One Man’s Feelings On Porn

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I once watched a porn.

Well, I tried — I watched a woman choke on a big black penis for 7 minutes and 59 seconds; she was horrified, I was pretty scared too. There’s only so much of a good thing, right?

the awkward moment Halfway through the video you’ve lost the sweet, innocent part of the brain that used to play with Lego. Those cherished memories of spending entire days devoted to building a really tall thing are now forever tainted with images of a poorly tattooed Latino woman getting plundered in every hole. That’s a fairly morbid realization to have when your forearm is tensing and your hand is clasped around the oak pipe, as you sit down to read and have a puff.

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How good is that?!

Occasionally you experience something that really hits you; some porn is so brilliant and fantastic that you chance that daring ‘download’ button, sealing the video to your wank bank for good. Then as soon as you finish, you reassess just how badly you want to watch this video again.

Thought process : “It was pretty insane, but I don’t want a trojan prancing around my laptop… If I watch this again, does that mean I’m getting too familiar with the guy? I mean, I’ve spent eight minutes staring at 10% of his junk, then 100%, then 10% again as it destroyed a vagina… Maybe I don’t need this in my life. I’ve just been thinking about dick for a while. I’m so confused, all these feelings swirling around.  Hold my shit, I need to walk around the streets and look angry for a bit.”

That’s the danger right there.

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“I’m not gay I’m not gay I’m not gay, I might be gay, I’m not gay.”

Dudes in porn, I don’t want to hear you talk or breath heavily! There’s a boundary I cross with every video; if the vessel whom I’m living my sexual fantasies through (while simultaneously making me feel bad about the size of my dagger) uses too many words, I bail. Hearing “Yeah bitch, you suck that dick!” is a giant bummer.

Then again you can click on something which originally looked fine — a woman with balls touching her chin (the norm) but four minutes into whatever you’re watching, it gets a bit extreme, a little uncomfortable (for her as well). While ramming things into every hole, the lady starts getting slapped… that dong is about five inches past the point of no return. She’s either crying, which is a very real possibility, filled with regret about kicking her mother down the stairs while throwing the V to her father as she shouts back, “I’m moving in with Jermaine,” or the brilliant “‘actor” has punctured her throat, scraped the base of her skull into her sinuses so she is now leaking baby gravy from her tear ducts.

With the sheer availability of porn now, folks need to be more secure. No one wants to have videos you beat off to exposed for anyone to see. Can you imagine a mother, friend or anyone finding out you’re into dog-fucking-Japanese-pee-porn? It’s like screwing a corpse, just unpleasant. Hide it! You can always hate yourself when you kill a prostitute at 43.

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Acting in porn : I know porn isn’t famed for its linear story or meaningful content, but there is nothing worse when you’re wrestling the one-eyed snake than a poor performance on the woman’s part. I mean, porn is fantastic, it’s the sole reason why we have no shortage of pizza delivery men, pool cleaners, maintenance folk, teachers, nurses, etc. It’s just bad luck we’ve never come into contact with any of these randy workers. Sell it to me!

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Tee-hee!

In the same way I want to believe you’re cheating on your husband; I want to believe you can’t go another second with two large members wrecking the place your future horrible shit-shoveling offspring will slip into this world from.

Also ladies, stop saying “Ay papi!”  I’m not Pit-bull, I don’t need that shit.