RIP AC Slater
Everyone calm down. Our second favorite Bayside High Schooler is not really dead, but he may as well be. I was channel surfing the other night and stopped immediately when AC Slater appeared on the screen before me, staring into the camera while holding a microphone. Was he bringing the gang and Mr. Belding back to Bayside for a reunion? Was he hosting a marathon of SBTB? Was the episode where Jesse overdoses on caffeine pills about to air? Unfortunately, none of the above was true.
I realized I had tuned in to Season 5 of America’s Best Dance Crew, also known as “ABDC.” Aside from the title making me feel dyslexic, this show made me lose every ounce of respect I’d ever had for AC Slater. The first time I saw the show a few years ago I actually wrote a eulogy for him on Brahsome. I thought it wouldn’t last, yet here I sit 5 seasons later and the show is more popular than ever.
If you’ve never seen this show, and I recommend you never watch it, I’ll break it down for you. Basically, we are shown taped footage that introduces us to each dance “crew” of 5 or 6 members. We are then told about the unique style of their “routine” and why we should be excited to see them “perform.” The crew then runs out on stage actin’ a fool. They get interviewed by AC Slater and generally make asses of themselves, while displaying the true product of a K-12 public education capped off by a few semesters of community college. The crews prepare a signature routine to showcase their group’s “original flavor” and highlight their “sickest moves.” They then solidify their position as the biggest losers on television by performing their routine to some crappy song one would hear if they were up in da club.
The groups are then judged by former N’Sync member JC Cha-gay, Lil Mamma, and Omarion. Don’t worry, I don’t know who the latter two judges are either. The judges provide insightful commentary on the routines. JC Cha-gay approved of one crew’s “levels” and said, “your isolations were very nice.” However, Omarion wanted that crew to “push their isolations a bit further.” Can anyone tell me what the hell an isolation is?
Apparently the last four seasons of this show has “sparked a movement in the streets in every city across the nation” which resulted in “new crews going harder than ever before.” So now they’re holding three regional competitions, to determine which group of community college drop outs is the best at flailing around on a stage in the same way that Helen Keller would try to fight her way out of a wet paper bag. They began in the “Dirty South,” where no crews have ever won the title of ABDC.
The Jungle Boogie crew show us “crankin’,” a new dance style where five idiots, wearing what appear to be windbreakers from the Jamaican Olympic team, spastically move around on a stage in a manner similar to jungle animals. Just a little more about Jungle Boogie, from their bio: “When twin brothers Anthony and Antwain quit college to pursue dance, their family shut them out. In response, they put this fun-loving and goofy crew together and now consider the group an extended family. The twins’ family still has never seen them dance but they are hoping to win back their love and support.” The judges critiqued their performance. I didn’t listen.
My mind drifted off to the good ol’ days when I idolized AC for being married (for two weeks) to Ali Landry.
I’m sure some of you are thinking to yourselves, “Two weeks? What happened? Did she die in some horrific accident, leaving AC mentally unstable, causing him to think that hosting a show about dance ‘crews’ was a good career move”? I truly wish that was the case. In reality, Ali Landry annulled the marriage because AC cheated on her a few times, really close to, or possibly on their wedding day. After the annulment, AC Slater went from Ali Landry, to this…
Sporting red flannel shirts, buttoned at the top, the Ghost crew resembles Mexican gangster lumberjacks, if those exist. Their bio, “A crew that has faced a lot of adversity in life. In fact, they all met through their local dance venues seeking a way out of life’s hardships, gangs and family death. Using dance as an escape, crew member Patrick decided to better his life and leave the rough life of gang banging with the Crips behind him. The crew would break into a local apartment complex gym room to be able to practice dance.” How can AC go from Ali Landry to hosting a show featuring former gang members who leave a life of drive-bys to focus on perfecting their isolations (still don’t know what that means) as a member of a dance crew?
I have too many questions and not enough time to waste figuring out what’s wrong with AC. I understand the reasoning behind shows such as American Idol, America’s Next Top Model, and even Making the Band. Aside from dominating the ratings and single-handedly ruining television, American Idol has a clear winner that receives a recording contract. Making the Band follows the same format, but the difference is that no one watches this show. The winner of America’s Next Top Model gets a modeling contract with whoever gives out modeling contracts. But I’m confused as to what a dance “crew” does when they out-dance the other “crews” and become America’s Best. Are there dance concerts? If I think about this any longer I’ll have to kill myself. As I began to pay attention to the show again, the losers were leaving the stage, tears streaming down their faces, as they realized they had to go back to their miserable lives serving fast food. Once again, AC Slater is not actually dead, but AC, you’re dead to me.
Note: One thing I should note is the amount of hot girls in the audience. For some reason, they love this shit.