Super Bowl XLV : Tale of the Tape

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Super Bowl XLV is upon us and as usual everyone is trying to pick the winner, probably for completely wholesome purposes and in no way because they are gambling, because that would just be morally wrong. Ahem.

Everyone has his own system for picking a winner, but this year no one seems to agree on who will emerge victorious between the evenly-matched Pittsburgh Steelers and Green Bay Packers, two of the most storied franchises in the history of American sports.

So… how do you pick the winner?

We here at Gunaxin wanted to break things down for you blow by blow, and at the end, there can be only one.


Both the Steelers and the Packers feature elite quarterbacks in Ben Roethlisberger and Aaron Rodgers. Rodgers might be the more polished player with a terrific arm and underrated athleticism, but Big Ben is nearly impossible to take down and has a knack for making big plays when it matters. Unfortunately, he also has a knack for sexually assaulting drunk girls (allegedly), which nearly¬† negates his Super Bowl pedigree. We would typically give a guy with multiple Super Bowl rings the edge, but Rodgers is just too good and Ben makes us feel dirty. This one’s really a toss up.

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You can trust him with the game on the line, but probably not with your daughter.

Edge: PUSH

Franchise History

As we previously stated, these are arguably the two most storied franchises in NFL history, alongside the Bears and the Cowboys. Under legendary coach Chuck Noll the Steelers won four Super Bowls and overall have more Super Bowl crowns than any other franchise with six. On the other side, you’ve got the Packers, who play at the most legendary field in pro football and were once helmed by the most legendary coach in arguably any sport, Vince Lombardi. How do we separate these two historic franchises? Frankly, you can’t. It’s just too close to call.

Edge: PUSH

Defensive Star with Crazy Hair

For some reason, we’re fascinated by the long, flowing hair that comes tumbling down out of a football helmet, and this Super Bowl features two of the most magnificent manes in sports with defensive stalwarts Troy Polamalu and Clay Matthews. Each had outstanding seasons, as evidenced by the fact that they were the top two vote getters for Defensive MVP this season, separated by a mere two votes. However, there might not be a defensive player more crucial to the success of his team than Polamalu (who edged out Matthews 17-15 in that MVP vote), and that’s why he gets the slight edge over Matthews.

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That's right Troy, your hair is #1.


Coach Lookalike

Okay, this one is a little skewed because Mike McCarthy doesn’t really look like anyone other than a weird mix between Kevin James and Patrick Warburton. But good lord man, we’re pretty sure that IS Omar Epps coaching the Steelers!

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Have you ever seen them in the same room?


Fan Novelty

On the one side, you’ve got the Packers Cheeseheads. On the other is the Terrible Towel. Let’s be honest, this one isn’t even close. Yes, the Terrible Towel is nice and all, but it’s far from unique (the Minnesota Twins, for instance, have the similar Homer Hanky) and it’s a little dull and unimaginative. Additionally, the Terrible Towel is manufactured by a company located in…Wisconsin.

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It gets extra points for being ridiculous.


Jerry Jones Bitterness-Level

When Jerry Jones opened up his behemoth of a stadium and was awarded Super Bowl XLV (which, come to think of it, sounds like a really expensive car) he was just salivating over the possibility of bringing home a sixth championship for his storied franchise, which would tie the Cowboys with none other than the Steelers for the most Super Bowl victories in history. Like the Steelers, the Packers are also one of the most storied franchises in NFL history with three Super Bowls of their own along with one of the most rabid fanbases in all of sports. While it will no doubt irk Jerry no matter which team wins, we have to think that a Steelers victory, which would be there seventh and put even more distance between them and the Cowboys, would piss Jones off to no end.

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"Son of a bitch..."



The Packers are currently favored (-3) heading into Sunday’s big game, and that’s largely based on the fact Rodgers has been lights out fantastic for most of the postseason. He wasn’t great in the NFC title game, but he did enough to win. On the other hand, the Steelers have the superior running game thanks to burgeoning star Rashard Mendenhall, who torched the Jets last week in the AFC Championship. However, the Steelers will be without star center Maurkice Pouncey barring a miracle recovery from an injury suffered in that same game.

The Packers have been in playoff mode since the tail end of the regular season, when they had to win down the stretch just to earn a spot in the playoffs. The Steelers, on the other hand, are in their third Super Bowl in six seasons and clearly know what it takes to win on the big stage. But perhaps the biggest X-Factor? This is finally a chance for Aaron Rodgers to step out of the shadow cast by Brett Favre and become the newest Packers legend. We wouldn’t want to bet against Rodgers in that situation. Would you?

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Never bet against a man who can sport a 'stache like that.


And the winner is…

By the narrowest of margins at 3-2-1, the Steelers edge out the Packers and earn their seventh Super Bowl victory. Although it could very well be the Packers who win. Well hell, this didn’t solve much of anything, did it?

Tell you what, why don’t you tell us who you think is going to win, if you think you’re so smart?