Sunday M-Ass

Let's worship.

Being the Gunaxin newbie and a long-time sufferer of A.D.D., I thought it might be wise to come up with a regular weekly offering we all could appreciate… some form of virtual weekly habit we could all look forward to and enjoy, something to dull the pain of the horrific week ahead.

We love sports. We love the tube. We love ass. And when Sunday rolls around, in one way or another, we all worship.

Thus we present the first of what I hope will be many editions of Gunaxin’s Sunday M-Ass… a preview of the sports television highlights for the upcoming week laced with visual offerings of inspiration and a few personal reflections for your consideration.

This week, in honor of the World Cup, we are giving Sunday M-Ass a lil’ international flavor.

Enjoy.

(All listings are EST.)

SUNDAY, MAY 30

2:00PM ESPN CLASSIC
NCAA Lacrosse Championships
Cornell vs Syracuse

It’s not an East Coast bias, livin’ in what is commonly referred to as the best lacrosse town west of the mighty Mississippi, but if you live to the left you may not know how entertaining this sport can be on television. Yes, the college scene is ruled by teams normally associated with high-dollar tuition (Duke took a fall against Virginia earlier this evening) and personalities that match, but think of it this way… we are going to take the frat-boy rugby team, we’re going to hand them five-foot long sticks, and we’re cuttin’ those bastards loose.

3:00pm CBS
PGA ~ The Crowne Plaza Invitational at Colonial

Phil Mickelson missed the cut. Tiger Woods didn’t show. Unless you claim golf as an addiction you may not see the draw but there are some quality golfers in the mix. Brian Davis will take the lead into Sunday’s final round but Ben Crane is within ear shot (having one of the most underrated seasons on the Tour), Zach Johnson is in the mix as well (he has a Green Jacket from The Masters in his closet), Boo Weekley has pushed his way into the picture (he’s just fun to watch… he’ll have a dip in, he’ll be cursing and showcasing the redneck side of the game), and you might even get a glimpse at the kid everyone has tabbed as the eventual source of consistent competition for Tiger, Mr. Rickie Fowler (seven strokes off the pace heading into the final round).

(We would like to thank the Orlando Magic for ruining any hope of worthwhile entertainment from the tube on Sunday night… Fox will have the NASCAR Sprint Cup from Concord, North Carolina and The Ocho will have Rangers vs. Twins from the MLB set, if you are interested in that kind of thing… I’ll be watching Breaking Bad on AMC. You should do the same.)

MONDAY, MAY 31

10:00am ESPN2
2010 French Open

There are more than a few quality offerings to watch on the tennis side of life… at least on the women’s side. This game on clay is an intriguing watch regardless but the aesthetic quality of the female side of tennis has improved dramatically over recent years. It wasn’t that long ago that you might reach and suggest Monica Seles as an attraction. Sharapova alone puts this era above all others, and she’s not alone.

8:00pm NBC
NHL Stanley Cup Finals
Game 2
Philadelphia Flyers vs. Chicago Blackhawks

This is, without question, ten times more entertaining than what we’ve seen from the NBA. The Hawks and Flyers squared off in Game 1 earlier this (Saturday) evening and scored a load of goals with Chicago emerging victorious. There wasn’t much in terms of defense, the action was as fast as any game we’ve seen in these playoffs, and the best players on the ice are putting their best skates forward. This entire series will be top-priority viewing all week.

Meanwhile the NBA will be going out of their way to make sure any of the fans left in the Lebron-less boat are fast asleep once they fire this sum’ bitch back up.

TUESDAY, JUNE 1

5:00pm ESPN
Monday Night Baseball
Philadelphia Phillies vs. Atlanta Braves

I won’t be watching this but that doesn’t mean you can’t… if you follow baseball enough to watch this game you should own a DirecTV satellite dish, at least one DVR unit, the MLB package, and some douche to clean your vagina. Baseball in May can only be as entertaining as needed when absorbed in person, preferably through a bloated liver. If you can’t get your ass to the game and drink, I don’t see the point (at least not until it gets more pertinent).

More than anything, I wanted to ask why ESPN, the Worldwide Leader, can’t get off their ass and rename this “Tuesday Night Baseball”. It’s listed on the directory as “Monday Night Baseball”… on a Tuesday night. This isn’t rocket science. Pretty sure you employ more than a few in the building with English and/or Journalism degrees on the cubicle wall and you can’t find anyone to keep track of what day it is?

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 2

7:30pm Versus
NHL Stanley Cup Finals
Game 3
Chicago Blackhawks vs. Philadelphia Flyers

Like we said… must-see TV.

THURSDAY, JUNE 3

11:00am ESPN
2010 NCAA Women’s College World Series

It’s a slow Thursday and the Worldwide Leader in everything but the calendar is giving Title 9 due respect during the lunch hours of the day. Why not?

9:00pm ABC
2010 NBA Finals
Game 1
Boston Celtics vs. Los Angeles Lakers

Nice of the NBA to join the party. It’s fuckin’ Thursday boys… it’s been almost a week since we thought about Mamba versus the Boston Globetrotters. You can’t invent enough prop bets to keep us interested THIS long.

FRIDAY, JUNE 4

3:30am ESPN3.com
Australian Rules Football
Richmond vs. St. Kilda

If you live on the left coast you’ll catch this during a late night of work. If you live to the right you could get up at the butt crack and check out what the NFL would look like if you removed pads, the sobriety, and the offensive line. Rugby in HD is especially rewarding during crowd shots (those folks are working hard to get as drunk as the toothy bastards on the field) and when they zoom in on the Spy vs. Spy judges making calls on goal.

8:00am ESPN
2010 Scripps National Spelling Bee

Insert “twitchy little freak” joke here… I enjoy watching these kids  and their fervor for life before calculus, masturbation, and an inability to spell “cunnilyngus” ruins it all. You hope they discover drugs in college and get on the right track, but during the Bee, they are as pure and engaged as any spectacle in “sports.”

8:00pm Versus
Game 4
Chicago Blackhawks vs. Philadelphia Flyers

That’s four games the NHL will get in the books in the same time the NBA took to give us one. Go Blackhawks.

SATURDAY, JUNE 5

6:30am ESPN2
USA Soccer

I honestly have no idea what this is… it’s listed on the ESPN guide without description available. For all I know it is the USA Soccer team going to breakfast at Denny’s, or maybe shagging off the morning wood. I don’t know. I wanted to put in some hot soccer chics and pump up the World Cup coverage you are going to be seeing here at Gunaxin and this was my shot.

6:00pm ESPN2
NASCAR Nationwide Series at Nashville

I just realized we had not listed any motor sports and I don’t want to leave those folks out… not a big NASCAR fan myself but I can certainly respect those who are. At least those participants are entertaining individuals and 99% of the fans make no bones about their love of the wreck. I have respect for that level of honesty and self-actualization.

6:30pm ABC
The 142nd Running of the Belmont Stakes

Actual coverage starts at 5:00p… ABC doesn’t get to fill too many hours of their programming schedule with sports (after all, they’ve been graced with one NBA game over the last eight days), so when they do bone it for all it’s worth. 90 minutes of horse talk should be enough to get you off the couch and out doing something constructive with your Saturday night.

Make like David Stern and take the night off.