The Oscars in 500 Words

84thoscars header 560x315The pomp, the pageantry, the self-aggrandizing, the tears, the dresses, my lord, the DRESSES. The 84th Academy Awards, or Oscars if you’re into that whole brevity thing, are mercifully in the books. As expected, there were zero surprises, unless you count Meryl Streep winning Best Actress as an upset, which it wasn’t. Just in case you were doing something of real importance, like yelling at the The Walking Dead for not leaving the farm, penning a new world order manifesto or exfoliating your grandmother’s feet, I took the liberty of compiling an abridged version of the night’s festivities. Here’s the Oscars in 500 words.

  • Billy Crystal did another of his nauseating famous song and dance numbers. I’d rather vomit blood for two hours straight than watch it again.
  • Gandalf won the first award of the night, Best Cinematography for Hugo. Then he raised his staff, yelled something in Elvish, and killed Christian Bale. At least that’s how I remember it.
  • Crystal made a threesome joke involving Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz. It was cheap and tawdry and ABC should be ashamed for airing it uncensored.
  • Hearing Albert Nobbs spoken aloud made me giggle for the 135th time.
  • Diddy in da house, yo.

Five carats on my hands wit the cuts.

  • Sandra Bullock spoke Nazi fluently.
  • Nick Nolte looked like he was, a) just released from rehab, or b) on his way to rehab. But he’s looked like that since 1985, so no big deal.
  • Octavia Spencer won for Best Supporting Actress to Bake a Shit Pie.
  • Editors make terrible public speakers. Just sayin.’
  • At the one-hour mark, I drank a Twinkie and Butterfinger smoothie. I haven’t slept since.
  • Is it wrong that I was pulling for one of the Cirque du Soleil trapeze artists to fall?
  • Emma Stone was dressed like the Christmas gift I’ve wanted my whole life but never received.
  • Christopher Plummer is Canadian? I did not know that. Anyway, he won for playing an aging homosexual dying of cancer. In his next role he’ll play an aging transvestite dying of osteoporosis.
  • Angelina Jolie has successfully morphed into a hole cleaning brush.
wire brush2

Mrs. Pitt.

  • Dick size jokes are the best. Especially when Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph are telling them.
  • Frenchy won Best Director. Somewhere, Pepé Le Pew stopped raping a cat, bowed in tribute, then resumed raping.
  • Gary Oldman didn’t win Best Actor. Hey Stansfield, who thinks this is bullshit?

  • The streep is over. MERYL WON. MERYL WON. MERYL WON.
  • The Artist is your 2011 Best Picture. And the ghost of Buster Keaton shed a single tear.

That’s a wrap, folks. Next year, I propose the ceremony be moved to Santa Anita Park, where each of the categories will be decided by the ponies. Imagine all the nominees screaming like drunken degenerates. That would kick so much ass. You’re welcome, Academy.