Remember highballs?
Saturday June 12
2010 FIFA World Cup – Korea Republic vs. Greece
– I’m sorry… every time I think of the Koreans I can’t stop running scenes from “Team America” in my head. And Greece… they eat their food, throw it up, and eat it again. I might DVR this based on that alone.
2010 FIFA World Cup – Argentina vs. Nigeria
– I want to believe, with all of the unfounded and self-made stereotypes I have at my disposal, that THIS will be the game of the week. These teams probably suck but I doubt I’m off on this. Argentina and Nigeria… they HAVE to be good at soccer, right? What the hell else would they be good at? Gross homoerotic orgy sex and fly farming?
2010 FIFA World Cup – England vs. United States
– HELL YEAH. In case you don’t remember, we had a war to get these fuckers OUTTA HERE! Now it’s time for the royal family to take it up the chute once again, and it’s a long time comin’… this is history, bitches. This is for Benjamin Martin, The Office, and the American dude Harry Potter killed (no clue if that’s true… I’m on a roll). Put that in Gulliver.
NASCAR Nationwide Series at Kentucky
– Here’s what I know about NASCAR. (1) It’s wildly popular with folks down south, and they love football, so I want to believe they are on to something. (2) Jimmie Johnson is young, without helmet hair or erectile dysfunction, and he kicks ass. (3) Tony Stewart is seems really, really cool. (4) Danica Patrick won’t win just like she doesn’t win in open wheel because she’s a woman. Those are all reasons to tune in and this was the only pertinent NASCAR note I could find on the broadcast schedule this week.
World Extreme Cagefighting
– No clue, but I’m hoping there are tacks, aluminum chairs, and flying elbows. This CANNOT be bad, right?
Sunday June 13
(Ed.Note: I’m not going to comment on every damn World Cup game… watch some soccer.)
2010 FIFA World Cup – Algeria vs. Slovakia
2010 FIFA World Cup – Serbia vs. Ghana
2010 FIFA World Cup – Germany vs. Australia
Sunday Night Baseball – Chicago White Sox vs Chicago Cubs
– The Battle for the Windy City… Obama’s Wet Dream (actually, I hear that’s a pack of Marlboro Reds and Season 3 of “The Wire”)… more than anything, it marks the arrival of the latest Ozzie Guillen profanity-laced tirade, and that’s ALWAYS good watchin’.
NBA Finals Game 5 – Los Angeles Lakers vs. Boston Celtics
– For the love of all that is holy…
Enjoy the week. Worship early and often.