Reasons NOT to Move Near the Amish


The Amish have been in the news recently in a pair of interesting stories. First there was the story of a pro-Donald Trump PAC being formed specifically to target Amish voters. They call it the Amish Political Action Committee and that isn’t even the weirdest Amish story of the week. The news got even crazier when a man shared some cans of Yuengling beer with Amish teens before hitting their horse and buggy with his car.

All this talk of the Amish might spark your interest to consider moving to quaint Lancaster County, PA. If so, it’s probably because you love the smell of horse feces and men with beards and also because you make bad decisions. We’re talking about the Amish version of Compton up in here.

These simple people live in tight communities all over America but primarily in Indiana, Ohio and Pennsylvania. They don’t use cars or electricity or any of the worldly things you and we here at Gunaxin enjoy. Also, they’re super into religion and hating things that are fun. But if that didn’t dissuade you from trying to join their ranks, maybe this will…

Get Used to Driving Five MPH on Highways

The Amish, if you're not aware, shun things. In fact, they are so good at shunning things, you almost never hear the word shun unless you're talking about how good the Amish are at it. One item which they've forbidden themselves is automobiles.  They prefer horse-drawn buggies instead because, you know, they're 19th century chic.

Obviously, the car you're going to be driving goes much faster than a horse.  Actually, cars are pretty much the sole reason people don't use horses for transportation anymore. Too bad some people never read the memo. It wouldn't be so awful if there were a buggy lane, but there isn't. They use the same damn road you do. You make a right onto Double Yellow Lines Blvd.  and you're screwed.  Hope you like your 3-hour commute to work which is 1 mile away.

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Honey, let's open a glue factory.

Unfortunately for you, some Amish believe that reflective surfaces are too flashy and God will smite them for their bling. It's unfortunate because a reflective surface is the only way you would ever see their dark ass buggy at night. Imagine rushing home from those awesome outlets you moved there for but instead of a normal drive you're thrust into a real life Mario Kart with horses instead of koopas and bonnets instead of red shells. One group of Amish men were so vehement in their denial of reflective traffic triangles they went to jail instead of paying the fines for traffic violations.

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That wasn't so hard, was it?

Oh, and one last thing. Anyone is allowed to drive a buggy. And when we say anyone, we mean ten-year-olds.

You Won’t Escape Drug Peddling Bastards

In 1999, two Amish men were convicted of conspiracy to deliver cocaine. You thought you were escaping the harsh realities of the inner city for a new drug-free start in the country? Well, just like everywhere else, strict religious communities have renegades and that's exactly the sort of thing you'll have to watch out for. Between 1992 and 1998, the men in question purchased and distributed over one hundred thousand dollars worth of cocaine.

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Amish cocaine smells like muffins!

The nose candy was sold to Amish youth groups, which makes us wonder what kind of kick-ass parties they were having, but more on that later. The two men went to jail for a year for their crimes, but how did they get the drugs? A deadly motorcycle gang called the Pagans! Of course once caught the Amish men agreed to wear wires and the entire drug ring was brought down.This also makes them snitches and who wants their kids growing up around that sort of nonsense.

The worst part of the whole thing is that the men and the kids they sold the cocaine to were from the Old Amish Order, considered by many to be the most conservative sect. What are the liberal Amish doing? Massive amounts of drugs? Having all night orgies around campfires? Getting pregnant like a bunch of teenage girls trying desperately to get on MTV?

Amish Teens Do Drugs and Have Lots of Sex

"You've got to be shitting me!" is probably what you're thinking at this point, but it's true. Most Amish sects have something called Rumspringa which translates to "'running around." You see, the Amish believe that for their children to accept the simple lifestyle they need to be exposed to the outside world and all the evils therein. The Amish youth take advantage of this, hence the need for a reliable cocaine hookup.

On any Friday night, you can roll out to Amish territory and find Amish youth ranging from 16 to their mid-twenties getting ready to party. The older ones buy beer and liquor and share with the rest. Since most Amish youth have cell phones, the parties end up being well advertised, some of them drawing hundreds of people to remote fields. Joints are passed around. Crystal meth is smoked. Lines of cocaine are snorted. Hunter S. Thompson would be proud.

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Amish Girls Gone Wild!

Things are so awesome bad that around ten percent of first-born children are delivered before their parents' marriage is nine months old. Still want your kids to grow up in such an awful environment? They'd probably love it. Apparently the Amish throw the best parties. Just check out this video.

But at least you don't have to worry about gangs, right?

Gang Violence and the Amish

Obviously Amish gang violence is going to take a different turn than what you might expect outside the inner city. After all, their version of a drive-by would have to involve a horse, which can't exactly flee the scene of a crime quickly. That doesn't mean violence between rival groups doesn't exist.

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Like this except with more beard.

In 2011, several Amish men were arrested in Ohio for invading rival Amish homes and shaving the beards from men and the hair from women. Those attacked included a 13-year-old girl and a 75-year-old man. That might seem like a joke to some until one considers that losing your beard is a terrible degradation to an Amish man. At least, for once, people can't blame rap music.

The concept of gang violence among the Amish is even the subject of a reality show on Discovery, Amish Mafia. Amazingly it's been on television for 4 seasons, and it's one of many Amish themed shows that have hit cable in recent years.


If you want to move your family to Amish-land, don't expect them to be perfect. You'll have to deal with the same things you'd have to deal with anywhere else, except everyone will be wearing really adorable hats. The point is, Amish are people just like anyone else. No better, no worse. Just make sure to buy soap strong enough to wash away the stench.