Movies That Demonstrate Zoophilia

Going back through the history of literature and cinema, you’ll find a hell of a lot of stories focusing on a deep relationship between a human and an animal. Be it The Call of the Wild or The Red Pony or even Gentle Ben.

GentleBenAK

Ok, maybe he didn’t have an AK47, but let’s be honest, that would have been awesome.

It’s never hard to find a man/animal love story. What makes one noteworthy is when the idea shifts from a man riding a horse to a man wanting to ride his horse, if you know what I mean. I’m talking about the stories where there is clearly a romantic/sexual tension between two species that just doesn’t belong. Such a relationship – the romantic and/or sexual relationship between species – is referred to as zoophilia. Here are a few movies that demonstrate that kind of relationship:

Beauty and the Beast

It’s the classic “princess and the frog” type story – Belle, the beautiful peasant, goes to a hidden castle and is trapped in the castle by a mysterious beast (realistic, right?). She stays there for a while, and despite his fiendish looks, she comes to understand and eventually love him. Then he turns into a human. Wait, what?

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Yep, light shoots out of his hand and BAM – he’s human. Remind me not to do a review of Pinocchio.

Never mind. That’s not the important part. The important part is that without knowing his true form, the lady falls in love with the furry and fanged quadruped while trapped in his castle. Also the furniture and cutlery can dance and the tea cups talk. The lesson to the kids is if you have a strong emotional bond with an animal, that animal will transform into a strong and well-built king and you’ll live happily ever, etc. I think. Also some fine lysergic acid might be required.

– King Kong

King Kong is my third favorite Kong, behind Donkey and Hong.

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But that doesn’t mean I don’t think that a cross-over would be hilarious.

The premise of the movie is an ex-vaudeville actress gets hired by a failing director to star in a movie written by a successful playwright. Why the successful playwright jumped on that bandwagon of winners is beyond me.

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Maybe because he wanted to bone Naomi Watts.

So they go sail across the ocean to an unknown island, which, after they have disembarked and begun to explore, turns out to be infested with cannibals and unholy monsters of all sorts. Ann, the ex-vaudeville actress and writer’s love interest, is kidnapped by a giant gorilla named King Kong. Kong takes her to his lair and she somehow teaches him to understand the significance of sign language in a day.

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Quick! Someone call Jane Goodall!

The director finds Kong’s lair, knocks him out with chloroform, and brings him back to New York to put him on a stage and bill him as the eighth world wonder. Kong gets pissed off because Ann isn’t there and busts out to find her, eventually finding her and scaling the Empire State Building with her, making one of the most well-known visuals in cinematic history.

All that is nice and all, but one has to question why Kong, a 40- to 50-foot tall gorilla, has such an obsession with this one woman. More over, you have to wonder why, after he destroys an entire street, she approaches him without fear of harm. What I assume, which is the only realistic option, is that there is some sort of weird romantic relationship there, which leads to the next question, which is whether or not King Kong understands the mechanics of sex?

– Any Romantic Comedy with Sarah Jessica Parker in it

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Zing!

Avatar

For those of you who haven’t seen Avatar, don’t worry, because James Cameron has found a new low in movie production – rereleasing a movie in theaters one year later. If you are in the category of people who haven’t seen this movie, come back once you have and we can continue this discussion.

Now, the sexual undertones in Avatar are most certainly there, but they take some investigation to find. As our main character, Jake, is introduced to the Avatar world, he finds that he can fly one of these bad boys (called an “ikran”) around:

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Hey look, a zero-emissions vehicle!

As long as he tames one of them. In order to tame it, he must wrestle it to the ground and connect his “queue” to that of the animal, which looks like this:

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According to the Avatar script posted on IMDb, this action was written as: “They flop to the ground and he scrambles on top, pinning it and — grabs its whipping antenna, locks it under his arm, and jams the end of his queue into it. They fuse together and — the banshee stops struggling.”

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All copyright abuses to the Blue Man Group aside, I’m offended by Avatar’s use of the term “queue,” given its ugly history.

All of this business about queue molestation, while downright creepy, is tastefully directed and comes off as what is intended – the birth of a mental and physical bond. The way you read that should change, though, after you read the script for the very real sex scene that wasn’t in the original film:

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Holy shit. What?

Given this new information, it becomes clear that the process of catching and taming an ikran is actually an act of copulation. After learning this movie is about a guy having sex with birds, I decided it’s probably illegal to watch Avatar in the state I live.

The Muppets Movies

If you didn’t watch The Muppets television show or movies at one point in your life then you can get the hell out of my country. The Muppets, Jim Henson’s masterpiece, are the reason that I at an early age decided to become an asshole, because I saw some clips of Statler and Waldorf:

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This is who I want to be when I grow up.

The most memorable character from The Muppets was Kermit the Frog. Most notable because of how much he sounded like Ray Romano, Kermit the Frog was the host for The Muppet Show, keeping the show running and serving as the love interest of Ms. Piggy, which is where we come in.

kermit and piggy

Yeah, I wouldn’t hit that, either.

Recently, The Muppet Show was banned in Saudi Arabia because of the romantic relationship between Ms. Piggy and Kermit, and the fact that Ms. Piggy is a pig and the Saudis hate swine. They’re really harshing Jim Henson’s posthumous buzz.

Sam Weber

I'm a stand-up comedian based out of San Francisco. Come to my shows and buy me a beer, why doncha?

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