Six Ridiculous Ways Men Name Their Schlongs

penissnake e1360179099357

Pictured: A real snake, not a mummy’s crankshaft.

It’s a sad but true fact of life that men like to name their penis. So very, very sad. It’s not like you name your armpits. If you announce to your poker buddies, “Hey guys, I shaved Bonzo and Mr. Tweedle this morning!” you’ll probably never be invited back.

Why do men name their penises (penii?) anyway? It goes back to a long-held tradition from our forefathers, where you couldn’t say the word penis in polite company. It’s such an ugly word, isn’t it? Penis. It’s almost like you’re attempting to describe which actions your writing implement is about to undertake. And in nearly every case, men simply love their members. It’s a love affair that’s older than time itself.


“It’s you and me against the world, Woody.”

What else in your life brings you such immense joy and is truly a source of pride in the way your swinging meat sword can? Your kids? Hardly. Sure, they’re great and all, but how creepy would it be for you to name them? Can you even imagine?

So with that in mind, let’s take a look at the six basic categories for naming your dong. You’ll notice that we’ve included some helpful photos along the way. In an effort to keep things safe for work, we’ve censored any possibly offending bits. You’re welcome.

Human Names


Hey baby, wanna meet Spanky? Baby?

Hey, your penis is your best pal, right? Never lets you down, always brings a little joy into your life. He’s even better than a dog when it comes to being man’s best friend. Why not give him a cool name?

  • Dick
  • Peter
  • Brutus
  • Rod
  • Bob Dole
  • Johnson
  • Johnny
  • Harry
  • Buster
  • Mr. Happy
  • His Royal Majesty
  • Fred
  • Bilbo Baggins

Food Names

food 560x605

Hey baby, want some of my spud? Hey. Baby? Where are you going?

Nothing sustains a man quite like his penis, and food. Food is high on our list of favorite things and sometimes you just want to combine your favorite things. But seriously, humping the grapefruit is just a bit much. Knock it off.

  • Hot Dog
  • Pork Sword
  • Beef Injector
  • The Ol’ Salami
  • The Baloney Pony
  • Your Baby Banana
  • Bacon Bazooka
  • Gherkin
  • Beef Stick
  • Clam Hammer (which would also fit with our next category)



The name’s Hammer. Jack Hammer. Get it? Hey! Why are you calling the police?

Men use tools to get things done. Sometimes it’s a crescent wrench and we’re building a bridge, other times it’s our wang and we’re digging a tunnel through Beavertown. Did you get that reference? It’s about sex.

  • Clam Hammer (see?)
  • Jack Hammer
  • Big Drill
  • Post Hole Digger (admittedly, you have to be special in the head to use this one)
  • Screwdriver
  • Gearshift
  • Glue Stick
  • Divining Rod
  • Man Axe

Sporting Equipment

sportinggoods 300x225

Now if only they’d open a Peter’s Pub and a Willie’s Hot Dog franchise next door.

As useful as your love missile can be in terms of getting the job done, or filling you with sustenance of the female persuasion, you sometimes just want to play with that little thing. You take your sports very seriously. Too seriously, in fact. To the point that your sporting efforts cause chafing. So much chafing.

  • Javelin
  • Pogo Stick
  • Hockey Stick
  • Fishing Pole
  • Fishing Tackle (this includes your two life preservers for wading in deep)
  • Pocket Pool Cue
  • Joystick
  • Tickle Pickle

Weapons of Destruction

weapons 300x211

Cocked and loaded! Hey, seriously with the cops again?

Ah yes. You don’t just get laid, you straight up annihilate that shit. You’re Ramboner incarnate, you live to slay vagina like a fat kid lives to destroy a Value Meal.

  • Pocket Pistol
  • Baby Batter Bazooka
  • Cream Cannon
  • Moisture Seeking Flesh Rocket
  • Tuna Torpedo
  • Womb Warrior
  • Yogurt Slinger
  • Throbbing Spear of Destiny
  • Thor’s Hammer
  • Ramrod
  • Pork Sword
  • Pimpin’ Stick

Animal Names

animal 225x300

Baby, you can charm my snake anytime. Dammit, what’s with the restraining order?

Finally, you know that sometimes that ankle spanker of yours just takes over and turns you into a feral beast rutting against anything with a heartbeat. We call that Tuesday around here.

  • Anaconda
  • One Eyed Snake
  • Boneless Beef
  • Bow Legged Swamp Donkey
  • Camel Rider
  • Cattle Prod
  • Clam Digger
  • Cock-a-saurus Sex
  • Earthworm Jim
  • Honey Badger
  • Iron Horse
  • Italian Stallion
  • Jiminy Cricket
  • King Dong
  • The Hog
  • Muzzled Bulldog
  • Oyster Probe
  • Purple Headed Python
  • Pocket Perch
  • Turkey Baster
  • Skin Serpent