Oil, Oil Everywhere- Or: Why We Need Superman


Even though I tout wholeheartedly my belief that anything we can do to the Earth can, and will, ultimately be repaired by the planet itself, it still makes my soul shudder ever so slightly when I hear that a massive string of human error is the reason why four million gallons of oil have now turned the Gulf of Mexico into a giant bottle of nasty-ass salad dressing. See, the trouble with humans is that they’re inherently stupid and love to rush through things before complete- hey look, a bird! Where was I? Oh, right: Humanity=lazy stupid shits. So it really comes as no surprise that the reason why eleven people are dead and a useless hulk of concrete and piping still sits in the ocean hemorrhaging crude into the ecosystem is the fault of people. Yeah, this is why we need President Obama to call Superman.


Before I go on, read this: Yahoo. See what I mean? If we just had Superman, we’d have nothing to worry about. Seriously! Superman has a vast array of powers at his disposal that could be easily put to use ridding the ocean of not only that pesky oil spill, but the rig, and even the ability to turn the Earth back on its axis thereby resetting time to before this nonsense even occurred and then punch the offending parties square on the chin. Superman could easily freeze the oil, maybe scoop it up with his immense strength, and like lob it into space and then ignite it with his heat vision… oil gone! Then, he’d twist the rig into a ball of rubble while simultaneously plugging the leaking hole and, bada bing: problem solved! I know what you’re thinking: “But why not Aqua Man? Doesn’t he have marine powers and the ability to contact the aid of various sea life?” Yes, but Aqua Man sucks.

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Alas, unfortunately, Superman is but a comic creation and thereby not a reality. So, instead, how about we get a hold of some less stupid people to FIX THEIR FUCKING MISTAKES! Okay, enough Soap Box.