Ten Bizarre Old Vacuum Cleaners


Hey! Welcome to ‘Random Thing I Found Theater’! Yeah! I figured, what better way to gather info for an odd list than to just arbitrarily scour the web for anything that looked worthy. And today’s object: Vacuums! Awesome. So, since I know next to nothing about vacuums aside from the fact that they suck (he he), I went and gathered up some cool pictures of said cleaning machines, and, as such, I will post them with a smart-ass comment and a title for each that, most obviously, has nothing to do with the cleaner itself. I will say that I am not out to offend any vacuum cleaner enthusiasts, so if anyone out there is upset by my blatant attempt at humor, I apologize. So, here’s ten cool-looking vacuums!


The ELECTROLUX Sux-A-Tronic 20,000

I think I've seen this in a Porn flick.

Back In 1953 when this vacuum model was popular, it was notorious for sucking up everything from carpet fuzz to entire families of cats. Unfortunately, its dominance in the market wavered slightly when consumers realized that the ‘Ruskies’ were using it to spy on us. Somehow.


Suck Queen Kleen-Karpet

"Let's show this Pre-Historic bitch how we clean things downtown."

This particular vacuum was, for all intents and purposes, a working Proton Pack much akin to those used to rid New York of ghosts in the 80’s hit, Ghostbusters. You could, with just a little tweaking, attach this bad boy to your back and just go bonkers cleaning dust from your rafters or evicting the sinister spirits from your creepy attic


The Phantom Inhale-O-Tron XL

"She's gone from suck to blow!"

The technology used in the creation of this model was removed via schematics from the UFO crash sights in Roswell, New Mexico. In fact, right next to the pile of dead aliens was a slew of ship-board cleaning products and mechanics including the vacuum you see in the picture. This was also the location from which we get Formula 409.


The Clean 3P0 and the Vac 2D2

"I like your sack."

Back in the 40’s, vacuums, or ‘Self-Sucking Machines’, were so heavy that wealthy families often needed one for each floor lest they’d have to lug one up and down the stairs like the women-slaves they were. The 40’s were brutal.


The Atlas Suxor ‘Toaster’ Eliminator 5000

I hear the rent is cheap and free heat.

There was a very good reason why this was called the Atlas: it took a guy as strong as Charles Atlas to just heft this friggin behemoth! I mean look at this thing? You’d need a team of fifty filthy horses just to drag it through your house! Then you could, potentially, move into it.


The Orek Floor Emaculator

Exactly 10 seconds before Mary's vacuum massacre.

Here we see Esmerelda Foon demonstrating the brand-new for ’32 Orek Floor Emaculator! Witness as very little smoke pours lazily from the up-top exhaust, unlike the previous model that sprayed it all over the freshly-cleaned floor. Also, as Esmerelda shows us so well, the ‘Waste Satchel’ attached directly to the handle is large enough to hold a full-grown child!


Hoover’s Economy Spring Cleaner II


Luckily for the poor sot on the top there, this new fangled vacuum sweeper -along with a fair trade of your old and busted model- will guide her through the spring cleaning chores where she must dust the mummies in her basement/mausoleum! Look how effortless the little mini-maid on the bottom makes lifting the vacuum look? Unfortunately, no one mentions the steroids and daily workouts necessary to clean her husband’s three-story mansion! No worries, you can do it all your own while your man bangs his office assistant! YAY!


HOOVER: The Twin Suction Sisters

Picasso's later works lacked originality and, well, sucked.

This poster is so tres chic, isn’t it just? My goodness, take a long look at these babies, don’t they strike you as visibly stunning and fully ready to clean the SHIT out of your rugs? The artwork is pleasing, sort of, the graphic imagery is astounding and… who am I kidding. This picture looks like it was thrown together by a mental patient. Still, nice vacuums.


The Sexy Super Suk-Luxe 3-XL

"Suck your drapes for ya, love?"


The ELECTROLUX Submariner Wet/Dry Combination Tank Sweeper

This thing just screams violence.

This special vacuum is not only made for cleaning battleships and frigates, but it’s also made out of the same stuff as their collective hulls, so it’s completely bullet and mortar-proof! You can also beat someone to death with this sweeper by bludgeoning them with the hose alone! Look at the polished chrome on this majestic creature! Oh, please ignore the blood stains!