Rex Ryan’s Weekly Activity Guide During the Lockout

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As we creep toward month number five of the ongoing NFL Lockout, fans and football aficionados are beginning to come to terms with the possibility the upcoming season will be at the very least, delayed. As billionaires argue with millionaires over dollar signs and decimal points, players and coaches are filling the time normally occupied by pigskin projects with other types of activities. Gunaxin spies were able to get their greasy paws on a copy of Jets head coach Rex Ryan’s weekly calendar. By the look of things, it would seem Rexy is surviving just fine in the absence of football.

Sunday: Smell flowers in Central Park

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Little known fact about Rex: the man loves the scent of fresh flowers. To take his mind off the stress of a shortened 2011 season, he enjoys strolling through Central Park sampling the olfactory delights of pink and purple petunias.

Monday: Prank call Bill Belichick

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Ring, Ring, Ring

Belichick: Hello.

Ryan: Is there a Hugh Jass there I can speak to?

Belichick: Who?

Ryan: Hugh Jass.

Belichick: Sorry, there’s no Hugh Jass here.

Ryan: Are you sure?

Belichick: Yeah, I don’t know a Hugh Jass.

Ryan: snickers

Belichick: Wait, is this Rex? You son-of-a-bitch!

Ryan hangs up phone

Tuesday: Work on Lombardi Trophy Butter Sculpture

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In lieu of an actual Vince Lombardi Trophy, Rex is carving a life-sized replica completely out of butter. When finished, he hopes to enter it in the 2011 Royal Butter Sculpture Competition held annually at the Royal Agriculture Winter Fair in Canada.

Wednesday: Dirty Word Scrabble

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Rex is quite fond of using a vast array of expletives in daily life. To hone his profanity skills, he engages in a weekly game of Dirty Word Scrabble. His favorite word is rumored to be “Queef.”

Thursday: Test recipe for Hot Dog Flavored Ice Cream

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Being a man of significant girth, Ryan has a soft spot for tubed meat and frozen dairy. So, why not combine the two to form a delectable melding of savory and sweet? Ryan has done that very thing and plans to unveil his mouth-watering concoction sometime this summer.

Friday: Pen new chapter in autobiography

ryan bookAvailable at Amazon and other fine book retailers in 2012.

Saturday: Film latest foot fetish video

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Ryan prefers his foot porn updated and fresh. Last week’s bunions are passé. This week’s fungus is all the rage. Two big toes up!