Other Guarantees Made by DeSean Jackson

desean header 560x357Full disclosure: I am a Philadelphia Eagles fan… alright, you can stop laughing now. I get it, they suck. Ha-ha, the “Dream Team” flopped. Okay, you’ve had your fun. Can I continue, please? Thank you. As I was– hey, who threw the Kevin Kolb jersey? Was it you in the back? Not cool, bro. Someone could have suffocated from the stench of failure.

Anyway, the Eagles, who aren’t exactly ignorant of selfish wide receivers who pout and point fingers, rewarded little man behaving badly DeSean Jackson with a 5-year, $51 million contract on Wednesday. And to no one’s surprise, Jackson’s first order of business as a newly contracted millionaire was to open his mouth and say something stupid.

He “guaranteed” the Eagles will win a Super Bowl in the next five years. Ugh. Even Vince Young thought that was a bold statement. Listen, guarantees are like assholes nowadays. They carry little to no weight — unless uttered by a problem child like DeSean. Then they become immediate media fodder — like a pack of hyenas descending on a wounded water buffalo.

Rather than drop my jaw and pound my fists, I’ve decided to take the high road. Here are some other guarantees made my Mr. Jackson.

  • He guarantees to skip at least two special teams meetings next season.
  • He guarantees to not go over the middle in road games.
  • He guarantees to drop three easy touchdowns per season for the next five years.
  • He guarantees to be flagged for taunting only when playing the Giants and Cowboys.
  • He guarantees to catch fewer passes than Jeremy Maclin in each of the next five seasons.
  • He guarantees he won’t bitch and moan when LeSean McCoy gets a bigger contract.
  • He guarantees to learn more than just the 9 route.
  • He guarantees to disappear for long stretches during the season.
  • He guarantees to work on his pass catching when he’s not busy doing other stuff.
  • He guarantees that guaranteeing the Eagles will win a Super Bowl won’t be the last idiotic guarantee he makes.

I like DeSean, I really do. I just wish he’d drop the prima donna crap. It’s unbecoming.