Monday M-Ass ~ June 7

Shana Hiatt

In one way or another...

As we sit on a Sunday that welcomes three of the four majors to the television schedule (the NBA Finals, the Stanley Cup, and baseball just being baseball) as well as some intriguing action from peripheral distractions (tennis wrapped play on their first major of the season on Sunday morning with Rafael Nadal taking his fifth French Open trophy… shocker, I know), we ponder the week and ahead and find that each and every day offers an opportunity to worship at the alter of sports.

Thus we bring this week’s edition of Monday M-Ass, where all worship in one way or another.

Last week we paid homage to the oncoming FIFA World Cup via visual aid. This week, with an overflowing plate of televised sports offerings from all around the globe, I would like to honor my personal list of sideline attractions from the vast universe of sports entertainment… starting with my vision of choice for must-see TV, Shana Hiatt (pictured above). She was once the host of NBC’s “Poker After Dark” (what I wouldn’t give to), serving for the first two season (they have been through two more since… Marianela Pereyra and Leeann Tweeden). I canceled the DVR season pass as a result (nothing against the other girls… I’m just biased). Follow her on Twitter today and she’s still heavily involved in the poker scene, and that’s good enough for me.

How ’bout we start it off right… with another fav?

Angela Sun

Angela Sun, Yahoo! Sports Minute


(All times listed are Eastern Standard Time.)

Monday June 7
11:00am ESPNU
2010 Scripps National Spelling Bee (Replay)
– Just in case you missed it live last week… is there a reason they refuse to replay this on ESPN Deportes? That shit is RACIST man.

1:00pm YES Network
Mike Francesa Show
– This guy is such a turd… and he gets FIVE AND A HALF HOURS every day on this station. You can’t watch porn for five consecutive hours (you can, but be honest… you only need about 10-15 minutes). You can’t smoke week for five consecutive hours (again, you can… you get the job done in the first 30 minutes… it would be nice if someone informed Phish). You would probably need heavy doses of both to get through five hours of  listen-to-me-give-Derek-Jeter-a-verbal-blowjob sports radio.

2:30pm Versus
Whacked Out Sports
– I had hoped this would be some form of original sex-laden sports programming… like “Shark Circumcision with Angela Sun” or “Throwing Cards at Shana Hiatt’s Naked Ass”… but alas, it amounts to a half-ass bloopers show. Still… what else are you going to watch at 2:30pm on a Monday?

5:00pm ESPN Classic
Schaap One on One – Tom Henrich
– This may not appeal to many of you kids but trust me when I say (a) Dick Schaap is the greatest sports writer that ever lived and any passionate sports fan would be wise to absorb any and all of his offerings, (b) these shows were fuckin’ awesome because the guests could openly drink and smoke, and they ALL did… the good ol’ days, and (c) the world of sports today would benefit SO MUCH from a return to this format and you’ll understand why after enjoying one of these shows with a happy-hour cocktail.

5:00pm ESPNU
NCAA Baseball Regionals
– See, this is baseball played by guys who give a shit. There aren’t too many from the college ranks destined for professional ball these days (if you showcase any talent at all, you spend your youth in the minors) and they all know the ping of that aluminum bat could be the last sound they hear before suffering a lethal line drive to the head. It’s all or nothing for these boys and none of ’em are making dinner plans with the other team for after the game. The pussies of the MLB should take notes. You can follow the brackets as it all unfolds here. Roll Tide (they have no shot).

5:00pm ESPN
Monday Night Baseball: San Diego Padres vs Philadelphia Phillies
– Just in case you’d rather douche than watch the college kids… the Pads have been surprisingly competitive this season and you may luck out and see Cole Hamels’ wife eating a hot dog (he’s schedule to take the mound for Philly).

Ines Sainz

Ines Sainz, Soccer for TV Azteca

Tuesday June 8
5:00am ESPN Classic
SportsCentury: Bobby Hull
– Having just watched the mighty Blackhawks take Game 5 of the series (now up 3-2), it seems wise to gather all of the opportunities to witness Chicago hockey that you can. Praise the City with Big Shoulders.

11:00am ESPN Deportes
Futbol Internacional – France vs. China
– I know the passionate soccer fans of the world’s Hispanic community, watching ESPN Deportes, are wet with the anticipation that can only be found watching the world’s least-coordinated race taking on history’s punching bag.

1:50pm ESPN2
International Soccer – Spain vs. Poland
– To clarify, France versus China, two populations that couldn’t be less like our Hispanic brothers, will be on Deportes while Spain versus Poland is played for the gringos on the Deuce. To be fair it may be that France and China are true powers in the world of soccer (fuck if I would know)… I sincerely doubt it since France has NEVER won anything of worth and China has dedicated their performance-enhancing drug regiment to the “women’s” gymnastic team. But you never know.

5:00pm Big Ten Network
Indiana Campus Programming: Talking Sports – Heroes, Hype & Truth
– It may seem odd, but trust me… have you ever seen the girls at IU? Every Midwest college student should make a visit to the Land o’ Hoosiers for Little 5 weekend at least once. Again, just trust me… IU is like the oasis in the sexual desert that is the Big Ten.

7:00pm ABC
NBA Finals Game 3 – Los Angeles Lakers vs. Boston Celtics
– Nice of the NBA to join the party… GAME 3?!?! The playoffs started a month ago. At least it gives Rajon Rondo an opportunity to squeeze in a quick visit to his home planet.

Wednesday June 9
1:30pm ESPN
College Football Live
– A friendly public service reminder that one of the true gems of sports entertainment is just around the corner. Spring practices are in the books and Beano Cook should be up and running in no time.

5:00pm ESPN
– This is the only description you’ll find noted in the online schedule from the Worldwide Leader. “MLB”… you would think they will be showing professional baseball (though NONE of the games on the schedule are tabbed for ESPN programming) so who knows what in the hell they’ll be showing. I know it WON’T be Angela Sun bravely attempting to circumcise hammerhead sharks, so why should we give a shit?

6:30pm ESPN Classic
Classic World Cup: 1994 First Round – USA vs Columbia
– Here’s a wonderful primer for the oncoming World Cup experience. It’s also a great excuse to kill a Native American after dipping your face in a Tony Montana-sized pile of coke.

8:00pm NBC
NHL Stanley Cup Finals Game 6 – Chicago Blackhawks vs. Philadelphia Flyers
– The mighty Blackhawks have an opportunity to close it out, and if they do, the lustful fans of Chicago won’t be burning the town to the ground despite waiting 50 years for the moment. That’s a Detroit thing (and encouraged to improve aesthetics and morale).
Melanie Collins 200x300

Melanie Collins, NBA TV

Thursday June 10
8:00am ESPN2
2010 FIFA World Cup Preview
– This is THE event of the year, and that is why ESPN has dedicated this illustrious preview to their flagship station rather than shoving it to some secondary channel some of you might not even get. Wait… well, the preview will be replayed at 5pm and certainly THAT will be on ESPN, right?

12:00pm ESPN2
2010 FIFA World Cup Kick-Off Celebration Concert
– The world’s preeminent sports challenge will open with a celebration of music from all around the globe. Many of the artists listed may not ring a bell for American viewers, but I guarantee NOTHING will get you ready for the war of international soccer like John Legend and Alicia Keys. Once it’s over you can schedule a pap smear or maybe you could watch The Notebook again.

3:00PM The Golf Channel
St. Jude Classic – Round 1
– Watch 16-year-old Jordan Spieth take on a field of nobodies as the real golfers of the world get ready for the US Open at Pebble Beach next week. Actually, there are some quality duffers in the mix… Ian Poulter will be there, so at least you can count on his wardrobe as a source of conversation.

5:00pm ESPN Classic
30 for 30: Run Ricky Run

– Easily the BEST edition of this series from the Worldwide Leader. How the Sports Guy got Sean Pamphilon and Royce Toni to give this stuff up is beyond me… this is a film the Ocho did not deserve (though the series has been worth every single praise earned).

7:00pm ABC
NBA Finals Game 4 – Los Angeles Lakers vs. Boston Celtics
– Any chance we could con Hubie Brown into asking Kobe, on air, for tips on anal sex? What would be funnier: him asking or Kobe answering?

7:30pm Versus
Ultimate Fighting Championship
– I realized I failed to mention a single MMA offering last week and felt horrible about it. I’m not entirely sure what this show is but  it lasts two hours. It’s slim pickings for stuff to watch today so two hours of someone beating the living shit out of someone else, no matter how it is or where it is or why, works for me.
Charissa Thompson1 195x300

Charissa Thompson, Versus NHL

Friday June 11
3:00am Versus
Best & Worst of Tred Barta (Hunting)
– I’m only interested in the “worst” on this one.

3:30am ESPN3
Australian Rules Football – North Melbourne vs Carlton
– We don’t have real football. The international crowd gets their “football” and I don’t want the best island in the world to go without.

7:30am ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – South Africa vs. Mexico
– And thus is begins, and while I’m not a soccer fan, I can tell this matchup carries some weight. The Mexicans in my ‘hood play soccer all day long (get a fuckin’ job, eh?) and South Africa is the host country. It should be a prime opportunity to set the tone.

10:00am ESPN2
NCAA Baseball Super Regionals
– Just a reminder the ping of aluminum death can be heard throughout the week. This will be on the Deuce until 4pm and then it gets picked up by the flagship at 5.

4:30pm ESPN2
World Cup Primetime
– I have no clue what this is but I’m hoping it’s Neon Deion Sanders (get it… Primetime) joined by good friend Michael Irvin, breaking down soccer action and which country produces the best hookers and coke. Dare to dream my friends… dare to dream.

6:00pm ABC
2010 FIFA World Cup Kick-Off Celebration Concert
– Know what’s better than seeing the Soweto Children’s Choir LIVE in concert in the middle of the day on ESPN2? Seeing it again 18 hours later on primetime network television.

7:00pm YES Network
Houston Astros vs. New York Yankees
– I can name every player on the Yankees and I hate them. Lance Berkman is the only member of the Astros that comes to mind… does Roy Oswalt still pitch for ’em? Is Craig Biggio still at second? Did anyone ever cleanup that dog-shit mound out there in center?

8:00pm ESPN Classic
Schaap One on One: Kareem
– I noted the joy of watching folks smoke and drink on TV when we mentioned this iconic show earlier… the best thing about this one with Kareen? Dick Schaap makes the Giant reenact the entire fight scene against Bruce Lee from “Tower of Terror” after eight highballs. Remember highballs?

Saturday June 12
5:00am ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Korea Republic vs. Greece
– I’m sorry… every time I think of the Koreans I can’t stop running scenes from “Team America” in my head. And Greece… they eat their food, throw it up, and eat it again. I might DVR this based on that alone.

7:30am ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Argentina vs. Nigeria
– I want to believe, with all of the unfounded and self-made stereotypes I have at my disposal, that THIS will be the game of the week. These teams probably suck but I doubt I’m off on this. Argentina and Nigeria… they HAVE to be good at soccer, right? What the hell else would they be good at? Gross homoerotic orgy sex and fly farming?

11:30am ABC
2010 FIFA World Cup – England vs. United States
– HELL YEAH. In case you don’t remember, we had a war to get these fuckers OUTTA HERE! Now it’s time for the royal family to take it up the chute once again, and it’s a long time comin’… this is history, bitches. This is for Benjamin Martin, The Office, and the American dude Harry Potter killed (no clue if that’s true… I’m on a roll). Put that in Gulliver.

6:00pm ESPN
NASCAR Nationwide Series at Kentucky
– Here’s what I know about NASCAR. (1) It’s wildly popular with folks down south, and they love football, so I want to believe they are on to something. (2) Jimmie Johnson is young, without helmet hair or erectile dysfunction, and he kicks ass. (3) Tony Stewart is seems really, really cool. (4) Danica Patrick won’t win just like she doesn’t win in open wheel because she’s a woman. Those are all reasons to tune in and this was the only pertinent NASCAR note I could find on the broadcast schedule this week.

10:00pm Versus
World Extreme Cagefighting
– No clue, but I’m hoping there are tacks, aluminum chairs, and flying elbows. This CANNOT be bad, right?

Heidi Watney 560x955

Heidi Watney, NESN

Sunday June 13

(Ed.Note: I’m not going to comment on every damn World Cup game… watch some soccer.)

5:00am ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Algeria vs. Slovakia

7:30am ESPN
2010 FIFA World Cup – Serbia vs. Ghana

12:00pm ABC
2010 FIFA World Cup – Germany vs. Australia

6:00pm ESPN
Sunday Night Baseball – Chicago White Sox vs Chicago Cubs
– The Battle for the Windy City… Obama’s Wet Dream (actually, I hear that’s a pack of Marlboro Reds and Season 3 of “The Wire”)… more than anything, it marks the arrival of the latest Ozzie Guillen profanity-laced tirade, and that’s ALWAYS good watchin’.

6:00pm ABC
NBA Finals Game 5 – Los Angeles Lakers vs. Boston Celtics
– For the love of all that is holy…


Enjoy the week. Worship early and often.