Pizzas More Likely to Make You a Fatass

Sure, we know pizza is colossally unhealthy.  This is why we love it so, especially when it’s paired with beer.  That’s the entire idea of eating pizza, that it’s a pleasurable experience that in no way is healthy for you.

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Health food and fun are mutually exclusive.

But since you probably want to get at least a rough idea of how lardy you’re getting, Men’s Fitness did us the courtesy of assembling both the fattiest pies out there and a whole bunch of tips on how to eradicate the fun out of your pizza-eating experience.

Incredibly, Men’s Fitness reports, wolfing down eight slices of a bread product covered with a block of cheese and topped with half the meats in a deli case is, incredibly, fattening.  Equally unsurprisingly, the fattiest pizza all come from franchises that exist solely for you to drunkenly order from at 2am when nothing else is open.  Hence the Pizza Hut Meat-Lover’s, Papa John’s “The Meats” Pizza, Dominos “ExtravaganZZa” and apparently any pie at Uno’s fit the bill.

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What, no love for the burgerpizza?

Men’s Fitness recommends that you order vegetable toppings with a thin crust, and that you dab away the grease on the top.  They also suggest being a prissy eater in a pizza joint is somehow socially acceptable and that your friends won’t punch you in the junk for being a buzzkill.  Exactly what “men” is this magazine aimed at anyway?